More Walking than Running in Week 3

October 15, 2023 Jess Guth1 Comment

Week 3 was always going to be a challenge to my running. I spent the entire week (actually Monday to Monday) in Bath at the final residential for my DBA programme. I can’t quite believe that the taught phase of the programme is now over or that I have managed to get 2 distinctions and a merit so far (given everything going on I would have happily taken 3 passes!) but all that’s another story for a different blog! Let’s just say the residentials are always intense and somehow I really felt the intensity of this one. Maybe it was just because I was 100% present physically and mentally without any day job distractions. For the week I was basically a sort of happy tired that was mostly mental and which comes from thinking about hard things lots. I’m not explaining it very well. It’s sort of energising but at the same time utterly exhausting – but in a good way…

Anyway, before I tie myself in knots completely trying to explain my happy tired brain, let’s focus on running. Monday was out because of travel and then classes until 6 and then hotel check in and catching up with people… Tuesday I felt totally overwhelmed and at the same time eager to get on with my studies – so instead of running I got the bus to Bath University campus and got stuck in. The bus stop was right by Pulteney Weir (below) so not a bad place to wait for a bus and it was also lovely to wander through town, past the Abbey and taking in the really quite phenomenal architecture. Wednesday I tried to get my backside out before my brain could find an excuse. I had a random trot round Bath which felt clunky and not at all normal (see previous post). It was still quite dark so I didn’t take any pictures. I made decisions about which way to go based on avoiding the few people already out and I spent a disproportionate amount of time thinking about how sporty Bath Uni is and that all the runners I had seen out and about looked liked runners. Yes yes I know! Turns out I ran a very wonky but somehow very satisfying almost figure of 8.

I tried to stretch but there wasn’t really enough space in my hotel room and I was also desperate to get showered and sorted and out. I had a windowless room – cheaper, but not great – so wanted to spend as little time in it as possible. The truth is, I wasn’t moving enough. I was spending all day sitting whether that was doing some work before class, in class, on the bus orin the evening at restaurants or on/in bed in my room and everything was stiffening up. I felt creaky. Very creaky and my foot was hurting a little again. For run 2, I put running gear on but I was just going to go walk and see how it felt. I walked almost all of the 25 minutes or whatever it was I was meant to be doing. I think I only ran 3 or 4 of the intervals. I felt better for having got out but annoyed at not running. I think it was probably the right thing to do given how niggly my feet and ankles were once I got up to the uni though.

On Sunday I was aiming for run 3. Oh how I would love to get the week ticked off even if there was way more walking involved than I wanted. By Sunday I was tired. I snoozed my alarm several times and by the time I properly woke up I wasn’t sure I would have time to run my 2 miles, come back to the hotel, get showered and organised and then get the bus. So instead I got dressed, grabbed my bag and set off on a walk. From the hotel I walked to the Royal Crescent, from there to the botanical gardens and then towards the river. Then I had to decide whether I was going to walk up to the uni. I hadn’t done it all week mainly to protect my foot and when I had set off from the hotel I thought I might walk up so at least I’d done it once…but I could feel my foot. So instead of heading back the short way and then walking up hill to campus, I walked the long way on the flat along the river. Flat is much easier on my foot. By the time I got back into town to grab coffee and breakfast, I was in pain though. I’d only walked a little over 3 miles and it was glorious thinking time but it was probably a stupid thing to do. We finished a little earlier than during the week so once back in town I went to the Roman Baths and then into the Abbey – it was nice to do some tourist stuff, too. We celebrated our last night of the residential with a lovely meal in town.

On Monday I really did feel stiff and my foot hurt – to the point that I took the anti-inflammatory pain killers I had been prescribed. No chance of getting a run in before the final day of classes. I decided to count the 2 outings that were essentially walks, tick off week 3 and move on. Getting out three times and moving is still winning. Consistency is perhaps more important than whether I run or walk or how fast at the minute. I need getting out there every couple of days to just be what I do again – the more it’s a habit the easier it is to get out. For week 4 I would be at home so it should be easier.

