Hanging On

So here’s a thing: I am running phenomenally well. Yep, I am. I am running with ease, I am running without walk breaks for far longer distances than ever before (including a 10 miler last weekend which was grumpy but easy) and I feel fitter and stronger than ever. I ran over 100 miles in January and I enjoyed most of them.

Here’s another thing: I am hanging on and only just about keeping my shit together. I don’t know why. There was no obvious trigger. I got pummelled by jet lag when we arrived back from Florida two weeks ago. It took me the week to feel vaguely normal again. I slept lots. I went to London for work last Saturday and that was the first day I felt like the jet lag might be lifting. But maybe it wasn’t all jet lag. This last week wasn’t better. I stopped being hungry at random times and was just always hungry and I stopped being tired at random times and was instead just a general, heavy and dark sort of tired. I liked the sofa, I spent a lot of time on it. Too much time. I struggled to work to anything like capacity. I spent a week maybe doing 2 easy days of work. I got annoyed with myself.

So as I do battle with my black puppy I can’t really be bothered to do anything much and I can’t think. I’ve had lots of stuff to do that is either already late or with very imminent deadlines. I’ve been a grumpy sort of indifferent about all of this. Irritated by the existence of obligations, deadlines and things to do. When I’m busy or have to do things, I want to run, when I have the time to run, I can’t be bothered. But yet I have. In the same way that you might not really want to take a tablet but you just do, I have just run. I have clung to the marathon training plan like it is the one thing that might just pull me out of the darkness and help me regain my ability to think. And maybe it will.

I ran today. I didn’t want to really. I’m scared of slippery surfaces but driven on by something, by wanting to feel better and not foggy, by wanting my little grey cells to whirr round and have ideas and make connections which I can express in gorgeously crafted sentences which make sense… anyway, driven by something…. As I plodded along trying to stick to the least compacted snow I tried to encourage my mind to heal and just go where it wanted to. This is where it went. There was a definite shift around a mile in.

  1. You’re a bit crap at this
  2. You’ve got too much to do, just give up now
  3. oooh you’re super slow today
  4. Your work stuff isn’t going well is it
  5. What’s the point of your sabbatical – you’re just going to mess it up anyway
  6. Careful, icy
  7. Bloody hell sooo slow
  8. What, what was that – 1 mile beep? Hm
  9. Breathing a bit heavy there? Oh no actually you’re not
  10. Still got 5 miles to go – can you do that?
  11. Careful, icy
  12. So that work stuff? What do you mean not now?
  13. What do you mean it’s pretty
  14. What? You’re running and taking a picture? – You’ll fall
  15. Oh you didn’t fall
  16. 2 miles. What. Oh.
  17. You finished that article
  18. Still slow – oh yes, it’s meant to be slow. Plan says slow
  19. In fact you could slow down
  20. 3 miles. Wow. Nice running
  21. Look how lovely it is
  22. *No idea where it went for a while then
  23. Hill. Oh goodness, hill
  24. Yay, top of hill. Not far now
  25. Done

So where does that leave things? No idea. The fog lifts a little when I run. I can appreciate the beauty of the snowy hills. It also lifts as I sit and watch the birds coming to our bird feeders. The long tailed tits are my current favourites. It also lifts a little as I sit on the bed and fuss the cats and feel more than hear their purr. But mostly it lifts when I run. When I run I feel like thoughts process normally. So stick with me while this works itself out, keep encouraging me to run, be patient if there are no posts for a while. I’ll get there, little step by little step.

24 Mile weekend

Our little Ernie-Cat is giving us a bit of a scare. Last week we took him to the vet because IMG_2475he just didn’t seem right. Last year he had a nasty deep ear infection and we thought it might be that again so we got him checked. The vet didn’t see anything obvious but agreed he wasn’t quite right. He was given 10 days of antibiotics and we kept an eye on him all week. On Friday he just wasn’t right at all. His fur looked dull and he seemed really dazed and confused. The I went to give him some treats and he couldn’t eat them. We decided we would go back to the original Dopey training plan to do the long run on Sunday. We’d planned it for Saturday because the weather forecast looked glorious and much better than Sunday. But Ernie is more important so we took him down to the vet first thing Saturday. The vet had a good look at him and again couldn’t find anything but did take some blood. She said she’d call us in a couple of hours. Those couple of hours came and went as did the rest of the day. The vets were just run off their feet with appointment and emergencies. So Ernie-Cat is complicated. He has slightly elevated white blood cell count and calcium but only marginally. We have found that he is hungry but can only manage really soft food (like our porridge or really expensive cat food).

