12 – I can’t f-ing do this – miles

November 1, 2015November 1, 2015 Jess Guth3 Comments

It’s Sunday which means weigh-in day. Kath has done amazingly well and has lost 4 pounds. I’ve lost half a pound if you take pre run reading which I usually do or 2 pounds if you take post run reading. That’s it for good news.

I hated every single step of our run today, each and every single step. We set off on the flat. I had the backpack with water and a porridge bar to have around half way. The backpack was fine. I wasn’t. I felt really sluggish and tired from the start. We were running 90 seconds and walking 30 seconds. I really wanted to be able to do those intervals all the way. I was struggling much more on this route than I did when we ran it one way last weekend.

Nothing worked, counting didn’t work, my mantras didn’t work, my legs barely worked. I’m sure the canal was stunning, in fact Kath told me it was several times. I don’t remember. We got to Saltaire eventually, I hadn’t been able to think of a plausible excuse which is the only reason we made it that far. We kept going a bit to hit the 6 miles. Just over 6 miles we turned round, had some water and a chunk of a blueberry and honey porridge bar. We took one of the 90 second run intervals as a walk while we did that. Then we set off again. I made it back to Saltaire. So far so very slow and horrible, plodding but no real niggles. Not physical ones anyway. I was full of doubt though, full of ‘this is stupid, WTF am I doing?’. I got a tiny little boost as I passed a colleague running the other way and we recognised each other just in time to high 5 as we passed.

I asked Kath to tell me when we hit 8 miles so that I’d know when we had done two thirds. We’d already done 8 miles. That made me marginally hate the run less for about 30 seconds. We crossed over the canal, the little tiny tiny hill up onto the bridge was brutal. I swore under my breath. It’s followed fairly quickly by a slope up the side of one of the locks on the canal. More swearing followed by a shorter run because I ran out of steam as I got to the top and just managed a couple more steps. The longer walk was needed. I kept trying but I’d gone mentally and tiredness in my legs was giving way to niggles. My left knee didn’t hurt as such, it just felt weak. My right calf felt tight and my lower back was starting to protest. We kept going taking the 90 second intervals one at a time and occassionally just running a minute walking a minute. At some point Kath also took the backpack off me although that made no difference really.

Melt down came at the Five Rise Locks. I just couldn’t do it. I was so disappointed. As we were coming up to the largest slope a women commented saying how we could always start again at the top. I snapped at her. She said something else and Kath did say thank you. I’m sorry if that was you. It’s just that you were tall and athletic and walking far faster than I felt capable of running. Sorry and thank you for taking the time to try and be encouraging. You did help!

At the top of the slope Kath suggested stopping at the cafe and getting a drink and having a rest as well as time to get myself together. That would have been too much like admitting defeat so I kept pushing and managed to get to crossflatts using 1 minute runs and 1 minute walks mostly. With roughly 2 miles to go I think I was in pain. The thing is, I don’t really remember. We walked almost all of the last two miles. Then, just because finishing a run with a walk is so utterly depressing we managed a little jog for the last 200 metres or so to the end.

So are there any positives? Well I guess I’m not still out there! I am not too broken now I’ve been home for a couple of hours, have done some yoga, had a bath and a roast chicken dinner and inspite of the 2 miles walking and the meltdown in Bingley which saw us actually completely stop for a few minutes we came home well within Disney pace requirements. We were at 14 and a half minutes per mile.

At mile 10 I was ready to give up and never run again. I was convinced it was a stupid idea to even attempt the marathon and wondered if I could persuade Kath to just run the half or ideally not run at all or maybe run it on her own – I’d be an awesome supporter. Now I’m disappointed and a bit anxious about distance and how I am going to manage those additional miles but I want to try. I am grateful that nothing is injured. The long runs will inevitably highlight weak spots and I’ll keep doing the yoga and the exercises I’ve been given. I am back to really wanting this. That doesn’t make me hate today’s run any less but it’s 12 miles ticked off the list, it’s 12 miles closer to where I need to be. 15 miles is next for the long runs – well I could have walked another 3 miles today – it may not have been pretty but it would have been possible. So, because today has to be all about me and I am feeling bitchy (mostly at myself), I leave you with this:

#RunningMeme Friday: I Don’t Know Who You Are…

Be careful of Liam Neeson, y'all. He has a certain set of skills/ Have a running meme you want to see featured here? Click here to submit it.

Bolton Abbey and Halloween running

October 31, 2015October 31, 2015 Jess Guth3 Comments

We didn’t run Wednesday or Thursday. I can’t really remember why. Oh yes I do – Wednesday I went out for food and drinks with a friends from work. Thursday we were shattered and ran out of daylight. Friday I was working at home so took the opportunity to go to Bolton Abbey in the afternoon. It’s been a while since we did any sort of hills really (I’m beginning to not think of the little hills on our route from home as hills any more – that’s got to be good, right?).