Feeling more normal

October 13, 2023 Jess Guth1 Comment

I completed 2 weeks of the running plan – at the end of week 2 – which is now nearly 2 weeks ago and the post has been sitting here in draft as my attention was elsewhere. Completing week 2 doesn’t sounds like much but I have not actually managed to complete 2 weeks of any training programme for a very long time. So just having gone out and ticked off the 6 runs on the plan feels like a win. I did the 3rd run of week 2 at Bolton Abbey. I have written about our Bolton Abbey loop previously and it’s been a go to place for lots of running adventures. It was nice to be running somewhere other than my immediate neighbourhood. It was a hard run and no easier than the previous ones and I had all sorts going on in my head. But, remember that for run 2 week 2 I said that that run somehow felt more normal. Well I had that same sort of feeling again and I have been thinking about that a bit. The first few runs just felt clunky and weird and like I’d forgotten how to run. I didn’t feel at all like running was something I should be doing or that I belonged out there. Run 3 of Week 2 seemed to build on the vague realisation from run 2 that maybe, just maybe I do belong out there. While the run was still annoyingly hard and I was huffing and puffing, everything felt less weird, less clunky.

So I wanted to think about belonging in running and what my feeling of clunky and not normal means in relation to that. Over the years I have had my share of imposter syndrome – in relation to all sorts but let’s stick with the running for now. When I first started running I didn’t feel like I belonged at all. The name of my blog did not originally have the ‘not’ in brackets and I usually felt self-conscious and out of place. I am not sure when that changed. But it did change, because looking back at it now, I did feel like I belonged, like taking up space on the trails was just as much my right as anyone else’s and like running was something normal. I always had the race or event nerves, I often felt like maybe that wasn’t really my place. Knowing that you are going to finish towards the back and possibly last doesn’t necessarily make you feel like you belong somewhere – but I did belong. At some point along the running rollercoaster I stopped feeling like the running world wasn’t for me and even when I still worried about being too slow or people having to wait for me, I never felt like I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing.

So where am I now? Certainly the first few runs were pretty awful. As were my stop start attempts over the last 18 months or whatever. I feel self conscious, uncoordinated, clunky and like I am taking up space in all the wrong ways. I’m worrying what other people see when they see me running, I worry about all the wobbly bits, the slowness, the huffing and puffing… all of it. I think the feeling of clunkiness is actually about self consciousness. It’s about worrying what other people think, it’s about being aware of my t-shirt clinging to my curves, my running pants being, well running pants – so no hiding anything, my sports bra doing its best but its best perhaps not being quite un-bouncy enough. I’m not running clunky, I’m thinking clunky. So the feeling of more normal that I experienced at the end of week 2 is I think just a sign that I got out of my own head a bit. Run 2 that week was the first loop I did and I was excited about that and remember thinking about where exactly I would end up and if the loop was long enough or too long etc- so thinking about something other than me running. And run 3 was at Bolton Abbey and it was still quiet so it was really just me. If there are no people, there’s no need to worry about what they think and anyway I was too distracted by taking in the beginnings of autumn, the still subtle but now noticeable change of colour and the different air. I was looking around more, watching a heron on the middle of the river as I ran or trying to spot the long tailed tits that I could so clearly hear.

I am a long way off feeling like I belong in the running world again and I suspect I am equally far away from not feeling self conscious but I’ll take the less clunky and more normal whenever I can get it and I’ll just have to trust that the rest will come. One step at a time, gently.

New Benchmark needed

March 6, 2022 Jess GuthLeave a comment

Running isn’t really happening in the way I wanted it to but this weekend was an 11 mile weekend. After what has been a slightly frustrating time that sort of comes as a relief. I have, so far this year, managed just one 5k run that felt good and where I didn’t struggle. Everything else has been shorter and incredibly slow and not exactly comfortable. There was one outing in Birmingham which was fun but not really a run as I mostly walked. As I was out on my run yesterday I thought about what I might blog, if I might blog and what the focus should be. I was thinking lots about my relationship with running at the moment. It’s complicated but maybe a little less complicated after this weekend, maybe.

