Author: Jess Guth

Dr Jess Guth is a Legal Academic. She blogs at jessguth.com She also doesn't really run - reallynotarunner.com

Moomin Butt Moving

Jess Guth4 Comments

There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?! 2.5 mile run done this morning. WTF? Wasn’t so hard? Wasn’t so hard?!? Wasn’t so fucking hard? My black puppy is mocking me. It was hideously hard. It was only 2.5 miles and I completed it with run/walk intervals and slowly. Here’s how it went (in my head):

  1. Setting off from home, turn left downhill, feels pretty good. Yep, we can do this, this is fine
  2. First walk break, secretly quite please we’re at the first walk break
  3. Bit more downhill, turn right, have-to-go-up-hill-now-can’t-really-breathe
  4. Walk break, love walk breaks
  5. bit more up the hill – come-on-just-a-bit-more
  6. downhill section, breathe, breathe, breathe
  7. walk, yay, walk
  8. run past the sheep, wave at the sheep but focus, keep focused, shit can’t breathe
  9. when’s the walk break?
  10. Not yet
  11. Surely now? Yes now
  12. Breathe, oh shit I’m going to have to run uphill in a minute, walk fast, can’t, no seriously walk faster or you’ll have to run all the hill, fuck, walk
  13. Hill, don’t like this hill but after this it’s steep downhill. I hate downhill. I might fall, run faster to get to the top so you can walk down.
  14. Come on you Dopey
  15. Nearly at the top, nearly at the top – nearly-at-the-top. Yay walk break
  16. It’s called walk break, not collapse in a heap break – keep moving
  17. Oh ok I have to run down, ok, steady, slowly, yay I’m down
  18. Plod plod plod plod – don’t mind this. Wish I could breathe though
  19. Walk break – come on walk faster to get down the nasty steep bit
  20. Time to start running but I’m going to walk the steep bit
  21. Ok I’m down, flat to home now. You’re Dopey, you can do this
  22. Left turn onto the canal, find a rhythm (fuck off), no really, it will help (oh shut up)
  23. Found a rhythm, picked up the pace, this is hard but ok
  24. I wonder if there are any kingfishers about? Or a heron? I’d like to see a heron
  25. Oh walk break, ok
  26. And another 2 minute run, it’s two minutes, I can do two minutes. Is it over yet? It must be! Hello lungs, please stop burning
  27. Yay walk
  28. Hm, I might be able to run to the end from here. I can see the point at which i’ll be able to see the bridge and if I can see the bridge I can run to it. Maybe
  29. Run. Ok, I feel pretty good. Count, that’ll pass the time…counting to 105… what comes after 105? I’m lost, where was I? start again! ok 91… That’s not starting again, silly, ok but I like 91.
  30. Look the bridge. Look the bridge. Look the bridge. Look the bridge!
  31. Why isn’t the bridge getting closer (because you’re not running fast enough!)
  32. I’m at the bridge. Lungs, legs, everything, please stop screaming at me.

So the puppy may sit an mock but it’s got to do so from outside because this moomin butt is moving and even though it was sort of hideous and most certainly horrible, I loved it

2016 – What a Year

Jess Guth3 Comments

I am so ready for 2016 to be over. I really am. It’s been horrible in so many ways, it’s been, well it’s just been crap. Or has it? Am I ready? Isn’t there a small part of me that doesn’t want 2016 to be over? 2016 has been a year of unbelievable achievements, a year of learning so much about myself, a year of hitting a new all time low and reaching dizzying highs, a year of standing firm and sticking to principles, of being confident and smiling when inside everything was crumbling into tiny little pieces that didn’t seem like they would ever fit together again, a year of walking away, of giving up, of re-building and of persuading others that I am brilliant when I felt anything but. 2016 taught me that I am superwoman – a very very fragile and breakable one, but superwoman. 2016 has been a bitch, a complete bitch but here I am right at the end of 2016 and I’m going on – the bitch isn’t. 2016 will turn into 2017 and there is something about the turn of the year that I like. It’s just another day but somehow it is a day that holds promise and excitement…

So let’s take a look at 2016.