Friday we ran our Bolton Abbey 45 minute loop. I’ve outlined it previosuly. Same route. I was a little apprehensive. The last time we ran at Bolton Abbey was the 11 miler and by the time we’d get to where our loop ends we’d be at the point where I was in pain and mentally shattered last time. I wasn’t looking forward to it but I was also determined to have a real positive go at the hills. So we set off.

It was busy – really busy with kids mostly. We’d forgotten it was half term and that there would be the pumpkin trail. I thought I might feel self-conscious and I did a little bit but actually I just found people infuriating. People seemed to take up the entire path, they’d stop randomly in front of me or step out and block my path. It was a pretty horrendous obstacle course of push chairs, toddlers and dogs until we got the the Strid. I was mentally exhausted. After that it quietened down and we settled into the running more. We briefly stopped half way as we crossed the aqueduct and took a couple of pictures. The colours were stunning.

We were slow – just under 14 minutes per mile but it was an enjoyable run once we’d left people behind and it was a first attempt at hills in a very long time. The colours were fantastic – the pictures don’t really do them justice and the wharfe was higher and faster than I have seen it in a very long time – possibly ever.

Today we dressed up as runners (not really but I’m going with the Halloween theme!) and headed out for a 3 miler. We were running out of daylight which meant that I struggled. I was fine until we got onto the path past our furthest sheep field. I suddenly lost confidence in my footing and within seconds everything that has ever niggled while running niggled – my right calf, my left knee, my right ankle, my lower back… I kept plodding but freaked out on the downhill and walked most of it. Once on the canal we settled into a really nice jog and I started to relax, the niggles disappeared and I started enjoying seeing the canal in a different light. With the mist coming off it it looked a bit spooky – probably only because it is Halloween though. We passed a white duck which stands out – the others were nearly invisible. There were owls screetching their encouragement and midges just making us want to run a bit faster. The usual canal sounds were still there too but more muted in the mist and a little unfamiliar in the dark. Again we weren’t fast but it was positive in the end.

Tomorrow we are getting back to trying some distance. We’re going for flat and we’re playing mind games – we’re going to run the route to Saltaire and then turn and run home. We both felt good after our run to Saltaire last weekend and both said we could easily have kept going at the end of that. Well, we’ll find out tomorrow if that’s true! We’re aiming for 12 miles. I’m scared!

Run Fat Bitch Run … or not

October 29, 2015October 29, 2015 Jess Guth3 Comments

I have now finished Run Fat Bitch Run by Ruth Field. I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I wish I’d never started it. The basic idea of most of us perhaps needing to be a little more honest with ourselves and stop deluding ourselves about our healthy eating and exercise habits is perhaps a good one. The idea of locating and becoming aware of your inner bitch is perhaps also a useful exercise. Getting more people out there and taking responsibility for their own health and wellbeing is also a good thing and getting people to walk then run a little and a little more and a little more works for me. So why do I dislike the book? Well, let’s see if I can articulate this

