Bolton Abbey to Burnsall 11 miler

I did it. I ran/walked my way from the start to the finish of our 11 mile route. Nothing seems broken or in serious jeopardy. I’m ok, I’m proud to have done it and pleased to be back on track. It was slow, very slow but I hardly care (I do a little bit but just because I’m an idiot). Our pace was about 15 minutes per mile but there are hills and gates and there were walk breaks all the way, sometimes additional short ones, sometines scheduled but slightly longer ones. So here are my thought on our longest training run so far:

Barden Bridge
Barden Bridge

I woke up after not a great night’s sleep (I think the kitten may have had something to do with that) and had a mug of hot water. Then I got up, had a porridge pot and another mug of water. Then I got dressed in what I think I will probably wear for the half marathon in a couple of week’s time (eek). Kath insisted on no back pack for me so we just took hers. You will have realised by now that I clearly wouldn’t be doing this without her. Basically, she carries my stuff, sometimes just keys, sometimes water, food, jacket…, she has the watch and controls pace, walk breaks etc and she keeps me going by almost constantly talking to me giving me encouragement, she also takes all my crap. There aren’t many people who’d do that and I don’t say thank you nearly enough. Thank you.

At Bolton Abbey we had the usual toilet stop and then walked to the top of the first slope, as we were walking we saw a deer off to our left and as we watched she moved gracefully away up the hill – bet I’ll be less graceful. We set off. I was anxious because this stretch is where it all went wrong before. I felt fine though. My right calf muscle felt tight but then it has felt like that on the last 3 short runs too. I was confident it would settle. We slowly plodded our way through the first two intervals. Last time I’d already been huffing and puffing here, today I felt fine. Onwards.

At ‘tantrum 1 point’ where I burst into tears last time I still felt fine. I made it up the slope, walked the ‘steps’ up past the Strid and off we went again. Still all fine. I managed the downhill bit and soon we were right next to the Wharfe with a huge swarm of goldfinches flying aroRiver_Wharfe_North_of_Barden_Bridge_-_geograph.org.uk_-_1092093und us. Too many to count and far more than I have ever seen in one go. They were a noisy bunch and really made me smile. We were now approaching ‘tantrum 2 point’ where it had all fallen to pieces. I knew I was fine but it was still a relief to power past that spot. The route is stunning even if the path is a bit up and down. We’d stayed on the left river bank and just kept plodding along. All fine really. We came to Barden Bridge (see first photo – all pics from Wiki Commons – I don’t have the head space or coordination to take pics while running) and I was plesantly surprised. It came slightly sooner than expected. We crossed over the river using the bridge and then picked up the path again with the Wharfe now on our left (see photo – this must be a little further along). Still fine.

The Dalesway path isn’t a path as such for quite a lot of the way. It’s well marked but it is sometimes just a little track, sometimes very uneven, sometimes just a field so there were gates to negotiate, holes to watch out for and tree roots to hop over. It is utterly stunning. I now get muddled with how the path Gate_on_Dalesway_-_geograph.org.uk_-_629250continues and what comes when etc but I was still doing pretty well. We saw a heron, a small rather scraggy looking one who flew off as we ran past. He looked grumpy. We had an energy ball (more on them some other time) which I don’t really like but they seem to work. I was beginning to find it quite hard going in places now and a couple of longer walk breaks sneaked in. At one point we’d done a little de-tour up the wrong footpath and then found the right one which suggested Burnsall was 2 miles away. That two miles seemed like a very long way. We approached Burnsall and my legs were tired. I was trying to be positive but I did wonder how I was going to make it all the way back. We crossed the bridge into Burnsall, found the postbox and turned round. I was excited to have come half way. In fact though it was more than half way. We’d done 6 miles.

We headed back the same way. I was struggling a little now but we just kept plodding from gate to gate, little jogs of 40 seconds or so. The route is gorgeous and it made me think that I want to get fitter so that I can run it while taking in more. I was getting to the point where it was just hurting. We had another energy ball and not long after that we had a series of about 4 pretty good running intervals. We’d done 8 miles. Then 9.5. The last mile and a half were awful. At around 8 miles my back had started to niggle, by 9.5 it was pain. When Kath said we had a mile left I didn’t know whether I’d make it. My left knee hurt, my right calf hurt and my back was in agony. I was also losing the battle in my head. I forgot about the mantra, I’d stopped counting, I was focused on the pain. I’ll learn from this I’m sure but it was awful.

