Me in my head

Jess Guth1 Comment

Ah right, where are we. It’s the end-ish of April. It’s well over a months since I last posted. I wrote the last post while we were away and I was all set for starting week 2 of couch to 5km. Then I got food poisoning or a nasty tummy bug and wiped myself out for a week. Eventually I started back on the bike, the new gym opened and I went to some classes and did a couple of strength sessions and I have done the odd yoga flow and workout at home. I even went for a run while at a conference in Glasgow. But nothing is quite clicking.

After attending the yoga class at the gym for the first time I wrote the following LinkedIn post. Since then I have been wondering if maybe I need to call out my own BS. Am I fitter than I look? The bit that I think is true is that I do indeed have a lot of experience. However, having spent chunks of time in the gym where there are mirrors everywhere, having been in several classes where I have struggled with some bits and having tried to go back to basics with running and with the bike, I am not so sure I am actually fitter than I look. And I don’t look fit.

I have noticed that the more time I have spent in the gym the less I feel like I belong there. The more classes I have been too, the less confident I am in taking up space in them, the more I go out and try and tick off the couch to 5km runs, the less I feel like a runner and as for the bike, well I never really believed that was for me. I was asked recently if I enjoyed the gym and the classes. My answer was that I am not that keen but that I do it because it makes me a better runner or even just allows me to run without getting injured. I want that to be true but it assumes I am currently running. In truth, I am not enjoying any of it. It’s miserable. All of it is unreasonably hard. I am stiff and creaky, weak, inflexible, have nothing on cardio and not even the willpower the swear mostly. This morning I did a 20 minute Joe Wicks strength workout, and by did I mean I tried but I modified every other exercise and for one I just quietly sobbed in something vaguely resembling child’s pose which I can’t properly get into because by tummy gets in the way and my hips won’t flex.

None of the tricks are working. I can’t motivate myself because I am struggling to trick my brain into getting it done. I know exercise is awful when you first start, when you have to claw yourself back to fitness. I feel like I have been clawing my way back since the first Covid infection in 2020. I feel like every time I make a tiny bit of progress, something happens. I feel like I haven’t had the chance to string any sort of consistency together. For the last few years I have never got beyond the ‘this is awful’ phase of exercise. I haven’t had the wins. I haven’t had the things that make it worth it. I haven’t been able to claim ‘strong not skinny’ for myself, I haven’t been able to focus on what my body can do rather than what it looks like because it can do so little at the moment. I haven’t even been able to say ‘This Girl Can’ because this girl can’t. And most of the time I was fine with that. I was fine with starting over over and over again, with making minimal progress, getting derailed and then going again. But now? I don’t know what has shifted. Maybe it’s the mirrors all over the gym, maybe it’s the lack of modifications given in most gym classes, maybe it is the constant ‘how to lose weight in your 40s’ advertising that hits my social media feeds, I don’t know. But for the first time in well over a decade I suddenly care that I am fat. It doesn’t feel like just a descriptor in the way that it has done for so long. I have forgotten that I don’t care what people think and suddenly found myself worrying about that. I have forgotten that it has never been about size and weight and have suddenly become concerned about both of those numbers, I have forgotten they are just numbers to which we have arbitrarily assigned value. I feel judged by the numbers. I have forgotten running, exercise, movement is about me and for me and not about anyone else or expectations or conforming to some weird normative bullshit about what my body looks like or can do. It’s swirling into one rather body conscious mess that makes getting out there doing the things that will help bring clarity and balance harder.

So today I wanted to start getting my head sorted but most things at the minute just feel like pressure. I could make a plan – what exercise do I want to do when. And I can do this well, my plans are good and sensible. I have been around this stuff for long enough to have a sense of what works and what is realistic. I could do a really ambitious but doable plan and I could also do a really gentle be kind to yourself through this wobble plan but just the idea of having a plan of any kind just made me convince myself that I would probably just disappoint myself. I thought I could use stickers again and give myself a sticker for every day where I manage to run, cycle or go to the gym – the stickers used to work well but now it just feels like it risks having to look at days and days without stickers when I inevitably don’t manage it. My self talk about just trying to do something was annoying and a bit preachy and anything inspirational that might have made me snap out of it was just not for me…

A week or so ago Kath told me about a conversation with her coach about visual representation of runs or mileage or whatever. And Kath has decided to use Lego – so no colouring in for miles run or workouts completed but instead Kath is, over time, going to build the house from Disney’s ‘Up’. I like this. Stickers on a calendar leave gaps, building something with lego doesn’t leave gaps, the progress and effort made are visible and remain for you to add to even if you miss some time. So I want to build my mini Disney Castle. I decided today that for every day where I manage to go out there and take up space in the fitness and exercise world, run, go to a class or the gym, cycle, whatever, I build. Brick by brick. I almost felt positive about it and thought that this long weekend I could literally lay the foundations for my own little castle of magic and dreams. But I can’t find the box. The castle is built on a shelf in my study. But the box and instructions? We have now searched the house from loft to every cupboard in the house. Can’t find it. Now I know I can download the instructions and I can keep the pieces in ziplock bags. It’s not actually a huge deal. But it felt like it. It felt like the universe saying ‘That castle of magic and dreams – yeah not for you’.