IMG_2476Anyway you’re not reading this because you are interested in Ernie-Cat. After waiting for the vet all day and worrying and convincing ourselves that it was something nasty and then unconvincing ourselves we were exhausted. We were both ready to just curl up on the sofa where I spent most of the day anyway and not do anything at all. But it was such a lovely evening still. The sun was out and the colours looked amazing. I grabbed a bag, chucked a water bottle into it and filled a little bag with nuts and then found the remaining chocolate and peanut butter  thingies Kath had made in the freezer and chucked them in too. Then I grabbed Kath’s hat and gloves just in case and then Kath and we set off on a walk. The training plan actually had a 7 mile walk for today. We usually run/walk or do some combination of running and walking on the long walk days just because usually walking for that duration when we could be running just seems odd. But we weren’t up for running, walking was perfect.

We walked along the canal towards Silsden. We weren’t at all striding out, we were just walking and chatting. Then we saw a kingfisher. The metallic blue seems particularly striking and vibrant at the moment. We got to watch it quite a lot because it kept landing in places where it was actually quite visible. I tried to get a photo but I couldn’t zoom enough. Then it headed straight for the canal bank and we realised there was another one and there was a split second of bright orange and metallic blue kerfuffle and then they were off and soon out of sight. Stunning. A little further along we watched a buzzard pair glide overhead and a little beyond that we saw loads of geese flying  – well we heard them first. We stopped to watch them a while. We walked on until we’d covered roughly 3.5 miles and then turned just after we’d seen a group of goldfinches fly past. We wouldn’t quite make 7 miles that way (we weren’t going the same way back at the end  – I do know 3.5 miles is half way to 7!). The sunset was now behind us and it was a stunner. The colours were incredible reds, pinks, oranges and yellows.

As we got to the golf course bridge (I forget what it’s actually called) and crossed, the moon was beginning to shine quite brightly claiming its place amongst the clouds. We stopped off at Kath’s mum’s briefly and then walked home, had some food and went to bed ready for a 17 mile run today.

IMG_2526I felt good this morning. I felt well hydrated, well fuelled, confident. A little anxious about the distance but not daunted. It’s only 2 miles more than two weeks ago and there is virtually no uphill in it! Our train was a few minutes late but eventually we were in Leeds and ready to go. We went out the back so we could start right at the end of the Leeds Liverpool Canal. On our way out we saw a heron. Always a good sign!

We set off and the plan was to run the first mile and then settle into two minute runs and 30 second walks. Well, that worked well until about 5 miles as we ticked off the miles chatting about our Disney plans. Then I started finding it hard. Not really hard at all  – I could just feel that there was a little more effort in doing this than in just walking and then my head kicked in. By about 7 miles I was losing the battle. The voice saying I couldn’t do it was too loud, the repeat message was to just give up long distance running and that my absolute limit was probably somewhere around 7 miles. To just stop. So I had a bit of a meltdown. At about 8 miles we sat for a bit and I changed the intervals to running 1 minute instead of two and I tried a bit longer.

I can’t articulate what happens in my head but it is exhausting and its a battle that went on for the rest of the miles. A battle between just keeping going – even just walking – and stopping with the urge to stop becoming near overwhelming at very regular intervals. I tried to refocus on the autumn colours. We saw another heron and there were ducks and plenty of things to keep my mind occupied but I could only ever focus on those things for seconds in-between trying to drown out the voice telling me to stop. Somehow we made it to Saltaire. I don’t really know how but there we were. We had been basically hurdling anglers for the last 2 miles or so and had also mostly walked with just the odd 1 minute run thrown in. We walked up into Saltaire village to get a bottle of water. While the fuelling was good with Tailwind, I was thirsty. I think maybe I need to take just water as well as the Tailwind.