The last quarter of a mile started with a downhill and then moved straight into the toughest slope on the route. I’ve not managed to run it even on a short run. I sort of gave up. But Kath wouldn’t let me, we walked but then she said we should finish with a run and set off to show me the finish point. I ran. I finished. I cried. Just after our finish there is a little shelter with a bench in – it seems to be a bird feeding station and we sat for a few minutes watching a nuthatch, robins and all manner of tits and other small birds. We had some water and some brazil nuts, almonds and pumpkin seeds. Then we walked the mile and a bit back to the car. I wrote my postcard to myself over coffee and we drove home.

Burnsall
Burnsall

I’ve had a bath and a rest. We’ve been to check and worm the sheep and the pain I had for that last 1.5 miles has gone. Yes I’m a bit stiff, yes I may be a little sore tomorrow but I’m ok and I ran/walked 11 miles!

11 miles tomorrow

Another morning run. I was indifferent about running this morning. We decided to go the other way along the canal today. My leg is much the same – a bit sore but not getting worse. So off we went slowly down the hill. I found this one harder than the last two. It wasn’t comfortable at any point. I didn’t enjoy it, it was one of those that just needed doing and I don’t remember there being anything to see which must be nonesense, there’s always something to see along the canal. I just wanted to get to the end, get home and have a shower. It’s not that I was miserable or that it ever occured to me to not finish or anything, it just wasn’t fun. I think it was about 3.7 miles in 45 minutes.

Anyway, I want to write about tomorrow. Tomorrow we are having another go at the 11 mile run that caused my meltdown last weekend. I am, to say the least, a little apprehensive. I don’t really know what went wrong which means I don’t feel like I can stop it from happening again (over-thinking much?!?). I do sort of feel quietly confident though. Preparation for tomorrow is good. I have been drinking water all day and am pretty hydrated, I have eaten the right sort of stuff with fajitas at lunch and a bowl of pasta this evening and I haven’t really done anything this afternoon – just resting, watching crap on tv, chatting and enjoying being at home.

So, physically I know I can do 11 miles and I do think mentally I am learning to be a bit tougher. I have the sayings up all around the house so I see them all the time and they are lodging in my brain. I have tried my little mantra and it got me through the tough patches today. It’s ready for the next test. I also tried counting backwards from 100 and discovered that I am not very good at it. I particularly struggle in the 60s so my aim is to do a backwards countdown without making a mistake – that should keep my mind off running for quite a while!

The route should be stunning – all along the Wharfe so I could also count ducks. I will certainly be looking out for herons and wildlife generally and it would be really fab to see something unusual or something I don’t see on our usual runs round here. I also have another little trick to try and keep me going. It’s silly, totally silly but it should help for this run as well as for some future ones. The plan formed after the aborted last attempt. I went to the shop at Bolton Abbey and bought two postcards, one with a picture of the Abbey ruins and another with pictures fron Burnsall. We will turn round at Burnsall and I have written the postcard showing Burnsall. I am going to post it in the village as we go through. It says: ‘You know you can do this because you are doing it’ and is addressed to me from me. The second card I will write once we are back at the Cavendish Pavillion at the Bolton Abbey estate enjoying a bacon sarnie- again from me to me. What I write will depend on how I feel then but the idea is to have something other than the voices in my head. I will actually have postcards from me to me telling me that I can do this. So obviously I have finally lost the plot!

Morning Runs and Mantras

I actually made it out of bed early this morning to go for a run. It was touch and go, particularly because I turned the alarm off rather than putting it on snooze but just after 6am we left the house and headed out on our usual route pastimage our sheep, down the golf course and along the canal.We went slow and it felt like a comfortable sort of pace. Leg issues remain. It niggles without being painful as such and it isn’t getting worse. It actually feels better running than walking!  I took the walk breaks out once we’d turned round and I think we managed to go just a little faster than last time but it didn’t feel like we were pushing  – it was just nice to be out. There’s a very calming sort of stillness at the that time in the morning. Just as I was about to comment on the absence of wildlife other than ducks, a heron flew out of a tree to our right and headed down the canal in the direction we’d just come from. It was nice to see ‘him’ (I don’t know if it was male of female – how do you tell?).

image

Anyway, after my meltdown on Saturday and my decision to keep going, I was looking for tips and tricks to stay mentally stronger. Now, I am not a mantra sort of person, I like clever little quotes and sayings but they tend to be silly or academic – I’ve always found the motivating or the soppy stuff kind of nauseating. Well, there is some research which I read about in a Runners Wolrd magazine I think (I could check but I am far too lazy to get off the sofa) which suggests that having a mantra to repeat to yourself really works. In addition there is also simageomething about seeing words/phrases all the time that makes me remember. I have tried this with language learning – sticking post-it notes on everything imaginable to try and learn the spanish word for it as well as sticking up phrases so I see them all the time. I just wondered whether I can trick my brain into holding onto some positive messages when that ‘you can’t do this’ voice kicks in. I have accepted that the voice will come but I need to learn to argue with it (I’m a lawyer, I can have an argument in an empty room – how hard can this be…)