And while I am typing this, my lower back niggles, my bra is digging in, my right foot hurts for no reason and I know that I need to and want to snap out of it and get back to getting better at doing hard. I can do hard. Hell, I can do the impossible. It’s fun to do the impossible, or it used to be. Trusting the process, being patient and just trying to do something, trying to be kind and trying to call myself out when I am just being lazy is hard. I am ok doing hard. I don’t expect easy, it can be impossible for all I care. I will do it anyway, but what I can’t seem to do right now, is deal with feeling judged and like my value is somehow attached to numbers – numbers of the scales, on the clothes labels, on my Garmin or on the weights I am using at the gym. And the most annoying thing about this is – I am pretty sure most people are not judging. It’s all in my head and I don’t know why.

So we go again tomorrow. I want to do a strength session at the gym. I will take up space. I will do my thing. The numbers will be what the numbers will be. Maybe little by little my perspective will shift again. Trust the process, remember it’s for me, it’s about me and me needs to get out of my head.

Couch to 5km-ing

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Week One of a Couch to 5Km programme done. A day late but done and done in a way that felt like happy running. I posted about the first 2 runs last time. It took a while longer to get out for run 3. Yes I probably could have made the time during the week but it was a busy one and I am very very tired at the moment and I felt pretty on the edge in terms of keeping it all together, so this feels right.

Run 3 was uneventful. There was no attempt at excuses or elaborate planning on when to go just to change my mind and do something else; no indecision about where to go… All of this was probably helped by the fact that we are at Kielder Water for a long weekend and for Kath to run the Dark Skies 11 miler this evening. We had breakfast with the chaffinches (and a few sparrows), sat for a bit chatting and just being, watching the cloud and fog roll out and back in and then we headed out. Kath came with me for a little shake out run and to have a look at the start area and the route arrows to be prepared for this evening. So that added purposes took care of whether to go clockwise or anti-clockwise round Kielder Water (we went clockwise).

It was a stunning morning, the reservoir was like a millpond and the light was doing interesting things with reflections and seemed to make everything look sort of silver. I quickly noticed that runs 1 and 2 had been basically completely on the flat. The path here is not flat. It’s undulating and my lungs quickly told me what they thought of that. Still, the 8 runs of 1 minute each with 90 seconds walking in-between were fine really. We did 7 in one directions and then turned round and came back.

I was pleased with how quickly I recovered to normal heart rate and breathing – even if not entirely happy with how quickly both had shot up during the run. But baby steps, patience and trusting the plan will get me to where I want to be so I am doing just that. I wasn’t really sure about Couch to 5km. I have tried it before and I didn’t get on with it. I have always preferred the more permanent run/walk/run of the Jeff Galloway method. But over the last year I have also sort of feel that it is no longer doing it for me. Or at least it isn’t helping me get back into running properly. So let’s see how this goes. I am not saying I want to go and run a marathon or even a half without walk breaks. I think I am likely to always use run/walk/run for longer distances. However, I also think I need to build some baseline running fitness and a Couch to 5km which builds to running 30 minutes without walking seems like a good place to start.

Week 1 has been good. Roll on week 2 which consists of 3 runs that are all the same – Five 90 second runs with 2 minute walks breaks in-between. It has probably been quite a long time since I did 90 second running intervals but I am actually looking forward to it and 2 minutes feels like a very generous recovery period. So, now for hot tub, afternoon nap, stretches and then being Kath’s support crew for this evening.

Happy Weekend all.

Am I back running?

Jess Guth1 Comment

It’s now nearly 2 months since our 3rd Dopey attempt. I should probably update. The short version is, we didn’t complete our 3rd Dopey. We didn’t start the marathon. Not an easy decision but the right one all things considered. Maybe I’ll do a more detailed blog about all of that at some point. For now what you need to know is that after our utterly lush massage on the Monday after the Dopey Challenge and 2 days after the half marathon, my knee felt weird and then went really painful. It stayed that way – particularly on stairs or when sitting down/standing up.

