It feels a little like we need to collectively get on with it now. This year I am not at all keen on this in between time. I feel like I am waiting. Waiting for what, I don’t know. But waiting can be a full time occupation so it’s annoying. So in an attempt to not wait for whatever it is I am waiting for, I went for a little run. I even warmed up with some stretches first.
I was hoping for maybe a 2 mile run/walk, ideally pain free. But as I set off I realised I hadn’t actually set any run/walk intervals and I also didn’t really want to stop to walk as I was plodding my way down the hill and wondering whether I should have put another layer on. I was cold. So I kept going. I had a route in mind. But as I got further along, I realised I really did not want to go that route. I had a 15 second walk to gather my thoughts, turned right down a road I am not sure I have ever run down before, and headed towards the canal. I wasn’t settled. I threw in another 20 second walk just to see if I could breathe like a normal human and then set off again to at least claim the mile.
So I basically ran a mile and then called it. My right ankle was tightening again – mostly as I settled into walking though and my hip was niggly. The canal was also busy. On a short stretch between the two bridges I used today, I counted 7 dog walkers and at least 10 dogs. I did not want other people. I just need to get into the habit of going earlier again. I like the time when I have the towpath mostly to myself, or only share it with others who also welcome the solitude – passing in a fleeting moment that needs only to be acknowledged with a nod. None of this constant chirpy ‘good morning’ that I had to endure today. I actually quite like greeting strangers, saying hello, maybe even making a remark about the weather. It’s a nice, friendly thing and it makes me smile. But not when I am trying to run. Just leave me be in my misery and effort. I’ll nod, I’ll smile and I might even force out a ‘hi’ but a full ‘Good Morning’. No.
Anyway, I was a bit grumpy with my lack of ability to run more than a mile (or my unwillingness). But as I stopped, a group of ducks and swans came to see me. I know they wanted feeding really but it felt like they were coming to acknowledge my effort and make me smile. So I walked the last stretch of canal happily watching them, crossed the bridge and walked up the hill. I have zero hill fitness so I deliberately walked up the most direct, but also steepest route. There is only one way to get hill fit…
It was nice to be out. It’s always nice to be out.
So yesterday, it turns out, was just a really stupid day. Today is less stupid. I am still struggling a bit. I am at least wearing the right socks (for now anyway, there’s still time to change my mind) and the fact that it is Sunday seems less irritating than yesterday being Saturday. In other words, my brain is less weird. I am back to rolling my eyes at the fitness crap as I scroll passed. I could block some of the content I suppose, but that would require engagement on some level – so nah.
I did my measurements earlier and added them to the Body Coach app – wide load sign required I think. And then I went for a little run. Mainly because I didn’t want to. I thought about how far I wanted to go and had vague ideas about 3 or 4 miles but then I remembered that I can’t actually run at the moment. So I decided to just not worry about it, go by feel and just aim to get out there and move a bit. I mostly ran for a mile. A slow plod on the downhill and flat and then, on the one slightly up hill slope, a lamp post to lamp post run/walk. Then my right ankle started tightening up so I decided to walk back rather than risk actual pain. By the time I had walked up the hill, there was some pain so stopping and walking home was the right thing to do.
I also tried out my birthday trainers – a pair of black wide fitting Brooks Adrenalines. They’re good. Comfy, supportive without being too springy. No squished toes, no foot pain.
Once I got back and sat down with Kath while she finished her workout, the niggle spread into my hip. Nonetheless I did the first workout on the Body Coach App. I’ve done that workout several times over the years and it seems every time I forget just how much completely inane babble there is. Does Joe ever shut up? I know he’s trying to be helpful and motivating and maybe it works because I did finish the workout. Then I remembered that I am too old to not stretch so stretched. I am quite pleased with that sequence. Recently the sequence has been more like: I should run, yeah don’t wanna, I can run later. Later comes and goes. I didn’t run, oh well, I can run tomorrow. I could do a workout instead. Hm, yes but I’m not wearing a bra. I can’t possibly put a sports bra on now. That’s just too much. I should do some stretches. I’ll do those before bed. Then I am in bed, not having stretched. Repeat.
So first, praise for this morning’s me who put a sports bra on. Oh she was a wise woman! Then thanks to my silly brain for recognising that, given I was already wearing a sports bra, already sweaty and already in the exercise-y headspace, not doing the Body Coach workout after my run now would just be ridiculous and such a waster opportunity. And then thanks to hungry me who really wanted lunch but decided that another 10 minutes really didn’t make a difference and anyway, it would take me that long to recover from the workout and I was already sitting on the mat – stretches just made sense.
So there. I wouldn’t say I am having a good day. I still feel a bit flat. But I am having a positive day full of baby steps towards having a better day tomorrow.
