Category: Training

Dare I go for a run?

Jess Guth6 Comments

Or should that be ‘can I make myself go’. That’s been the question on my mind all day. I’d said I would try again today – not the 11 miles but a 45 minute run along one of our normal routes. Not first thing thought because, quite frankly, I was exhausted yesterday and we wanted to go to a plant sale. We then also went out for lunch so without even trying I’d easily put the run off until late afternoon at least. At 5pm ish I knew I wouldn’t be able to drag it our forever. I went and sat on our bed for a while and just stared out over the valley.Then I decided it was time. I was nearly sick. I was about to put myself through this whole bloody thing again. It would be so easy to just stop, blame the dodgy calf muscles, the knees – I might try again when I’ve lost some more weight…

I got changed. I came downstairs. Kath gave me a hug, ran upstairs and got changed. Then she grabbed her backpack which made me panic because I thought we were only going for 45 minutes which doesn’t require a backpack. She opened it and pulled out Paul the duck – the wood duck she bought me yesterday to cheer me up. Then she declared that Paul was coming with us on our 45 minute run. She took the the backpack just so we could take Paul.

We set off. My right calf muscle was tight but ok. It was fine. I was putting one foot in front of the other. Then suddenly Kath said we’d take a walk break. So we did. We’d run 2.5 minutes. We walked for a minute. We did that a couple of times. It was fine, still putting one foot in front of the other. Then came the hill up to the golf course – one foot in front of the other and the top of the slope came. Breathing heavily but not huffing and puffing.

I hate going downhill at the best of times and going down the golf course was a bit scary. Towards the bottom I said I was scared so Kath just grabbed my hand and we ran a few steps hand in hand. We turned onto the canal. I still felt ok. I was aware that our pace was very very slow but I felt fine and that was what this was all about. The canal was glorious this evening with the light bouncing off the water, the fields looking a gorgeous green and the greens of the trees just beginning to show hints of autumnal colours. We turned round and I was now confident I’d get to the end. My leg was a little sore and my left knee had shown signs of niggles but it was all discomfort rather than pain so gritted teeth it was – the stop start of the run/walk intervals seemed to make it worse so I decided to just keep running. I wasn’t sure whether I’d be ale to keep it up to the end but I could always take a walk break if I needed one.

Then I saw it, in fact I think we saw it at the same time, a flash of brilliant colour, just above the water, coming from behind us and streaking past – the kind of blue and orange that can only be a kingfisher. It is so rare to see one and we haven’t seen one on that part of the canal for years. We got a really good view of it as it flew past us and then into the trees at the side of the canal. I ran the rest of our route with a big smile and even managed to pick up the pace a little on the last 7 minutes. We did just over 3.5 miles in the 45 minutes. Slow I thought, but lovely.

I’ve had a bath and I’ve got a bag of frozen peas on my calf as I type – as a precaution more than anything else. I’m ok. One foot in front of the other.

Oh and it is Sunday. That means weigh in! I lost 2.5 pounds. All good.

I can’t run

Jess Guth6 Comments

So much for getting carried away then. So much for getting excited that I might just be able to do this. So much for thinking I could actually run. It’s time for honesty again: I can’t run. Today was supposed to be our 11 mile run. We’d planned the route (Bolton Abbey to Burnsall and back, all along the Wharfe). I was a bit nervous but looking forward to it, looking forward to the route in particular. I like the Wharfe and Burnsall holds childhood memories – probably only from photos actually. I’d done everything right. I’d eaten relatively well yesterday, I’d made sure I was well hydrated and I had a decent if not perfect night’s sleep. I had a porridge pot for breakfast and a mug of hot water as well as some more water throughout the morning. I did 15 minutes of flexibility yoga before we set off. Everything was as it should be. But I can’t do it.

We had agreed to walk to the top of the first slope rather than tiring ourselves on the first run so we did that and then started. I was immediately huffing and puffing. My right leg felt a little sore and stiff but it eased almost immediately. The huffing and puffing didn’t. It was so hard, so unbelievably hard. I got to the strid, must only be half a mile or so and as we started to go up the slope I just burst into tears. No warning, no battle, just a very clear ‘I can’t f-ing do this’. We walked up the hill and started running again at the top. I huffed and puffed my way through a couple of run intervals. I somehow made it past the aqueduct and along a bit of the path we haven’t run before. I might have just about made a mile and a half. Then an overwhelming sense of complete pointlessness set it. I just can’t do it. It’s pointless to try. I’m just going to let everyone down. People like me do not run 11 miles, never mind half marathons and certainly never mind marathons. The realisation was so so clear – I can’t run.