I went to the osteopath when we got home and he confirmed that I had a partial tear in my cartilage. So that’s annoying. I have therefore not run at all and actually if we are perfectly honest, I have done absolutely fuck all since we got back from Florida. I’ve made lots of plans for running, I’ve talked about running, I’ve made plans for other exercise and renewed my various apps etc and I have even signed up to join the new gym down the road when it opens on 21st March. But have I actually done anything? Nope! Nada. Nothing at all.

So when I went to a work thing Thurs/Fri I took running gear because sometimes starting again is easier outside of whatever silly routine I have fallen into. And I did it. I slept terribly, was awake from 3am and around 5ish started to seriously consider going out to run. It took me another half an hour to persuade myself to actually get out of bed and then I got sorted. I quickly looked for a Couch to 5km Programme and went for the first one I saw just to stop overthinking it. Week 1 is 3 sessions of walking 5 minutes to warm up, then running 1 minute and walking 90 seconds 8 times and then walking 5 minutes to cool down. I couldn’t be bothered with the warm up (I know) so I just marched across the car park and then set off. It was all fine. Around run 5 I got confused because I got to a big main road and was wondering whether to keep going along but it was already quite busy so I turned round and then I got a low battery warning. I assumed that was my run so set off and then got another beep which was actually the run but which I thought was a walk and then it was chaos. I think in the end I actually did 9 runs and 2 of them were 90 second ones… Close enough.

Today I went for run 2. Yes I actually went. I went through lots of excuses, including the fact that I helped Kath move our apple tree in its huge pot earlier and tweaked my back slightly. But I went and it was all fine. I tried to run rather than plod during the 1 minute intervals. I have got so used to just plodding very slowly because I have always been training for distance and was worried about keeping going for the distance. So I needed to remind myself that this is not about going far, just about going, building consistency and getting back into running. Let’s get this Couch to 5km programme done and then see where we are. 2 runs done. The next one is the same intervals and then we move on to week 2.

Say it quietly: It felt good to be out

Review: There is No Wall

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I logged off from work for the year on Friday, spent Saturday in the kitchen baking and cooking and cleaning which was a great brain re-set and then spent Sunday not doing much at all really. Kath was still working yesterday but we did the Christmas food shop early and then I curled up on the sofa to finally finish reading Allie Bailey’s There is no Wall. I started this a while ago after we listened to Allie talk at the Ilkley Literature Festival and then bought the book. Kath read it first and then I started it. Then I got busy at work again and as so often happens, just didn’t read for pleasure. I picked the book up again last night and went back a bit.

The book is phenomenal. It made me laugh, it made me cry quite a lot, it made me breathe deeply, be thankful for what I have and at the same time ask questions of myself that are not entirely comfortable. The book is and isn’t about running. It’s a lovely and at times brutally real antidote to the social media and new year new you nonsense. It’s about mental health, addiction, faking it, asking for help and accepting it and, to me anyway, it’s about finding your values and recognising them as fundamental to everything really. I love the honesty in the writing. I love that the swearing isn’t edited out, that the tone of the book isn’t polished into a beautiful narrative that sort of glosses over how dark Allie’s story really is. The writing is good, really good but it’s gritty and real.

I will need more time to really reflect on the book but there are a couple of things that really stand out to me

  1. The stories we tell ourselves. Allie notes that that the stories we believe are the ones we tell ourselves (or are told) most often but reminds us that we have a choice what thoughts and stories we believe. We have a choice. That’s really fucking powerful.
  2. External validation doesn’t get us very far. Our self-worth has to come from us, not from what we think others think of us
  3. Values are key to EVERYTHING
  4. There is a big knowing-doing gap. I had never thought about it as a knowing-doing gap before (I am probably late to the party here as always as apparently this is a pretty well known idea – it just wasn’t to me) but it is such an obvious way of describing it and applies to me all the time! As Allie notes, it’s really hard to bridge that gap and not just shout back as you fall further down the huge crevice the gap can create

I am feeling the knowing-doing gap particularly keenly at the moment. I know consistency is key to almost everything. I know good fuelling is key to being healthy, I know stretching and strength work are crucial to staying healthy, I know I need to focus on the stories I tell myself about running, I know I need to do the hard work and I know I need to start doing it now – with kindness and love, but now. Doing it is so much harder than knowing it though. And I think that is why I like the book so much. There is no pretence that any of this is easy. Getting your shit together is hard and it stays hard. You don’t just suddenly get your ducks in a row and then they stay there and you live happily ever after. Or maybe other people who have never experienced poor mental health do. No idea. I have been nowhere near as ill as Allie and I am grateful for that but I also expected running, at a very very different level of of course, to save me. And for a while it did. I got fitter, so much fitter. I could do things. I could view my body in terms of what it could do rather than what the number on my clothes label said and somehow that all helped.