I am not stupid – the book presumes I am. It is patronising to the extreme
Fat does not equal stupid, lazy, incapable of self-discipline – the book presumes it does
Standing naked in front of a mirror telling yourself how fat you are – who does that? I mean WTF. I just can’t see anyone who has ever been actually fat doing that. I have one full length mirror in the house and it is placed so that it is virtually impossible for me to accidentally see myself. Ruth does acknowledge that you need to have a sense of humour about this – well I’m sorry but the only way you can have a sense of humour about calling yourself a fat bitch if actually you are not fat and never have been – otherwise it just isn’t funny!
I am not running – and neither should you – because it will make you look hot and be cool on a date. Women, you are not doing any of this for anyone other than you. If you want to run – go for it. If you think your man or men in general will like you better if you run – just fuck right off. It has got absolutely nothing to do with them.
The presumption of heterosexuality really pissed me off in this book. It is of course everwhere but somehow it hit me with this one. Through much of the book gender neutral terms like ‘partner’ and ‘they’ are used but not everywhere. Ruth has a particular view of women and that view strikes me as seeing women as heterosexual, needing to conform to traditional beauty standards and gender roles. I may of course be wrong. I know nothing about Ruth …
…I don’t think Ruth and I would get along. She says she was a sporty kid. So that’s that then, we won’t get along. I am very suspicious of sporty kids. I wasn’t one – they always picked me last. I should be careful here. My girlfriend was a very sporty kid – she would have picked me last too but luckily most of life isn’t like PE lessons.
If Ruth was a sporty kid she can’t know what coming from nothing is really like. If you have never been sporty, if you always managed to get out of sportsday, if you never ever ever had a positive experience related to physical exercise – ever you have nothing to draw on. You simply just don’t understand that moving your butt off the sofa can be linked to a positive experience. I don’t think she gets that – in fact I am not sure I get that. I wasn’t sporty but I did have one or two things I was good at. I could swim pretty well before most people my age left flotation aids behind and I started horseriding when I was about 6. I do have a vague memory bank of sweat and physical exertion not being all bad. It’s not much but sometimes it keeps me going for an additional 30 seconds or so.
The inner bitch – ok , my initial reaction was to laugh – alot. How bloody juvenile but actually now, inner bitch works for me what doesn’t is calling her the Grit Doctor. That’s just weird. Ruth’s inner bitch surely is just Ruth…
Turning your inner bitch against you is not a good idea – ever. I can’t speak for anyone else but let me try and explain how me and my inner bitch get along: She is my harshest critic, she sees all the negatives and she is very quick to point out any shortcomings. She doesn’t motivate me to do things, she tells me I can’t do them. She doesn’t leave room for the possibility that I can do things. BUT SHE IS LYING because ultimately my inner bitch is just a symbol of all my insecurities in the same way that the black labrador puppy is a symbol of my depression. She needs confronting and she needs to stop spouting all this stuff without giving evidence. If my inner bitch were a student I would be saying she needs to cite all her sources and build up an argument based on credible and well researched evidence – but she can’t because all the evidence points to the fact that I CAN DO THIS. My inner bitch looks remarkably like Liv Tyler in the Lord of the Rings films – go figure.
The book did not motivate me. It did not make me want to run. It made me want to curl up on my sofa with a cup of coffee and a packet – yes a packet – of chocolate digestives and maybe a packet of crisps – a big sharing size packet of crisps – and of course the staple of all fat people a bar of dairy milk and stick two fingers up at Ruth and her Grit Doctor. ‘If running means being more like you’, I said in my mind, ‘I’d much much rather stay on the couch’
There are other things I don’t like in the book – like the ‘don’t stretch because you probably won’t know how to do them right anyway’ thing which is just stupid. If you want to run then learn what other things you can and should do to minimise injury risk. Different people do different stretches at different times and you need to work out what works for you but not stretching because you don’t know how and can’t be bothered to find out is just idiotic.

OK, that’s enough of an assasination of the book. I am very aware that I am probably not being fair. I hope that the approach described in the book is genuine and really does work for Ruth and that it isn’t just a bit of fat shaming and making sporty types feel superior and better about themselves. I hope that people who have read it have found it helpful and have gone on to figure out the running or not running thing for themselves. As for me, I am glad I didn’t read this book when I was at my 16 stone plus heaviest. I would have read it and cried, read it and unleashed my inner bitch who would have crushed me. She wouldn’t have said anything, she would have just smirked and with that smirk my running dreams would have been over. I am glad that I read the book after having run a half marathon because my inner bitch is no longer so sure of herself, because I have a chance of drowning her out and because I am learning not to take her too seriously

Run Jess Run and somedays I will be faster than my inner bitch and she’ll just have to suck it up.

Sunday Slog and October One Big Fat Run

October 25, 2015October 25, 2015 Jess Guth4 Comments

We did our 45 minute run today – it wasn’t fun. It wasn’t really that hard either. It was grumpy. Yes that’s it, it was grumpy running. No idea why, it just was. We ran 1 minute/30 sec intervals again. We were going to go to Bolton Abbey but that doesn’t open until 9am and we were ready earlier (thanks mainly to the clocks going back) so we went from home, past our sheep which also gave us a chance to check on our ram (he’s been poorly with an infection) and still gave us some gentle hills.

Just past our sheep, on the slope I probably dislike most in terms of uphill running round here, there was a bullfinch puffing out his bright colours. There were also several robins along the way. I wondered if there are more robins around or whether their red chests just make them easy to see at the moment. The autumn colours are getting more vibrant and stunning every day but of course soon they will disappear (oh look grumpy again). There were amarous ducks on the canal and one or two other people, walking dogs mostly. We were passed by a runner who said something about ‘…isn’t going to be any help to you’ – I didn’t hear what he said though so I initially decided that it was positive but I couldn’t shake off the niggle that he wasn’t particularly complementary. It bothered me.