From Saltaire we walked back with just a couple of little runs thrown in – so I did IMG_2544actually run in every mile. Once I had hauled my backside up 5 Rise locks we walked just a bit more and then I managed another little run down the road and then another little run down into the car park and we were done. It wasn’t the run I wanted but the last couple of miles walking and talking things through were probably useful and we finished the 17.26 miles in just under 15 minute mile pace.

I’m mentally tired and I’m trying to be positive about the run as a training run. I covered the distance and the first 7 miles were actually comfortably under 13 minute miles and when I look back I was, like Kath said all along, physically fine. My running form was good, nothing hurt, breathing was fine… On the plus though all miles were within Disney pace except one but I think that’s the one where we went up into Saltaire to buy water. I learned that I need water as well as tailwind and that I need to keep working on the mental side of running. I need to get better at defeating the voice in my head that tells me I can’t do it and I need to stop being annoyed at myself for not running more or whatever. It happened, I got the distance done anyway. Next time will be better.

So, 24 miles covered this weekend means that I have smashed through 600 miles for the year. I am on track with the training and the good news is that I’m not really broken. I’m tired and I’m sure I’ll feel a bit sore and tight tomorrow but it’s all good. It’s all good.

More importantly though Ernie-Cat seems a little happier and more settled.

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Sunday Weigh-In news – I lost 2 and a half pounds if you take the pre-run weight or 5 and half if you take the post run weight (which I don’t because I usually jump on the scales before running).

Happy Sunday.

Controlling the Controllable – Well, Disney food Planning

I’m still ill. In fact I am worse than I was – I’ve actually felt poorly today – not just coughing and having a really sore throat and snotty nose but I’ve felt feverish and out of it today. I have way too much quite urgent work to do to be ill and I have tried to do bits today but it it’s been rather futile. I drifted in and out of fitful sleep for most of the morning and in between I read the running magazines that had piled up. At lunch time I felt a little more with it and moved downstairs where I tried to clear some work stuff but soon gave up, my brain can’t do anything much today and then dozed watching IMG_7111 copyhighlights from the World Equestrian Games and the show jumping phase of the eventing.

I am not good at being ill. I have been panicking about missing training runs. I really thought I’d be able to be back tomorrow but I don’t think that’s realistic given how I feel today. I have half an eye on the weekend distances and am already worrying about not being able to go out for the long runs and the knock on effect…. STOP. Just Stop. Maybe because I’ve been watching the equestrian stuff and thinking about my riding days or because I was reading the magazines earlier which featured some stuff about controlling things you can control, I figured that I can’t control what I can’t control and worrying about what I can’t do anything about is not exactly useful. So instead of worrying about when I will be able to run again and what impact that might have, I started to think about the things I can control.

At this stage of course things I can do to positively influence a good Dopey Challenge are fairly minimal – once we get there, I’ll be able to control a lot more like hydration, fuel, my pace… – for now it’s the really basic things. I can plan the trip so that’s one less thing to worry about, I can make sure we get there without major stresses, I can make sure we fuel right for the days before and during the challenge and that we can have fun without overdoing it. So yes, I have a spreadsheet! Controlling these things has the added advantage that it takes me away from reality for a while and allows me to immerse myself in Disney magic. I can escape, well at least until my own coughing fit brings me back to reality every now and again.

IMG_7297So, here’s the plan. We have now booked an airport hotel for the night before our trip so we can get to Manchester without worrying too much about the weather and having to leave really really early. We have booked our restaurants for during the Challenge so we can eat where we wanted to and more importantly, eat at a sensible time for us that fits in with our running and training. So if you’re not interested in Disney at all, stop reading now.