Remember when 13 minute miles where forever pace? Remember when ‘only’ and ‘5km’ belonged in the same sentence? I have never been fast, ever. But before February 2020 working towards 5k in under 30 minutes wasn’t laughably impossible, running without walking for an hour or more wasn’t some pipe dream and a half marathon wasn’t actually a huge deal. My lungs worked, they got air in. My legs worked well and were strong and my feet held up well. I miss that. I remember at the time I still wanted to be stronger and fitter and faster but I was also happy with what I could do and I was itching to build on it. Instead I am building from what feels like nothing and it is going so so so slowly.

I set off yesterday thinking that I really needed to get in 6 miles if I am going to have any chance of attempting the half marathon on 1st May. I also set off knowing that I probably couldn’t do that. I have dropped my intervals to 30 seconds running and 30 seconds walking (from 1 minute running) and it is still ridiculously hard. The first mile was basically downhill and I still felt pretty much ready to quit. I had no idea of pace but recently I have got really down when seeing how slow I have been going and then I have just given up, so yesterday I deliberately didn’t look at my watch and changed the display so it wouldn’t show pace. As I plodded onto the canal towpath and into my second mile I tried to focus on now.

But now is quite hard. I am not running as consistently as I want to. I should be patient with myself. The world is still in a pandemic, Kath and I are getting used to living in 2 homes and not always the same one at the same time and I have been settling into a new job. Maybe it’s not that surprising that there has been little headspace or energy for running. Now, plodding along at what turned out to be about at 14 and a half minute miles, the whole running thing didn’t really feel doable or that there was much point. But the sun was shining, the birds were singing and in the scheme of things I was actually doing ok. 30 seconds/30 seconds just felt fairly methodical, harder than I thought it should, but ok. I tried really hard not to think about how far I had to go and thought that maybe if I made it to 2.5 miles I could turn and go back the same way and that would take me to 5 miles. But that would be a lot of going uphill. I just kept going and eventually the 3 mile beep came. Not that long after that I saw Kath coming the other way.

She asked if she could join me so we plodded what we call the farm loop together. It worked out well because we were on the loop before I’d remembered that I had thought about turning round at the bridge before. We saw lambs and listened to the birds and before I knew it really I was 4 and then 5 miles in. And then it got tough. My hips were getting sore and my feet were niggling a little bit. But by then we were heading for home and I had vague recollections of that last mile sort of feeling and the ‘only a mile’ sort of sense. So I made it to the finish line bridge we agreed on. 6.65 miles. Then my feet were in absolute agony walking home. As I lay on our living room floor trying to stretch I thought ‘well here we go, running is really not happening’ but as I stretched everything eased, the pain went away and didn’t come back and this morning I actually felt pretty good.

This morning we went to Bolton Abbey to have a little trot out. Same intervals, same slow but hard feel, same gorgeous sun, birdsong and cold air. It was a glorious 3.5 miles and even though it is so frustrating to be 2 minutes a mile slower trying really hard than I was pre February 2020 running easy, I am running. I can still be outside, I can enjoy the sun on my face. I just need to try and re-calibrate. Pre 2020 is no longer a useful benchmark, I need new ones. For today being within ‘Disney Pace’ was useful. That’s 16 minute miles and both weekend runs were early within that. That will have to do as a win, along with being out, seeing lambs and hearing curlews.

Birmingham Running – sort of

January 30, 2022 Jess GuthLeave a comment

This weekend has been my belated birthday weekend with a trip to Birmingham to spend some time on our flat together and do nice city sort of things. We saw Animal Farm at the theatre last night which was just a brilliant production. It felt very weird being amongst people and we weren’t sure we would go right until the last minute. Honestly, I was disappointed at the lack of mask wearing overall but that’s a whole different blog post. We planned to get out for a run this morning and we woke up relatively early but had a lazy morning sipping coffee and watching gulls out of our apartment window. They still confuse me slightly, I associate gulls with seaside – and we’re in Birmingham.

