I completed 2 weeks of the running plan – at the end of week 2 – which is now nearly 2 weeks ago and the post has been sitting here in draft as my attention was elsewhere. Completing week 2 doesn’t sounds like much but I have not actually managed to complete 2 weeks of any training programme for a very long time. So just having gone out and ticked off the 6 runs on the plan feels like a win. I did the 3rd run of week 2 at Bolton Abbey. I have written about our Bolton Abbey loop previously and it’s been a go to place for lots of running adventures. It was nice to be running somewhere other than my immediate neighbourhood. It was a hard run and no easier than the previous ones and I had all sorts going on in my head. But, remember that for run 2 week 2 I said that that run somehow felt more normal. Well I had that same sort of feeling again and I have been thinking about that a bit. The first few runs just felt clunky and weird and like I’d forgotten how to run. I didn’t feel at all like running was something I should be doing or that I belonged out there. Run 3 of Week 2 seemed to build on the vague realisation from run 2 that maybe, just maybe I do belong out there. While the run was still annoyingly hard and I was huffing and puffing, everything felt less weird, less clunky.
So I wanted to think about belonging in running and what my feeling of clunky and not normal means in relation to that. Over the years I have had my share of imposter syndrome – in relation to all sorts but let’s stick with the running for now. When I first started running I didn’t feel like I belonged at all. The name of my blog did not originally have the ‘not’ in brackets and I usually felt self-conscious and out of place. I am not sure when that changed. But it did change, because looking back at it now, I did feel like I belonged, like taking up space on the trails was just as much my right as anyone else’s and like running was something normal. I always had the race or event nerves, I often felt like maybe that wasn’t really my place. Knowing that you are going to finish towards the back and possibly last doesn’t necessarily make you feel like you belong somewhere – but I did belong. At some point along the running rollercoaster I stopped feeling like the running world wasn’t for me and even when I still worried about being too slow or people having to wait for me, I never felt like I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing.
So where am I now? Certainly the first few runs were pretty awful. As were my stop start attempts over the last 18 months or whatever. I feel self conscious, uncoordinated, clunky and like I am taking up space in all the wrong ways. I’m worrying what other people see when they see me running, I worry about all the wobbly bits, the slowness, the huffing and puffing… all of it. I think the feeling of clunkiness is actually about self consciousness. It’s about worrying what other people think, it’s about being aware of my t-shirt clinging to my curves, my running pants being, well running pants – so no hiding anything, my sports bra doing its best but its best perhaps not being quite un-bouncy enough. I’m not running clunky, I’m thinking clunky. So the feeling of more normal that I experienced at the end of week 2 is I think just a sign that I got out of my own head a bit. Run 2 that week was the first loop I did and I was excited about that and remember thinking about where exactly I would end up and if the loop was long enough or too long etc- so thinking about something other than me running. And run 3 was at Bolton Abbey and it was still quiet so it was really just me. If there are no people, there’s no need to worry about what they think and anyway I was too distracted by taking in the beginnings of autumn, the still subtle but now noticeable change of colour and the different air. I was looking around more, watching a heron on the middle of the river as I ran or trying to spot the long tailed tits that I could so clearly hear.
I am a long way off feeling like I belong in the running world again and I suspect I am equally far away from not feeling self conscious but I’ll take the less clunky and more normal whenever I can get it and I’ll just have to trust that the rest will come. One step at a time, gently.
It’s week 2 of the plan. I am supposed to go out for 16 minutes, 19 minutes and 30 minutes this week. It’s Friday evening and I have done the 16 minute and 19 minute runs. I had a rest day on Monday. I was a bit creaky. On Tuesday I procrastinated a bit. I really did not want to run the same out and back as I had all last week. Leave the house, turn right, turn left down the hill, turn right up the hill, turn round and come back….booooring. I was sort of resigned to that just being the route from here though. I mean I could turn right at the end of the road but that’s basically 2.5 miles of pure up so not likely. Then I remembered that we do actually have a footpath that goes along the back of our house and opens into fields. Following that path should be fine for a 16 minute out and back.