We arrive the day before Expo Day. We have booked breakfast at Chef Mickey’s for Expo Day morning. Let’s face it, we’ll need a good breakfast before braving the insane people who seem to feel the need to buy everything at the expo. Our strategy has always been to get in, get our bibs, pick a souvenir from the RunDisney merchandise, possibly walk through the other stalls and then leave. It’s worked well in the past. The rest of Expo day is unplanned so far. 5km Day will, like all of the run days, start stupidly early but that’s part of the Challenge really, so we will have breakfast afterwards. We’ll be spending theIMG_7207 day in the Animal Kingdom. Last time we stayed in Epcot but we walked way too much. We tend to walk less at the Animal Kingdom and there are lots of places to sit and watch the animals (and people) although we’ll have to try hard to resist the mojitos. They’ll have to wait until after Dopey. We’ll pick up snacks in the Animal Kingdom throughout the day and then maybe head back and eat at the Wave – still one of my favourite Disney restaurants, particularly when I’m in need of a bit of quiet.

10km day is similar in structure and we’ll have breakfast after the run again, this time in the Magic Kingdom at the Crystal Palace. 10km day will require real discipline. The run won’t make us feel really tired and the temptation will be to spend time in the parks, too much time. So I’ve kept us in the Magic Kingdom for breakfast and for dinner so we are close to our hotel at the Contemporary. Dinner is at the Diamond Horseshoe. I don’t think we’ve been but the menu looks great and should work well for fuel for the half marathon. The reservation works well for eating and then slowly making our way back to the hotel catching the fireworks on our way out of the park and heading for bed.

IMG_7154 copyHalf marathon and marathon days means we don’t have breakfast as such. We’ll have our porridge pots probably. I’m trying both porridge pots and bagels with peanut butter in training. Both are easy to sort when there because we can take porridge pots and they have bagels and peanut butter there, from memory even at the race retreat which we have booked for the half marathon and marathon days. Although I need to work out the timings of when we are likely to actually start running so I can work out when I need to eat – can’t do that until we know what corral we’re in. I can of course guess but this is about controlling the controllable. For after the half marathon we have booked a very early lunch at the Wave and then Tony’s for the obligatory pasta before marathon day. So we’re not venturing far and if the weather permits a dip in the cool pool will definitely help. The plan is simply to be around the hotel, relax, stay off our feet with just a couple of gentle strolls to and from dinner to move a little.

The Dinner reservation at Tony’s is early because we’ll need an early night. I will of course be terrified – we’ll deal with that later. Marathon day will be the 4th very early start, it will be overwhelming and I’d be tired enough with just that, throw in what may well be 6-7 hours of running (I would of course like it to be far less but I will have run a half marathon the day before and the last Dopey marathon was just under 7 hours so…) 7C1000C1-2CFA-454E-B8F7-91362B358279and I am going to be cream crackered when we’re done. Last time we went out after the marathon. It was all a bit of a rush by the time we had got back to the hotel, had a bath, changed and then headed out to Disney Springs. This time we’re not doing that. We’ve built in some time to maybe even have a little nap and then we’re just heading upstairs in our hotel to the California Grill to celebrate. That way we can have a glass of wine (and that chocolate volcano pudding – it was rather lush) and then get them to gently roll us into bed.

The plans for after the Challenge are coming along nicely too but I’ll tell you about them another time. For today it was nice to spend time looking at menus and think about where we might be when and what would keep us active enough without overdoing it. So tomorrow I hope will be a better day and maybe I can go for a walk at least even if I can’t run and hopefully by the weekend I’ll be well enough to have a go at the mileage. I’ll keep you posted!

500 Miles and Running with the Black Pup

IMG_2178It has been a funny old week. Well actually it hasn’t, or at least I haven’t been able to find anything funny about it. It’s probably been hilarious. The foggy tiredness started to descend on Sunday evening; a vague darkness settling, clinging, making itself at home. The black pup had, somehow unnoticed, crept into the room. She was asleep in the corner and I was cross I hadn’t seen her coming in. I went to bed. Maybe she wasn’t really there, maybe I was just tired (‘nah, I’m here, you know that kinda tired, it’s me).