Eventually we decided we would still do our planned run to have a look at the route and see what it’s like. It looked like a nice day outside and it seemed a real shame to miss the sunshine. We set off without any pre-set intervals for run/walking and I think I only ran for very short periods of time and annoyingly it wasn’t at all long before my feet started to be sore. Still, it was nice to be plodding along the canal. It was relatively busy with cyclists, runners and walkers but there is something familiar about canal running. After roughly 1.5 miles we crossed the canal and doubled back a little before heading off along the road up to Edgbaston Reservoir. My feet really hurt here and I got a bit grumpy. I was grumpy because it hurt, because I wanted to run (and felt like I could if it weren’t for my feet) and because this wasn’t what I had envisaged when we set off. It was tempting to just give up and turn round and go home. But I wanted to see the reservoir. I wanted to know whether this was a route worth persevering with and whether I can run it safely on my own.

We walked the road part until we found the route onto the path going round the reservoir. We watched some coots and ducks go about their Sunday and I played with my laces a bit to see if the would help my feet. Then we made our way clockwise round the reservoir. I ran a bit more on this part of our adventure and that felt good. We stopped every now and again to look at things and lingered for a while when we saw a heron. I was so glad that I didn’t just turn back, I would have missed the heron.

We plodded the rest of the loop with one or two walk breaks thrown in and then ran down the first stretch of road downhill. Then we walked home mostly. We did have one little jog towards the end because we couldn’t be bothered to stop to chat to the Canal and River Trust people (sorry) so it was easier to just run past and as it was all downhill, it was easy enough to just keep going. As we were running that last bit I suddenly remembered that I had joined a January strava challenge to do 10km and I hadn’t yet run or walked the distance. We therefore walked around the block a bit – it actually ended up being useful because the road locally is closed for a stretch and we were wondering where we needed to go when we drive home tomorrow. Now we know because we walked it.

We ended our adventure at Saint Kitchen where we grabbed a takeaway bagel and a brownie which we enjoyed with coffee at home. It might not have been the run I wanted and I do really need to sort my feet but it was a nice adventure and a route I will definitely run again and it was lovely to spend some time together in the city. We have had a lazy afternoon other than doing a few bits in the apartment. This evening we are going to see The Lost Words: Spellsongs at Symphony Hall which I am really looking forward to. It’s been a very good weekend in the city.

If you feel the need to comment on someone running: Just don’t.

January 23, 2022 Jess Guth4 Comments

me from chest up in green running top, purple headband looking a little bemused and tired — Me after today’s 5 miles

I have been meaning to blog for the last couple of weeks but I’ve been busy with work and life and general stuff. I have also been running. Yes, I am actually really pleased with how things are going really. As long as I don’t compare myself to Dopey fit Jess or the Jess Jess thinks Jess should be now… right here in the moment, now, it’s going well. Today is actually an example of that. I ran/walked 5 miles without any kind of drama on my part. I just did it. I ran the one minute segments where they fell, including the hills. I chose a route that had some pulls in so I don’t get used to just running on the flat. Nothing major but not flat flat. I was more than 3 miles in before I even really started to think about the one minute runs. I had a couple of little ‘oh I could turn off here and the route would be flatter’ moments and after the 3 miles I had a couple of ‘eek, I’m going to have to run that slope’ thoughts. I was also thinking about how I was quite slow really… but overall I was just out there doing my thing without really thinking about it. Without really thinking about anything at all. And then, at roughly 3.5 miles I was reminded that the world is full of arseholes and thing spiralled from there. So let me be clear, compared to so many other women I have been incredibly lucky. I have actually had very few comments while out running, I have had no really scary incidents, just one or two slightly uncomfortable ones and most of the abuse shouted at me over the years is so predictable it’s actually just boring. I also haven’t had any such incidents for ages and ages. But today they all came at once.