I don’t know what was worse, that realisation, the disappointment in myself or Kath’s obvious disappointment. I just sobbed. Not the sort of adult crying with tears silently running down your face – the almost dignified crying, no the proper sobbing til you’ve got hiccups kind of crying, the kind that makes your ribcage hurt. I didn’t really stop until we were well over half way back to the car. I didn’t ever want to run again. I was so cross at myself for allowing myself to believe I might be able to do this. I should have known. This wasn’t about anything physical. My leg is fine. Physically I can do 9 miles so chances are I could do 11 and I certainly can do the 1-2 miles I’d done so far. But running  – or indeed any exercise –  isn’t about the physical. Not when you were the fat kid in school that always got picked last, that never once managed to run the cross country course and that never once got the sports badge. This is about 30 years of knowing that you are not able to do it and 30 years of having that knowledge confirmed at every turn – be that through actions or words. This is about the looks from others as you try, those looks that tell you that they don’t think you should be doing what you’re doing, you don’t belong on that path running along as best you can – ‘get back on that sofa with your packet of crisps’.

I have said a few times that running is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is – not necessarily physically. I used to horse ride a lot as a kid, often in the saddle every day and some of my lessons through university were physically really tough – an hour of trot and canter work without a walk break lets you know you have muscles all over the place as well as functioning lungs. My body can do physical exertion, I can push it, I can do mind over matter and push through barriers. I can, excpet not with running. For 30 years, maybe more – when do you start being conscious of these things? – the World has made it very clear to me that I can’t run, people like me can’t run. Today, on that gorgeously stunning path by the Wharfe I forgot that I’ve never cared much about what the Wolrd tells me I can and can’t do and I believed it.

It is impossible to explain to someone who has always been sporty and has always had an underlying level of fitness and who has always enjoyed sport. Kath has helped so much getting this far and she was really trying today – she tried being nice, she tried being tough, she tried being cross, she tried and she kept telling me I can do this. The thing is, I know she is right, physically I obviously can. I know this because all he evidence suggests I can. I’ve done 9 miles. I had something left in the tank at the end of 9 miles so it is more likely than not that I can do 11 miles. I KNOW but I also know that doesn’t mean I can do it. It just means that it is physically possible but when you’re me, physically possible and achievable are still a million miles apart.

So where does that leave me? Well, I want to go to Disney and I want to run the marathon so there’s only one way forward. I get over today and I get back on the road. I have Thursday and Friday off next week so we are going to aim for 11 miles on the Thursday or Friday morning, depending on what else we have on. We’ll try for 45 minutes tomorrow.

To cheer me up and cheer me on Kath bought me a little wood handcarved duck called Paul. He’s our new little mascot and we’re going to take him with us in the car when we go for our long runs. He looks like he’s shouting encouragement or possibly obscenities – either will probably work for me at the moment.

Meet Paul - the Encouragement Duck
Meet Paul – the Encouragement Duck

Wednesday – still grumpy

Jess Guth4 Comments

Today has not been a good day. We went for a run on Monday. My right leg was a bit tight and almost sore as we set off but it loosened up and was then fine. It was a hard but ok run and I took two walk breaks out. I think the pace was just under 11 and a half minutes per mile. I was quite excited because it meant we didn’t have any gaps on our training plan and we were ready to start week 10. On Tuesday we spent the morning at Kilnsey Show and then came back home and got ready to run in the afternoon. We set off, my leg was stiff and sore – same as Monday really but this time it didn’t ease. By the time we got down to the canal it was painful. I thought it might ease once on the flat rather than going downhill. It didn’t. We stopped. It was so utterly frustrating and of course there were tears. I am trying really hard to be patient. No running today. My calf is tight and there is a niggle further up my leg into my hip and I think the problem may be that my hamstring is really tight. I have an appointment with the osteopath tomorrow so we’ll see what he says. No more running this week anyway.

So instead I have been looking at running routes and we have figured our an 11 mile route for Saturday (fingers crossed I’ll be ok) and also looked at what we can do along the cannal without having to run the same route again and again. So the 11 mile route for Saturday is Bolton Abbey to Burnsall and back – along the river Wharfe. I won’t spoil it, I’ll share details of the route when we actually run it. There are options along the canal with starting points in Shipley, Saltaire or Crossflatts so I think we’ll be ok – conveniently marathon distance is Leeds to home-ish along the canal so we know where we’ll be running for the really really long practice run!

I also had a little panic attack this morning and that slight sense of panic hasn’t really left me today. It probably hasn’t got anything to do with running or rather not running but I don’t think that’s helped. Anyway I am reasured that you don’t lose fitness by not running for a few days so I am hoping we’ll be ok for the long run and then can build from there.

So as not to lose focus but also to remind myself that I really do need to do this right and if my leg isn’t right I’ll just have to wait until it is, I have spent some more time looking at all the work Panthera do. For example, have a look at the Cougar Channel for loads of little video clips  (I quite like the greet and play) or if you feel like you need a brain workout have a look at the publications – I loved reading some of them but I really wish I was more of a scientist to help me make sense of it all.

If you value the work Panthera do or you’re just feeling generous or just want to support us please consider sponsoring us or donate to Panthera directly. Thank you.

Grumpy Sunday

Jess Guth8 Comments

I’ve put on a pound and a half. I’m not too grumpy about that. I had a couple of pints, cake, two meals out and pizza. I am pleased it’s only a pound and a half really. I’m grumpy because I’m impatient and I want to be making progress and this is supposed to get easier. Instead I seem to be struggling more than ever with 45 minute runs and 3 milers on our ‘easy’ week and just the idea of running generally.