Monday. Bank Holiday Monday. Monday was supposed to be long run and sort our shit out day. We were due to do 11 miles. I wasn’t too keen on the idea of getting up but eventually did and put my running kit on and then froze. I was rooted to the spot. There was no way I was going OUTSIDE. I mean seriously – like OUTSIDE? Freezing had nothing to do with running or the distance. I was quite happy about the idea of plodding along for 11 miles with my run/walk intervals, it was actually quite appealing but it would mean LEAVING THE HOUSE. Fuck no. The pup lifted her head: ‘Hi!’

I spent most of the morning on the sofa while Kath went and did the food shop and after a little while I started to want to run. When Kath got back I got changed and considered the possibility of leaving the house. Hm. The pup looked up again ‘Hi! You going out? Nah you’re not really are you’. I hesitated, she might be right. I hovered in the kitchen a little. Kath opened the door and gently nudged me out of it. I stood there for a minute or two and if Kath hadn’t been between me and the door I probably would have run back in. Instead we set off gently jogging down the street and I settled into a steady rhythm. I kept running for the entire 3.75 miles and then we walked up the hill home stopping for blackberries here and there. It was a definite win. It wasn’t 11 miles but it was a run. The pup was sulky and she was zapping all my energy. IMG_2177

Tuesday I worked from home and the plan was to run from Bolton Abbey to Burnsall after work. I was looking forward to it. I had an ok day. The pup was in the room and she lifted her head every now and again but generally kept quiet. She was there though. She was making me tired. We set off to go on our run. The route is stunning and I was looking forward to it. The run/walk intervals were set to 2 minutes run and 30 seconds walk. We set off. I felt tired and creaky but I was sure I’d settle.  I’m not quite sure when the negative chatter started. The puppy was bouncing along enjoying her time out and pointing out that I was feeling creaky. ‘Tight calf muscles?’ she would giggle periodically ‘comes from being unfit that’. The first mile was soooo slow. At least that’s what I thought. ‘Wow so slow?’. I tried to reason – lots of the route had been uphill, it was undulating generally… the pace was actually fine but I couldn’t shake the negativity. With every step it got worse.

IMG_2172I knew I was physically fine. Logically I knew that. I also knew that I was running well within myself, I knew the route was gorgeous, I knew…. but I couldn’t make myself believe it. By just under 4 miles I felt dead on my feet. It all felt totally pointless. The pup was bouncing round in circles – ‘you can’t do it, you can’t do it’. I decided to pull out of the Great North Run. I decided to bin long distance running. We stopped for a minute or two and I took a few deep breaths and kicked the pup. She growled but took off  and I got my act together for a bit and kept going. By just over 4 miles she’d caught up and she was on form: ‘Can’t do it, can you? Soooo slow, you won’t make the cut off time. Wow, it’s a wonder that butt can move at all – have you seen the size of it?’ She was relentless. I was tired and I gave up. I was pretty sure that was it, no more running because it just makes me miserable. I wondered if I could sell my Dopey registration. We sat by the river for a few minutes.

Then we slowly started walking back. The pup found it all hilarious and bounced around mocking me. I felt silly. I wanted to try running a little more so we ran/walked a bit – sometimes sticking to the intervals, sometimes just going by feel. I tried to think rationally and logically about the run  – prompted by some questions from Kath. Analysing it hushed the puppy a bit, she’s not keen on the science brain. Why did this run go so wrong mentally. Why could I not silence or at least quieten the negative chatter? Well, partly I think I had no plan. I assumed that because I had abandoned the idea of a long run on Monday that Tuesday would be the triumphant return to the distance. I had unrealistic expectations about pace based on the previous week’s 9 miles on the flat andIMG_2182 when that just didn’t happen (and it was never going to) I had no plan B and because of the depression absolutely no mental energy to stop the negativity and self doubt. I need a Plan B and C and possibly D. What I should have been working with was that Plan A was to cover the distance at a strong pace using the intervals, maybe Plan B could have been to cover the distance using the intervals as set – whatever the pace; Plan C to cover the distance adding extra walks where needed…. If I hadn’t built up the run quite so much in my mind and had articulated (at least to myself) the possibility of other plans or other ways of running it, I may have had a chance. Maybe not, it may simply be that the puppy was too much for me on that day. In the end I still covered 8.8 miles and in the end it was within Disney Pace (16 minute mile is the pace requirement for the Disney races – it was 15 something or other). That should be a win. It felt like total failure.