I bought ‘Run Fat Bitch Run‘ by Ruth Field yesterday. I have got through Part 1 and I wonder whether that has something to do with my grumpiness. There is quite a lot in there that I agree with but I also found it incredibly patronising and not at all motivational or inspiring. I may just be in that mood – I will review the book properly when I have finished it and when I have given it a fair shot. I think possibly I like and totally agree with the idea but not with the approach. We’ll see.

This weekend is the October iteration of the One Big Fat Run which I think is a great idea. It’s a virtual 5km run and it’s just about getting that run in at some point over the weekend and sharing the achievement of getting our butts out there. Time doesn’t matter, there is no coming last because the ‘race’ isn’t a race. It’s about us – you and me – getting out there and doing it at our own pace in our own way. You print your own race number (it’s the same for everyone 001) and you can even buy a medal in the Too Fat to Run shop. So our 45 minute run today was our Big Fat Run for this month – we did a little over 5km, 3.48 miles. Because I was all grumpy though I forgot to print race numbers and I also forgot to take a finish line selfie. Sorry. Maybe you can do better! Get yourself out there and round 5km, hop, skip, dance, walk, crawl, run your way round and then share your achievement on social media using #onebigfatrun.

Oh yeah – Sunday – weigh in – stayed the same – grumpy

Autumn Running

October 24, 2015October 24, 2015 Jess Guth3 Comments

This week has been a solid if not perfect running week. I blogged about our run last Sunday and then we also went on Monday and Tuesday – just 45 minutes each. Each of those two runs were quite hard work – that flu bug or virus or whatever hasn’t quite been banished yet I don’t think! Both runs were enjoyable too though. We went along the canal for both but in opposite directions each time. The autumn colours are stunning at the moment and it was nice to just look around. In both cases we stuck to 1 minute runs and 30 second walks and on both we took a few walk breaks out here and there. I had my moments during the runs – mostly because I didn’t find them easy and started worrying about whether I would be able to get up to any kind of distance again. The niggles started: ‘yeah ok so you can jog for a minute and then walk a bit and you can keep that going for 45 minutes… but what then?’ or ‘You’ve only done 3.6 miles and you’re tired. 26.2 isn’t going to happen, is it?’ or the worst one ‘Be realistic, you can’t do this!’ Those thoughts didn’t last too long though and overall I felt pretty postive.

We didn’t run Wednesday because we both had long days at work and Kath didn’t get home til 7pm ish. We didn’t go Thursday because we were both too tired to function. Friday we made excuses. We sold one of our sheep and then went out for tea… Today we were going to do all sorts of sheep stuff but our sheep had other ideas – we will have to try catching them again tomorrow. It did mean that we could go for a steady 5.2 mile run along the canal to Saltaire. We set off on 1 minute run intervals with 30 second walks inbetween. We did that for about the first 10 minutes or so. Then the Garmin battery died. We knew it was low so I had put my normal stopwatch on. We then ran most of the way with 2 minute runs, 30 sec walks. There was a bit in the middle – around 35 minutes where I struggled a bit and we dropped back to 1 minute or 1.5 minutes. We got to Saltaire in 1 hour and just under 4 minutes which if Google maps is accurate is 5.2 miles from where we started. That would be a pace of 12.3 minutes per mile.

The run was nice. We actually managed to chat a bit while running and we remembered to look around – mostly just at the colours but we also passed swans, lots of ducks and moorhens. The canal bank was relatively quiet. We passed a few people but really not many. Maybe the rain earlier in the day kept people away. As we were running I thought that it might be the last run before Florida where I can get away with 3/4 length pants. It’s going to be too cold for them soon. Once again my Ronhill jacket (see last blog post) was fabulous though. It actually didn’t rain while we were running but it kept the wind off a bit.

As we were sitting in ‘Don’t Tell Titus’ enjoying fizzy water and punjabi nachos it occured to me that 5 miles was no longer a scary distance. I don’t mind 5 miles. In fact 5 miles is nice. I’m not saying the run was easy. Running is never easy but I never thought I would struggle to get the distance done. I enjoyed a lot of the run and I could have kept going at the end of the 5 miles. There were bits I didn’t like – the steep downhill at Bingley Five Rise Locks. I just don’t like downhill. I didn’t like that hill and the gentler slope further along that were both covered in leaves and were damp and thus slippy and the bit of the canal two path which runs directly along the Bingely bypass which is noisy – we just ran that bit rather than taking a walk break – I just wanted to get back to quiet as quickly as possible.

Tomorrow we are planning on a Bolton Abbey run – so there will be hills. We’re joining in the October One Big Fat Run which is a virtual 5k run taking place over this weekend -wherever you are. I’m actually quite looking forward to it.

really (not) a runner

rambling about my running journey

Author: Jess Guth