  1. In January I travelled half way round the world (well, sort of) to run 48.6 miles in 4 days. The training leading up to it, the Disney World escapism and the running itself helped me make huge steps towards recovering from the anxiety and depression that had been with me for longer than I care to admit. In January 2016 I was physically fit and healthy but my mind was still a bit of a mess. Messy mind or not I dragged my butt round the 26.2 mile Dopey challenge marathon after having run the half marathon the day before, 10k before that and 5 k the day before that. I may have hated most of it at the time, I may have walked almost all of it but I kept putting one foot in front of the other until I got to the finish. I went through every emotion on that journey but I never wanted to stop. I thought I might not make it but I did not want to stop. Stopping is something I had to learn.
  2. In April I had another go at 26.2 miles and as I made my way round the iconic London marathon course I decided that 26.2 miles are not for me. I don’t like that distance, it’s not fun and I never want to do it again. I didn’t want to stop though. I remember the finish line, I remember the excruciating walk/tube ride/walk back to the hotel and I remember feeling completely empty. I had nothing at all left physically, emotionally and mentally. I felt like I should be proud and excited but I was just empty. Looking back now I wonder whether I needed that. Looking back I wonder whether after that complete emptiness I slowly started rebuilding.
  3. Work was – for the first half of 2016 – hell. I went back to work after the Dopey Challenge after a period of time off sick . I kept going, I didn’t stop. I did my best and it was, I know now, better than good enough, in some ways too good for the institution. Looking back I can see the bullying, the nastiness, the unreasonableness of it all. I accepted panic attack after panic attack, I accepted the tears, the exhaustion, the lack of support, the loneliness and isolation; I accepted it to get a job done. But as I went through the rest of April and then May it became increasingly clear that I needed to change something. And yet I kept going
  4. In summer my previous institution went through a ridiculous process they called an Academic Review – the paperwork was idiotic but I did it, the review was bizarre (more so in the light have what has happened since) but I did it. On the days of the meetings I had panic attack after panic attack, I had to get off the bus several stops early because I couldn’t breathe – and yet everyone said I did an amazing job. As I walked out of the final meeting I knew I had decided to leave. I finally gave up. I finally learned to stop. I had to stop. I was once again off sick
  5. Through August I began to get my shit together. My brain started working again, slowly and the running was fine too – I was getting out at least. Then I started my new job and somehow the rest of 2016 has been uneventful really – trips to Paris and California to complete the Disney running journey – it ended in a failed half marathon but that’s ok.  I found a better balance between work and the rest of life. I have been panic attack free since the day I resigned. It’s all good
  6. Or is it. My anxiety levels are normal but there is that silly black puppy dog that is just waiting on the other side of the door and every now and again it nudges the door open. It’s bounced it’s way into the room just recently and is zapping all my energy. I haven’t run since the abandoned half marathon in November. I sort of want to but I can’t be bothered – what’s the point, I can’t do it anyway (erm – look at points 1 and 2!). I am slow with everything I do. Writing anything useful is taking an age, preparing for teaching is taking far longer than it ever has, just getting through a day without doing anything in particular is somehow hard work. My reaction to any world events are extreme and I cry at anything. But it’s ok. It’s ok because I know. It’s ok because I understand that I’m ill and that getting better takes time, more time than I will ever really want to give it because I’m a perfectionist and impatient.
  7. I look back at 2016 and apart from the world going totally mad with Brexit and Donald Trump, senseless violence and hate as well as heartwarming acts of kindness and the beauty that can be found in just sitting watching birds in the garden – here’s what I see: 2016 has seen me being stronger and more resilient than I ever thought I could be. I had the strength to hold my head up high, to walk out of a high profile high paid job, not lose it completely and to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. 2016 saw strong legs and a stronger, if sometimes wobbly mind, that made me rise to the Dopey Challenge and the London marathon.  In a year where so much went right and so much went wrong I didn’t once waiver from my principles, I didn’t once compromise on the important shit and I didn’t once cross a line I didn’t want to cross. 2016 showed me that however crap,anxious, depressed, wobbly, dark or whatever I feel, I like being me and I can be me – no more than that, I’m good at being me. 2016 has shown me why I am so drawn to the picture and mantra below – it’s because it’s true and I believe it. At the start of 2016 it was a mantra to focus on and keep repeating to myself in the hope that I could fake it –  at the end of 2016 I mean it.13892263_1250624888305675_5708983427789361893_n

DNF

Jess Guth1 Comment

DNF. Did not finish. Did Not fucking finish. Yes that’s right. The last race I attempted I didn’t finish. I got to mile 5 of the Disneyland Avengers Half Marathon. I didn’t get my coast to coast medal, I didn’t complete the Infinity Gauntlet Challenge. DN Fucking F. It was a big deal at the time. I was gutted. That was the race that was going to bring all the running efforts and achievements of the year together. It all started going very wrong at about 3 miles. I felt a bit dizzy and sluggish. By 4 miles I needed to walk because my vision was blurred. By 4.5 miles it was clear I was going to have to stop. I felt dizzy, sick and couldn’t really see. There was a water station at mile 5 with a medic there. Kath took me to see her, she got me to sit down at the side of the road, got a wheelchair and with the help of a police officer who just stopped the traffic got me across the road and to the medic’s car. Then we got a little ride round Anaheim backstreets and back to the medical tent at the finish line. I’ll never get to the finish line of a half marathon that quickly ever again. I quickly started to feel better and all medical checks were fine. The doctor suggested that maybe I needed to fuel with more than just water for longer distance. I’m not sure about that – fuelling and hydration felt good. Anyway it is what it is and we had a lovely day in the Disney Parks and somehow it doesn’t matter anymore.