Back at the car I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I felt dead on my feet and everything hurt. I felt like I could sleep for months. Back at home though I couldn’t settle and I didn’t sleep well. Wednesday I worked on a workbook for one of my modules (frustrating, templates, urgh) and then drove to Nottingham for a gorgeous few hours with my friend Bex. It was just what I needed and I think maybe the pup stayed here in West Yorkshire. I think maybe Bex terrifies her a bit so she left me alone for the day and it was nice, it felt like maybe the darkness was lifting a little, feeling less clingy. By the time I got back it wasn’t long before I went to bed. Thursday I worked from home again and I vaguely wondered about a run but I couldn’t shake the tiredness and the non-specific ache. We’d booked a yoga class in the evening and I spent most of the late afternoon looking for an IMG_2167excuse not to go. But we went. I was again creaky and not at all bendy or strong but it was good to have to leave the house and to spend some time focusing on nothing but trying to get into and hold the poses. Black pups aren’t allowed into the gym.

This morning I actually got shit done. Kath had an appointment at Bolton Abbey and I went with her and while she was there I went for a run. I was dubious. I wasn’t sure I was mentally any stronger than Tuesday. But I had a different plan. I knew I had about an hour and I had 3 possible routes. The shortest would only be about a mile or so but I decided that if I wasn’t enjoying it or I wanted to stop then that mile would be fabulous. The next loop would probably be about 4 and a half and the longer would add another mile onto that. I had also decided to leave the run/walk intervals as they were and see – my ‘rule’ was that with every beep I would consider changing the pace – that way I could run for longer than the two minutes or walk for longer or whatever but on every beep I would need to think about whether to change. I also decided I might take some photos (dotted through this post for you) and that I was absolutely not thinking about pace. In fact this wasn’t a run at all. It was an outing, it was an opportunity to move and be outside and enjoy myself. If running happened then that was great but, I told the pup quite firmly, we were most definitely not going for a run. ‘Yeah, that’s because you can’t’ she said but she seemed to lose interest.

IMG_2181I set off on the first running interval  – all good. Then another, all good. Then I walked up a long sloping hill. Then I ran down the other side. And that’s how I continued – walking up, shuffling down, running on the flat, stopping for pictures. I didn’t stop after the mile loop, I kept going. I was doing our usual loop now but the wrong way round – I didn’t want any markers that might give me an indication that I was slower than usual. I didn’t want those visual clues to derail the positive of being out. I kept going. I went for the middle loop so crossed the Wharfe at the aqueduct and worked with the same pattern of run walk roughly to the beeps but sometimes running more and sometimes walking more. I chose the top path from the Strid and made good progress walking the up hill bits. Then there was a slight downhill and I started running and it suddenly felt different.  It felt effortless. I only had 100 metres or so before I had to stop to cross a little bridge behind a couple walking their dogs. They let me past but then their dogs came with me so I had to return them. I felt sure the effortlessness must have been an illusion.

I set off running again. Nope, there it was again. Wow, running is easy. Everything IMG_2183
aligned. I was breathing easy, all the creakiness had gone, there was no heaviness in my legs, I was running easy and just for the hell of it. I think I picked up the pace a bit and I just kept going and it felt amazing and joyful and free and light. That last half mile is, I think what we run for – for those occasions when it all comes together and running feels more like flying. Then I was back at the Pavilion and slightly irritated by people getting in my way. I got coffee and waited for Kath and then I got work shit done while she went for a run. It was a good morning.