So Tuesday we had a good postive run which I blogged about in the last post. The next run was supposed to be Thursday but I was curl-up-in-a-ball-and-cry tired so we postponed the run until Friday. Kath had suggested upping the running to 3 minutes (with a 30 second rest still) and that seemed sensible. the 2.5 minutes running had been going really well. So Friday was a decent run. We went at a slow pace just to see what the 3 minutes would be like and actually I didn’t find that harder than 2.5 minutes. I did wonder though whether it would start to tell if we picked up the pace.

Saturday was our planned 3 miles and we also still had a 45 minute from the other week to catch up on. We had planned to go to Bolton Abbey and run the 45 mins on Saturday and then do the 3 miles Sunday (today) but the Kath had a disturbed night and the kitten woke her up at 4.30am ish so by the time I got up she was tired and hungry.

Don't be fooled - he may look cute but he is a complete lunatic
Don’t be fooled – he may look cute but he is a complete lunatic

We went out for breakfast instead and postponed the run until the afternoon. We decided to try the 3 miles. We nearly didn’t go. We’d watched the Challenge Cup Final and has pizza, we were both tired and it would have been easy to put it off. We did get our backsides out of the house though and went to run along the canal – a simply 1.5 miles one way and then back. It was horrible. I felt sluggish, then I felt sick, my left knee felt uncomfortable and my right leg felt a bit weird. 11 and a half minutes per mile pace and to be fair I did feel more awake and positive after having done it. It also highlighted that pizza and salad are not at all good for pre-run food. It was just over two hours between eating and running but I won’t be having pizza and salad before running again!

So this morning. The cats were being rowdy again so we were both awake early. We did 15 minutes of flexibility yoga (I didn’t bend at all this morning) and then went to set off from home for our ‘past the sheep’ loop. My right leg felt weird. I can’t really explain it. It feels sort of tight and weak at the same time. Like it needs stretching out but also like it might give way. It’s not pain as such, it’s just unpleasant and unnerving. We set off for the seocnd run interval and I nearly fell over. I have a sort of slightly odd tension in the right side of my butt and it sort of carries down my right leg.

It is hard to explain how I felt walking back home. It’s always me that pulls out of a run, it’s always me that lets us down. I am so worried that I have basically reached my limit, that plodding round for 45 minutes 3 times a week is my level and that if I push beyond that with a longer run I basically just break. For a minute there I just wanted to give it all up. Why bother with something that I am never going to be good at?  I’m going to try more yoga and stretching throughout the day and see where I am this afternoon. I’d really like to do the run and get rid of the gap on the training plan. It’s only 29 days to go to the Nottingham Half Marathon. I need to get my act together and keep it together – and ideally not break.

Eek -race numbers and shirts - nice to get long sleeved Ts
Eek -race numbers and shirts – nice to get long sleeved Ts

Recovered from 9 miles

Jess Guth2 Comments

I was tempted by a pre-run post today. Probably because I have got a big pile of proof reading and editing on my desk. Anything but that! So here are my pre-run thoughts:

Today is the first maintenance run following the 9 miles at the weekend. My knees are still a bit creaky but I feel ok. As we are both working at home Kath suggested a lunchtime run. We haven’t done that before so now I’m worrying about it being different but actually I quite like the idea (that might also have something to do with the pile of proofing and editing!). I keep telling myself it is only 45 minutes. Far less than half of what I did at the weekend! It’s a nice day out and I don’t think it is too warm so it should be a lovely run. I want it to be. You see, there I go putting pressure on myself again. It’s obvious I don’t want it to be a horrible run but I need to stop insisting on every run being brilliant. I build it up in my head and it becomes this big thing and then I’m disappointed at the end because it wasn’t a PB or it wasn’t a strong positive run or whatever. I also get nervous and scared about running then (I’m starting to get a bit panicky about today now) and that can’t be good. I wrote the other day that there is no pressure on me and that I decide and that’s absolutely true – I just need to remember it!

Then I got side-tracked and actually did some proof reading as well as a bit of paper and book moving about (my usual pre-writing ritual, also known as procrastination) and now I am just back from that run. It was fantastic. No, for once I am not being sarcastic. I really enjoyed it. We went along the canal towards Bingley. There wasn’t much of note to see  -well actually there was, there were ducks and dog walkers (and dogs) and walkers and cyclists, a couple of other runners, some geese.. the usual canal-y sort of stuff. But the run wasn’t fantastic because of scenery or being out or any of that. It was fantastic because I felt good doing it. It was physically hard but not an effort if that makes sense. For the first time we hit 4 miles in the 45 minutes and even though I didn’t know that until we’d finished I really enjoyed just pushing that little bit harder physically to maintain what I thought might be a pretty even and acceptable pace. Well it turned out to be a very even pace and our fastest over the distance but that hardly matters (except somewhere in my head it does), what matters is that I enjoyed just running, not the things I saw while out or anything like that , just running. Happy.