But I haven’t really done the work on me, I know this. Because when the running fell to pieces because of Covid and busy-ness and toxic workplaces and all the shit that life can throw at you and personal bests and races well run or at least struggled through to claim mental victory were replaced by DNF or actually mostly DNS, running was (is?) just another problem. My body is now not delivering, I am not strong, I am not fit – so how should I see my body, myself, now? Allie is right, running won’t save you from whatever demons you have but I also think she is right that running can buy you time to save yourself. I think through most of my running I have been both running away from stuff and running towards who I want to be, the balance has just varied. And who I want to be is not far off who I am right now in this moment sitting here writing this. I am happy. I am relatively healthy. I look forward too much and could do with being more in the moment and I know a lot of stuff that I am doing fuck all about. But I am aware and I am taking tiny little baby steps to start building a bridge across the knowing-doing gap. Running helps me meet my black puppy with curiosity and kindness every time it appears, it helps me make better decisions day to day, it helps me accept things as they are so I can start from there, it helps me breathe deeply when I need to and it helps me be kinder, most of all to myself. Those are the things that save us – if we do the work.

Read the book. Even if you think you’re fine, even if you don’t run. Read it because it is just a bloody good book about a remarkable woman. And somehow it is a book of tremendous hope.

Long Run Day and a Stupid Brain

Jess Guth1 Comment

So it was 17 miles day today. Well actually 17 mile day was yesterday but yesterday things felt all wonky and weird for both of us so we went for a walk instead and moved 17 mile day to today. The plan was to get the train to Leeds and run back to Crossflatts. It started off with me at some point having turned off the alarm so we didn’t wake up in time for the train we were going to get out to Leeds. That nearly de-railed us but we eventually decided to just go for a later train which is fine on a Saturday as the car park as Crossflatts doesn’t fill up.

We got into Leeds and set off along the canal towards home. It was a gorgeous morning and the first couple of miles felt absolutely fine. My new running vest fits well and I easily sipped both water and fuel as we made our way through the first 5km and towards 4 miles. I was slightly disappointed with my pace but it was all fine and there were loads of herons which always make me smile. Throughout mile 5 my right calf tightened a bit and my right foot got pins and needles which took another mile-ish to sort itself out. Then my right hip flexor started niggling. All of this before we had even hit 6 miles. And of course that thought went through my head and bang – brain malfunction.

I managed another mile of run/walk but just after 7 miles I lost the mental battle. I am pretty sure that I was probably physically ok but I just couldn’t get there. It is so hard to explain and looking back just feels silly. I went from thinking all was fine and the run was actually pretty positive to allowing a tiny twinge to derail me completely – and I am cross and disappointed at myself for that. Immediately the importer syndrome kicked in. I had only got to 7 miles, there was no way I would be able to do Dopey – I wasn’t even worthy of trying. That spiralled into thoughts about just not being good enough, being too fat and too old to be out there running and that I was just foolish for even trying. For my stupid uncooperative brain, I had the evidence that I should just pack up and go home and bin all my running shoes right there.

We kept walking. Not that we had a choice in that anyway as there was nowhere to come off the canal to get a train. We just walked. I tried to walk relatively fast but I couldn’t get within Disney Pace. We shared a banana and just kept walking and walking and walking… Eventually I started to feel slightly more positive. I was still walking and while hips and feet weren’t exactly happy, there was also no real pain or anything signifying injury. I kept an eye on how long each mile was taking and did the maths – I was still within overall Disney Pace so the goal became to finish half marathon distance within that pace. According to Strava I did and according to Garmin I just missed it.

We had agreed to stop in Saltaire and have food and try and turn the day into a positive one. We got pizza and it was great and then we got the train back to Crossflatts. I have stopped spiralling and have got my brain back into a more positive space. We have agreed that as things stand we will give the first 3 runs of the Dopey Challenge a good go and then we’ll decide on strategy for the marathon. It may be that Kath just goes for it to get Dopey, it may be that we do it together and she tries to help me get round. We don’t have to decide right now and there is still a month of training left to go. Stretching and strength could make all the difference. I do still feel like a running imposter. I still feel like everyone we saw out there was judging me (they weren’t) and that I shouldn’t be taking up space in the running world. But I am back believing that those feelings are nonsense. I know I have as much right to be a runner as everyone else and I will eventually get back to believing it, too.

So 13.5 miles instead of 17, lots of nonsense in my brain but overall a good day and we go again tomorrow.