It was my birthday yesterday. It was a lovely day, as was Christmas day before that and Christmas Eve. They were all lovely. They were as we planned them, they were calm and quiet, I enjoyed cooking and yesterday I enjoyed Kath taking over and being looked after and spoilt. We had lovely food with our mums, cuddles with cats and not a ‘should’ in sight. It was exactly as I had hoped it would be. And today I feel completely flat. Somehow it feels like the last 2 or 3 days were not at all what I wanted, like they were all about other people and not for me. I don’t know why I feel like that. There was absolutely nothing in those days that would indicate that. Had I described what I wanted before the 3 days, I would have described our Christmas.
I know my birthday is sort of a nuisance. I mean, who wants more people, socialising or food on Boxing Day, who wants a birthday celebration? I am so used to it obviously and it doesn’t actually bother me, except today it does. I am irritated by happy birthday wishes on Facebook – assuming that people only sent them because FB reminded them to, same with LinkedIn. As if that is a bad thing (if you did write on my timeline – thank you. It was lovely to hear from you in the moment even if my brain is being weird today). I am actually just irritated by everything. The fact that it is Saturday has annoyed me all day, as has the fact that I put the ‘wrong’ socks on this morning. The wrong socks? I mean FFS, I just put on socks… at some point my brain decided they were wrong. It’s just an annoying, irritating and fucking stupid day.
I renewed my Body Coach app today. Obviously that was annoying because I had a discount code that I then couldn’t find and it should have been a 2 minute job that took forever. Given my total lack of fitness and the brain fuck that comparison therefore is, I decided to re-set the app completely and start all over again. As part of that I had to put my height and weight into the app… So, I am 47, the heaviest I have ever been, probably also the widest but I am saving the joy of measurements for tomorrow. I am also unfit as nicely highlighted by our Christmas morning run/walk and our Birthday trot out which was a mile of run/walk and then 2 miles of walk because my hips and feet were protesting. We went for a walk this afternoon. A lovely walk that was fucking annoying and which sent my right hip and right foot into proper bitch mode. Guess who hasn’t been stretching enough and who hasn’t done any strength work for months. Oh me, that’s me. Idiot.
And then, because today is a stupid day, I was scrolling, and I suddenly realised that for weeks now, if not longer, I have been bombarded by weight loss or fitness content on my social media. It’s relentless. Every second post I see is either ‘hormonal weight gain gone with this magic exercise/herbal tea’; ’50 habits you need to ditch of you’re heading for 50′; ‘ten things peri menopausal women are doing wrong in the gym’ or some nonsense about how you can get lean in 6 weeks in just 15 minutes a day… No wonder my brain is fried. Every bit of messaging seems to be ‘you need to be thinner’. Didn’t we do this already in the 90s? We do not need to go back there! I thought we had switched to ‘strong not skinny’ and a different way of thinking about exercise. I thought movement was good per se, not because movement might help weight loss. I see some content that acts as a counter balance but I have to go look for that. I nearly didn’t renew the Body Coach app because I saw several transformation pics as I was looking for my discount code – all of them emphasised the weight loss. All – Of – Them.
The fitness stuff on social media is awful. I have been scrolling past almost all of it because I don’t care what some teenage influencer thinks I should or shouldn’t be doing, or how fast, according to some hot shot, let me check, social media personality, I should be running a mile or whether I run a 5 k faster than a list of supposed celebrities. Or at least I thought I didn’t care. But just the fact that it is there constantly has obviously had an impact. I am less keen than ever to go back to the gym. I don’t belong there. I don’t want to get on the bike, don’t belong on Zwift either, that’s for people who can, you know, actually cycle rather than go backwards at the first sign of a hill. And as for running. Hm. I have no business being out there pretending to be a runner. I am not a runner. Maybe I was once but maybe those hopes and dreams about things I wanted to do should just stay dreams, maybe they are no longer achievable. That. Or maybe today is just a really stupid, annoying day. Maybe I just don’t like forced transitions and artificial cycles and the pressure to re-invent myself. Birthdays are one of those – ‘what’s it like to be 47?’ Such an idiotic question, I am a day older than yesterday… nothing is different. And then of course the new year is coming at us fast with all that comes with the New Year, New You crap. And for me birthday and new year are annoyingly close together giving me a delightful double whammy of ‘do better, be better, this is your time to make changes and improve, become a better version of yourself…’ Urgh. Is 2026 going to see the new me? Is this year, where I, aged 47, finally get my shit together? Is 2026 going to be my year? I fucking hope not. That sounds exhausting and people-y.
Anyway, I think the best thing that can be done with a day like today is to turn it into yesterday as quickly as possible. I am not even going to try and read because every book I have picked up today has been irritating. Tomorrow we stretch, take our magnesium and take it one step at a time and maybe some of those steps have purpose, maybe some of them are even running steps… because today is just a fucking stupid, irritating and annoying day but I am still me and the impossible is still out there, waiting to be done.
really (not) a runner 