When we went for the run on Sunday it was the first time I really used a mantra when running. It is dead simple but it fits into a rhythm which means it also helps focus and calm my huffing and puffing. I just count 1-and-2-and-3-and-4, I can do this, I can do this, 1-and-2-and…(oh dear writing that down makes it sounds so cringe worthy and embarassing). It sort of works. It hasn’t really been tested yet because it hasn’t yet got really tough but I used it both Sunday and this morning to keep the rhythm on the hills (both down and up).

The fridge
The fridge

As for tricking my brain… I went online to look for some of the motivational mantras/sayings and to try and find some I could sort of identify with and which I thought might help. There are loads that really wouldn’t work for me because they’re all about faster/fitter/stronger which I just don’t get. I printed them out and was going to find places to stick them up. Well, when I got home yesterday Kath had cut them out and found places to stick them – where they kind of made sense. How amazing is that?!  The pictures scattered through this blog post are of the mantras stuck up on our front and back doors, the fridge and various bits of furniture. Do they work? Who knows. For now they are making me smile and partly laugh at myself for even trying this but there was a point this morning where I was beginning to struggle a little and the ‘I can’t do it voice’ was starting to get vocal and a few of the pictures and their corresponding mantras flashed through my brain.

Back door - the door I head out of
Back door – the door I head out of

I’ll let you know how I get on but for now just remember that ‘however slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch’ (Thanks to my lovely friend Donna for posting that on my FB timeline very early on in the running journey – it is the one I come back to most often!)

Dare I go for a run?

Or should that be ‘can I make myself go’. That’s been the question on my mind all day. I’d said I would try again today – not the 11 miles but a 45 minute run along one of our normal routes. Not first thing thought because, quite frankly, I was exhausted yesterday and we wanted to go to a plant sale. We then also went out for lunch so without even trying I’d easily put the run off until late afternoon at least. At 5pm ish I knew I wouldn’t be able to drag it our forever. I went and sat on our bed for a while and just stared out over the valley.Then I decided it was time. I was nearly sick. I was about to put myself through this whole bloody thing again. It would be so easy to just stop, blame the dodgy calf muscles, the knees – I might try again when I’ve lost some more weight…

I got changed. I came downstairs. Kath gave me a hug, ran upstairs and got changed. Then she grabbed her backpack which made me panic because I thought we were only going for 45 minutes which doesn’t require a backpack. She opened it and pulled out Paul the duck – the wood duck she bought me yesterday to cheer me up. Then she declared that Paul was coming with us on our 45 minute run. She took the the backpack just so we could take Paul.

We set off. My right calf muscle was tight but ok. It was fine. I was putting one foot in front of the other. Then suddenly Kath said we’d take a walk break. So we did. We’d run 2.5 minutes. We walked for a minute. We did that a couple of times. It was fine, still putting one foot in front of the other. Then came the hill up to the golf course – one foot in front of the other and the top of the slope came. Breathing heavily but not huffing and puffing.

I hate going downhill at the best of times and going down the golf course was a bit scary. Towards the bottom I said I was scared so Kath just grabbed my hand and we ran a few steps hand in hand. We turned onto the canal. I still felt ok. I was aware that our pace was very very slow but I felt fine and that was what this was all about. The canal was glorious this evening with the light bouncing off the water, the fields looking a gorgeous green and the greens of the trees just beginning to show hints of autumnal colours. We turned round and I was now confident I’d get to the end. My leg was a little sore and my left knee had shown signs of niggles but it was all discomfort rather than pain so gritted teeth it was – the stop start of the run/walk intervals seemed to make it worse so I decided to just keep running. I wasn’t sure whether I’d be ale to keep it up to the end but I could always take a walk break if I needed one.

Then I saw it, in fact I think we saw it at the same time, a flash of brilliant colour, just above the water, coming from behind us and streaking past – the kind of blue and orange that can only be a kingfisher. It is so rare to see one and we haven’t seen one on that part of the canal for years. We got a really good view of it as it flew past us and then into the trees at the side of the canal. I ran the rest of our route with a big smile and even managed to pick up the pace a little on the last 7 minutes. We did just over 3.5 miles in the 45 minutes. Slow I thought, but lovely.

I’ve had a bath and I’ve got a bag of frozen peas on my calf as I type – as a precaution more than anything else. I’m ok. One foot in front of the other.