Me by the canal in the sun having just had my haircut with my running pack on — Me after a pre-haircut run

The first was actually well meaning I think. Misguided but well intentioned. 2 women, probably in their 20s ran past me. They were going a bit faster than me but not that much and they told me to keep going, the weight will drop off in no time and it will get easier. I honestly think they thought they were being helpful. But here’s the thing, it’s not helpful. Commenting on someone’s weight is never helpful. Assuming that someone is running to lose weight (I’m not) is never helpful. The whole comment was so full of assumptions – that I want to lose weight (not my focus, might happen with increased fitness, might not), that I’m new to running (nope), that I want to get faster (would be lovely but this wasn’t a speed session, so not my focus today), that I am struggling (I wasn’t really, I was happily doing my run/walk thing), that it gets easier (ahem, hmmm, nope – different maybe but not easier. I just go further as I get fitter and of course there are the glorious runs where everything comes togethers… but easier? Nope). Anyway, that bounced along and out of sight and I carried on mildly irritated.

Picture of me and Kath on our drive on New Years morning in running gear — Our new year run

The second one was also, I hope, well intentioned but oh so very very misguided. A male runner, anywhere between 20 and 30 was coming from behind me and as he reached me fell in step with me. Men, please don’t do this. Men, please especially don’t do this when the news is full of reports that less than 2 weeks ago a woman was murdered while out running along a canal in broad daylight. It’s actually just really scary. This guy informed me he was a PT (my university teaching brain tried to work out why he would be telling me that he is a personal tutor) and that he could help me. Running, he mansplained, would come easier with weight loss. I just said ‘I don’t need help’. And yes I was wondering whether I would be strong enough to push him into the canal if this whole PT business was nonsense. But as I muttered ‘Fuck off’ under my breath and fell into my walk break, he went on his way. I heard the 4 mile beep and was so tempted to stop and call it close enough but as I hadn’t taken any crap from my own silly brain so far and had kept the doubts at bay I really didn’t see why I should be de-railed by people who just need to learn to shut the fuck up.

Me after a lovely canal run

So I carried on past the canal bridge and towards a couple in their late teen/early twenties. I could see them giggling and sniggering from a little way off. As I got in earshot, she said ‘I’d be so embarrassed if I looked like that’ (or something like that). He replied with something equally vile (or worse) about how we wouldn’t be with her if she looked like that. As I got level he said I should run in the dark because nobody wants to see ‘that’. I’m not quite sure what ‘that’ is and his hand gestures were unclear (wish mine hadn’t been). I didn’t react. I just went past them. I could hear them laughing as I ran on. I didn’t take the next walk break, afraid that if I did I might not be able to hold back the tears. How dare they. But then I remembered that they don’t matter. If they don’t want to see a fat lass running they can shut their eyes. As I plodded my remaining quarter mile or so I tried to put them out of my mind but I haven’t quite managed it. As so many have commented on my original facebook post about this, I shouldn’t give them another thought. And maybe once I have posted this, I won’t. Those comments won’t stop me running, or stop me running that route, or stop me running on my own. To me, at this point in my life and my running journey they are fairly inconsequential. They upset me a bit earlier, they made me a bit angry on behalf of all of us who just want to go for a run and be left to it and they have left me a bit bemused by this seemingly quite widespread need to comment on other people’s bodies and how we chose to move them. So now it’s my turn to give some unsolicited advice: If you feel the need to say anything other than a simple ‘well done’ when you see someone out running, swallow hard. Just concentrate on keeping your mouth shut and before you know it you will have overtaken them, or passed them or they will have passed you. Go on, you can do it. It gets easier.

Oh and you’ll note that none of the pictures of ‘that’ (me) out on runs this January are in the dark… because I don’t like running the dark. If that bothers you, you might want to try reading a different blog.

picture is of Dopey the dwarf with caption 'I am who I am. Your approval is not needed' — A reminder

really (not) a runner

rambling about my running journey

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