The running wasn’t all bad during our holiday. We had a lovely little jog along the boardwalk along Moonstone Beach. We walked miles in San Francisco including across the Golden Gate Bridge and the 10k race of the infinity gauntlets challenge was loads of fun – genuinely just fun.

10k-running

I haven’t run a single step since we got back. Not a single step. But I will, eventually I will.

 

Disneyland Paris races

Jess Guth2 Comments

c971001771Ok, so maybe it is time. Maybe there is enough distance between me and the Disneyland Paris half marathon. Maybe I have regained my sense of humour about the trip. The travel to Paris was pretty miserable. The flight was delayed because a passenger had to be taken off the plane because she was too drunk. As a result we missed the train and then because of the amazingly rude and unhelpful staff at the train station we missed the next one, too. Then we had to rush getting to the expo and that was just not as slick as we were used to from Florida – we had to queue at 6 different places and then a 7th to get th8419e742-9fca-4ba0-8c12-490574265153e photo pass.

The party on the Friday evening was also a bit rubbish but we had a little wander round the
theme park and Kath went on a roller coaster but basically I think we were grumpy. When the alarm went off on Saturday morning we were both tempted to just not run the 5k and stay in bed instead. We hadn’t slept. But we pulled on our gear, headed downstairs in the hotel for the breakfast they put on and then walked to the start area. We waited a little while but they seemed to send us off in waves in pretty quick succession. I am so glad we got out of bed because I had a great time on the 5k. We ran it all slowly and I spent the entire time looking around in wonder. It was just fun and the magic and sparkle was most definitely back. Towards the end we dived in for a picture with spiderman. There wasn’t a queue so we thought, why the hell not. Up until then we’d just 2ce2f72a-6aad-4915-8420-19914ef7ecb4been taking it all in, didn’t feel like we wanted to stop for pictures really. Loved that race! And loved the selfie with Paula Radcliffe after, too. Not sharing that as I didn’t ask her if I could.

After the 5k we went for breakfast, the proper version, and then spent a bit of time in the parks. We were tired though so had a little nap in the afternoon before heading for the Wild West show. I quite enjoyed that actually – I loved watching the horsemanship. The food was pretty average though. We had the runners’ menu which was basically a stuffed chicken breast and lots of sloppy rice.

When I got up on Sunday morning I felt nervous as hell. I knew I wasn’t ready. We went for breakfast again  – with our porridge pots this time – I barely got half of mine down. We went back to 3b16696e-7cbb-4867-a606-7bbc4eac40b8the room to use the loo before heading over to the start area. My tummy felt a bit dodgy – nerves, I figured. As I pulled my pants up againI noticed that I had a hole in them along the seam of the inner thigh. I quickly changed them and put the ones I’d worn for te 5k on again. Then we headed off. We seemed to stand around for a very long time. Once we did set off it became very clear that I was going to need to use the loo as soon as we got to one.

That theme basically continued and every time we stopped for the loo I felt a little better for a little bit and it was ok and then pressure built up again and I felt very uncomfortable for most of the 13.1 miles. I barely did any running at all really. Actually the route was quite nice although it was a good job it was dry – there were areas that would have been very slippery and/or muddy if it had rained. Some bits were also quite narrow which might have caused some of the faster runners problems. By the time we got there, there weren’t that many people around any more! As we turned the corner into the finishing area Chariots of Fire music started playing so I got my act together and ran the last bit. It was miserable. I do not need to have that many toilet stops during a half marathon ever again. My tummy finally started feeling normal again when we got home on Monday.

So there you have it- I finished it because I wanted the bling and because there was no way I had paid the stupid amount of money we paid for the trip and not come home with the medals. The next one will be better!

img_1699

We spent time in the parks after, getting a little competitive blasting evil aliens and showing off our medals – and stopping at every bloody toilet in the parks.

In other news – 3 miles in the bag today. It was ok, surprisingly warm for October.