Oh and it is Sunday. That means weigh in! I lost 2.5 pounds. All good.

I can’t run

So much for getting carried away then. So much for getting excited that I might just be able to do this. So much for thinking I could actually run. It’s time for honesty again: I can’t run. Today was supposed to be our 11 mile run. We’d planned the route (Bolton Abbey to Burnsall and back, all along the Wharfe). I was a bit nervous but looking forward to it, looking forward to the route in particular. I like the Wharfe and Burnsall holds childhood memories – probably only from photos actually. I’d done everything right. I’d eaten relatively well yesterday, I’d made sure I was well hydrated and I had a decent if not perfect night’s sleep. I had a porridge pot for breakfast and a mug of hot water as well as some more water throughout the morning. I did 15 minutes of flexibility yoga before we set off. Everything was as it should be. But I can’t do it.

We had agreed to walk to the top of the first slope rather than tiring ourselves on the first run so we did that and then started. I was immediately huffing and puffing. My right leg felt a little sore and stiff but it eased almost immediately. The huffing and puffing didn’t. It was so hard, so unbelievably hard. I got to the strid, must only be half a mile or so and as we started to go up the slope I just burst into tears. No warning, no battle, just a very clear ‘I can’t f-ing do this’. We walked up the hill and started running again at the top. I huffed and puffed my way through a couple of run intervals. I somehow made it past the aqueduct and along a bit of the path we haven’t run before. I might have just about made a mile and a half. Then an overwhelming sense of complete pointlessness set it. I just can’t do it. It’s pointless to try. I’m just going to let everyone down. People like me do not run 11 miles, never mind half marathons and certainly never mind marathons. The realisation was so so clear – I can’t run.

I don’t know what was worse, that realisation, the disappointment in myself or Kath’s obvious disappointment. I just sobbed. Not the sort of adult crying with tears silently running down your face – the almost dignified crying, no the proper sobbing til you’ve got hiccups kind of crying, the kind that makes your ribcage hurt. I didn’t really stop until we were well over half way back to the car. I didn’t ever want to run again. I was so cross at myself for allowing myself to believe I might be able to do this. I should have known. This wasn’t about anything physical. My leg is fine. Physically I can do 9 miles so chances are I could do 11 and I certainly can do the 1-2 miles I’d done so far. But running  – or indeed any exercise –  isn’t about the physical. Not when you were the fat kid in school that always got picked last, that never once managed to run the cross country course and that never once got the sports badge. This is about 30 years of knowing that you are not able to do it and 30 years of having that knowledge confirmed at every turn – be that through actions or words. This is about the looks from others as you try, those looks that tell you that they don’t think you should be doing what you’re doing, you don’t belong on that path running along as best you can – ‘get back on that sofa with your packet of crisps’.

I have said a few times that running is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is – not necessarily physically. I used to horse ride a lot as a kid, often in the saddle every day and some of my lessons through university were physically really tough – an hour of trot and canter work without a walk break lets you know you have muscles all over the place as well as functioning lungs. My body can do physical exertion, I can push it, I can do mind over matter and push through barriers. I can, excpet not with running. For 30 years, maybe more – when do you start being conscious of these things? – the World has made it very clear to me that I can’t run, people like me can’t run. Today, on that gorgeously stunning path by the Wharfe I forgot that I’ve never cared much about what the Wolrd tells me I can and can’t do and I believed it.

It is impossible to explain to someone who has always been sporty and has always had an underlying level of fitness and who has always enjoyed sport. Kath has helped so much getting this far and she was really trying today – she tried being nice, she tried being tough, she tried being cross, she tried and she kept telling me I can do this. The thing is, I know she is right, physically I obviously can. I know this because all he evidence suggests I can. I’ve done 9 miles. I had something left in the tank at the end of 9 miles so it is more likely than not that I can do 11 miles. I KNOW but I also know that doesn’t mean I can do it. It just means that it is physically possible but when you’re me, physically possible and achievable are still a million miles apart.

So where does that leave me? Well, I want to go to Disney and I want to run the marathon so there’s only one way forward. I get over today and I get back on the road. I have Thursday and Friday off next week so we are going to aim for 11 miles on the Thursday or Friday morning, depending on what else we have on. We’ll try for 45 minutes tomorrow.

To cheer me up and cheer me on Kath bought me a little wood handcarved duck called Paul. He’s our new little mascot and we’re going to take him with us in the car when we go for our long runs. He looks like he’s shouting encouragement or possibly obscenities – either will probably work for me at the moment.

Meet Paul - the Encouragement Duck
Meet Paul – the Encouragement Duck