It’s that time of year again – London Marathon Ballot time. I have entered. Of course I have entered. It’s almost a ritual now and of course I won’t get in because most people don’t get in most years. But what if I did? I’ve been thinking about that because, as I may have mentioned, I really did not like my 2019 London Marathon. I have said several times that, unpopular as that opinion may be, I don’t actually like the London Marathon. And yet… So I have been thinking about that. Because if I really didn’t want to have another go, then why enter the ballot – just makes it even harder for people who actually do want to run it to get a spot. But there is part of me that does want to run it. There is a part of me that wants to go back and put the demons of 2019 to bed. And I don’t mean that I need to be faster than 2019 or anything like that. It’s more that I would like the race to leave me with more positive memories. Because memory of races is funny isn’t it. What I remember from the 2019 London Marathon is not that the first few miles were pretty good or that I got to 11 miles without any issues and feeling pretty solid and that I had my shit together. What I remember is missing Kath, slipping on Lucazade and hurtling to the ground, the pain in my hip and moving forward to the finish just because that was the only thing I could logistically think of to do.

So let’s stop there a second… I had my shit together, I was running well, I stopped for a pee and lost a lot of time and from there on in struggled to get my head right again. I fell, I was in pain and yet, I went on to finish. I look at that now and can’t really quite believe that was me. I can now step back and admire the strength. It didn’t feel like strength at the time but it was. Re-reading the blogs from the 2019 marathon still makes me emotional. I wrote that all the way round I wasn’t sure I wanted it enough and also that I was probably done with marathons. I think that was absolutely true and how I felt at the time but things have shifted. The world has changed and I have changed and I think I’m beginning to see more and more clearly what running far gives me that nothing else quite can. I miss the clarity of thought that comes with it. I miss the feeling of being able to do it. I miss the confidence in what my body can do, what my mind can do, what I can do. I am back where I started when we trained for our first Dopey – I want to do a marathon because I don’t believe I can. I want it because it’s impossible. I want it for me because people like me don’t run marathons.

And London, why London. I could pick any marathon. Well, that 15 mile marker and I have unfinished business, I still haven’t run across Tower Bridge or along the Embankment and I want to. As much as what I wrote in 2019 resonates, I also want to believe in the power and magic of one of the most iconic marathons in the world. If I do get another chance at running it, maybe my first one in 2016 can be my London Overwhelmed, my second one in 2019 can be my London Grumpy and my third could be London Happy. I’m back running now, taking baby steps, building slowly and stretching and doing strength. I could get physically ready over the next 12 months and I am absolutely mental enough to do the impossible.