There once was a hill…

Jess Guth2 Comments

…that Jess couldn’t run. More of that later. As you know running has been a bit crappy. I’ve struggled. It’s been hard and I have been mostly miserable about it. So when the alarm went off this morning I was less than impressed. Kath got me a cup of tea and then I very reluctantly went and made some porridge. Eventually I agreed to do a bit go yoga and then we set off and drove to Bolton Abbey for our run. I was worried. Last time I went out I could barely run a quarter of a mile without wanting to curl up and cry.

But today was different. Today running felt like poetry, a bit like slightly clumsy, schoolgirl sort of poetry but poetry nonetheless. Everything fit together as my breathing settled almost immidiately and my legs just moved me gently and steadily forwards. It was hard, really hard but it didn’t matter. I never wanted to stop, I never felt like I needed to stop even when my legs felt like jelly and my lungs were burning. We were running 2 minute/ 1 minute intervals. My Dopey Challenge intervals, my safe intervals.

We set off from the Cavendish Pavilion and wound our way up the first slope and then
down trying to keep pace with a couple of ducks paddling img_1912their way up the wharfe. For company we had a little wren, coal tits, blue tits, great tits and lots we could hear but not see. Somewhere in the background was a cow mooing away. I was still trying to take in the autumn colours, the greens turning into reds and yellows when we were at the Strid. I managed to run right up to the rocky sort of steps before walking – I don’t manage that hill very often but I felt strong, I was aware of the tightness in my thighs as I pushed up the slope. My legs wanted to stop but I didn’t. We made our way back down to the edge of the Wharfe and instead of crossing at the aqueduct we carried on to Barden bridge.

I loved running along at the edge of the river watching a dipper or two and a few ducks going about their business. We crossed the bridge and dropped down onto the river bank on the other side making our way back towards the Strid. I still felt good, I was enjoying every second. I don’t think the running was easier than it has been, I just think I was enjoying being out so it didn’t matter and because it didn’t matter I wasn’t worrying about running, I wasn’t thinking about running. I was just doing it. As we passed the aqueduct I began to feel a sense of foreboding. This next section is hilly, it’s constantly up and down. If I was going to unravel it would be here. And then there is THE HILL. I lost confidence for a second and was suddenly aware of my breathing and my feet falling heavily on the ground.

Then we turned a corner and an absolutely stunning view of the Wharfe spread out in front of me and I forgot that I was concerned about whether I would make it. We took the hills as they fell in our 2 minute runs. I felt good. Up and down and up and down and round the corners surrounded by little birds in the autumnal trees and then we turned to our left and there it was. THE HILL. I have never run up it. On several training runs it has had me in tears. On one Dopey training run I barely made it up the hill walking. Our 2 minute run started just before THE HILL begins with a few metres of gentle slope. I set off. I fixed my gaze on the first tree by the path on my right. That’s the furthest I have ever managed to run. I got there. Shortly after that Kath said ‘How about we walk from here?’ but I barely heard her. My eyes were fixed on the next tree. I might make that. And as I passed that tree I suddenly realised that I was going to run it all. The path levels off for just a few steps before rising for the last push. I took a deep breath, ignored my screaming lungs and jelly legs and pushed. I got to the top, I ran up THE HILL. And I didn’t just stop, I kept going until the 2 minutes were up. As the next running interval started my legs still felt a bit wobbly so I staggered my way down hill but I felt amazing. I ran up my bastard nemesis hill.

img_1914We carried on and instead of cutting across the bridge back to the cafe we carried on towards the priory ruins. The first stretch is along the river and for a brilliant 15 seconds or so we were caught up in a group of goldfinches playing. As we left them behind (or maybe they left us) we headed back up hill. My legs were tired and with every hill I could feel my muscles protesting but we kept going. There are more ups than downs on this section and I didn’t make it to the top of the last big pull. I got more than half way though and after a short little walk I ran to the top. Then we enjoyed the spectacular views across the ruins as we made our way down to the stepping stones and bridge, looped round the back of the church and then headed back down towards the car park across a field. As we left the field and started our slow jog along the car park a heron flew in and landed on a big stone in the river. I waved at him, acknowledging his presence. A heron – a sign of a good run!

So the loop was just under 6.5miles. We ran it in about 1 hour 37 minutes –  so if we want to talk times, this is quite slow, even for me. I have done the same distance with some hills quite a bit faster but the thing is, I don’t care. I had such a lovely time out there today and that’s what running is about. This is why I drag my butt out even when I don’t want to, it’s why I didn’t stop on the canal the other day, it’s why I am getting better at running through tantrums because every now and again I am lucky enough to have a run like the one I had today.