The pup is here though. She’s lounging about and every now and again lifts her head to say something less than nice or helpful. She’s making me tired – that relentless sort of tiredness. The darkness feels less clingy and I am slowly slowly regaining my sense of humour about some things. It will take time. The pup isn’t one to just pop in for a cuppa and then bugger off again. She’ll linger. After today though I feel more confident that she is actually sort of under control. Like a sprained ankle, I know she’s there and she is stopping me from functioning fully but really is not stopping me from doing that much. I just need to rest more and be kind to myself and be aware of her.

Today’s run also took me through 500 miles for the year so far. I’m now just over 501 miles. I am really proud of this. I managed 500 miles last year – on New Years Eve and exactly bang on so I have now officially done better than last year! I won’t make the 1000 of the #run1000Miles Challenge but that’s ok. I’m running more consistently than I was and I am fitter and stronger than I was – whether the black pup agrees or not!

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Today just is!

Well everything is hard fought today. After a lovely chilled weekend with our friends that was filled with wonderful cuddles and giggles from the kids and just easy togetherness, my brain started misfiring at some point last night. I went to bed. I slept in that uneasy way you sleep when you don’t quite trust your brain to get things right.

We were going to run 11 miles today. After a cup of tea in bed I got up and put running gear on and then I couldn’t move. I was quite clear in my mind that I could not possibly go outside. I could not, under any circumstances leave the house. Yes I do realise that’s ridiculous and not exactly a healthy response to anything but there I was, rooted to the spot. The 11 mile run was quickly abandoned and I managed to persuade my grey matter to shut up for long enough to go downstairs and make some breakfast. Then I set about the slow and so often futile task of having a conversation with myself about how this is all a little silly and the world is no scarier and fucked up today than it was yesterday and that sitting on the sofa is not going to solve anything, it won’t get shit done and it won’t allow me to just be and enjoy the bank holiday either. I wasn’t really listening

To try and do something useful at least Kath and I compared diaries, planned meals for the week, wrote a shopping list and then Kath went shopping. I stayed on the sofa. Where it’s safe. I read posts on the #run1000miles facebook group and enjoyed the photos people had posted of their runs. Other people’s adventures big and small distracted me enough for the chemicals to settle a little and I began to really like the idea of a run. But then there was the door to negotiate with, you know actually leaving the house. I’d also posted about how I was feeling and the comments I got back where so lovely and supportive and I began to feel a little less scared of the world.

When Kath got back we got changed. Then I stood in the kitchen a while pretending I wasn’t really putting off going OUTSIDE. Eventually Kath gently nudged me towards the door and then through it and then stood on the step between me and the door while I figured out if I really wanted to go back in and hide. Once outside I was ok. We didn’t linger for both watches to find the GPS but set off as soon as one had it. I left my run/walk intervals on so I could drop into them if I wanted to. We ran easy. I didn’t want to find out if I had any mental strength to push – it didn’t feel like I had anything at all mentally. Physically though I felt fine. We ran our sheep loop. I slowed off even more than usual on the downhill not wanting to give my persistent black pup any excuse at all to get involved. I still felt physically good so we extended the loop by turning right across the canal and going to the stone bridge and turning round there.

We were talking on and off and Kath had just finished saying ‘We haven’t seen the kingfisher for a while’ when we saw a flash of blue and orange and a kingfisher flew out on the opposite side of the canal just in front of us. You can’t not smile when you see a kingfisher. A little further along there was a heron on the edge of the towpath and we ran past it slowly, hoping not to scare it off – I could have touched it if I’d stretched my arm out. A little while after that it got tough. Probably not actually physically tough but mentally I was beginning to really want to stop. We went post to canal boat to tree to patch of nettles to bush to bench to post….. Before I knew it we’d reached a tarmac section and then the bridge towards home. 3.75 miles run and another just over half a mile walked home on a day where it looked like making it downstairs might be a win. I’ll take that and I’ll celebrate it.

I have no idea why today is like today is. There are no obvious triggers. Sometimes there is no reason, sometimes it just is and that’s ok and most importantly it doesn’t mean that the rest of today has to be like that or tomorrow or the rest of the week.

Happy Running, or just running or not – whatever you need today