Cows where I wanted to run
I put my trail shoes on with some excitement. I was going to run off road. Yay. I went out the back gate and carefully trotted along the path, squeezed my arse through the gap at the end and headed into the first field. Cows. There were cows. Of course there were cows. They weren’t actually in that first field but that opens into a long line of fields which are always open to livestock – I am not even sure all the gaps in walls have gates in them and some of the walls are a little non-wall like. So running that way wasn’t an option. I turned round as I was being watched by a black fluffy young cow and headed back to the snicket. Oh well. By the time I emerged at the other end and back onto the road, I had probably had about 5 minutes off road. Better than nothing. I trotted down the road, sulking. Because I was sulking I don’t really remember running down the road. I do remember coming back up though because it felt bloody impossible. In fact it was impossible and for the last 30 second run I just turned round and ran back downhill because that seemed better than giving up. I wasn’t happy but I was done.
I was then going to run on Wednesday morning. Kath was heading to London early so I dropped her off at the station just before 6am. Then I went back to bed. I woke up over 2 hours later and about in time to get myself organised to go and have my flu jab. It’s not as bad as last year but it has made my arm hurt. I felt pretty rubbish so ended up just watching episodes of Buffy and pottering about the house until it was time to pick Kath up again. Yesterday I felt very tired – I assume flu jab – and my shoulder, upper arm and collarbone felt really bruised. So I decided not to run. Today I just didn’t want to. We went for a short walk in Grassington and had a look round the village and then had a lazy day at home. I did not want to go out into the wind and try move my backside for 19 minutes. But I didn’t really have an excuse either. So off I went. 19 minutes meant that a loop was sort of worth it! It was exciting not to do an out and back. Somehow a loop feels far less pointless than running to a specific point just to turn round and run back. So running to the end of the road, turning left down the hill and right up the hill felt less boring because I didn’t turn round. I carried on. I turned left at the top of the hill and sloped down before turning left again and going downhill. There was a lot of downhill in this run so I didn’t take the walk breaks as I went down the big hill. After about 16 minutes I turned left again up into what we call ‘the little estate’. So I was finishing on uphill. I barely made he last run segment because I didn’t want to enough. I was probably fine but I just could not be bothered to force myself to do it. I half heartedly walked slightly faster.
Today’s outing felt a bit more normal though. Still hard, harder than it should be and I still completely died on the uphill but overall it felt a bit better. I felt a bit better being out there, less self-conscious. It’s hard to explain but I’ll take that. It seemed to take me forever to walk back home though and I don’t remember this snicket being as steep or long as it felt!
30 minutes next and that seems like a big ask right now. I’ll let you know!
Launch of a Space X rocket in Jan 2023 as seen from Disney World
I have started again again again too many times to still use that phrase as a title. And I have not blogged for 18 months so that doesn’t feel like just starting again from where we left off. So let’s call it a re-launch. Isn’t that what we do when everything has got a bit shit and old and tired and is in need of new beginnings? Perhaps even to become something different, re-invent ourself and set out on new adventures? Well, running has certainly been a bit shit, there’s no denying I’m getting older (good job really!) and tired – well, yes, there has been lots of tired! Do I need new beginnings when it comes to running? Maybe, but there are certainly new beginnings on the horizon in career terms so that’s exciting and a good enough excuse to re-launch the blog, the running, the exercise and everything that makes me really (not) a runner. Let’s just launch ourselves head first into new (but kinda familiar) adventures.
So where are we with this putting one foot in front of the other business? Honestly, we are at zero. At least physically we are at zero. I cannot stress how unfit I am right now. And no this isn’t one of those where I say how crap I am so you tell me I am not or where I set up my immediate success by telling you how awful I am just to then suddenly actually be reasonably competent. No. I. Am. Unfit. Probably as unfit or even worse than when I first started running. Yes, that bad. There are all sorts of reasons for that and many many excuses but this is a re-launch not a moan about who I never really got going again after having Covid the first time and when I sort of did I got Covid a second time or about how busy I was, how I couldn’t be bothered, how I am heavier now than I was when I started running …. you know it all anyway. So for ages doing anything about this just seemed a bit pointless. Every time I tried something else, this 44 year old body of mine would break, disintegrate, refuse to work – so sitting on the sofa just seemed safer.
Zero – too early for a Halloween reference?
But of course things would break because I am impatient and because in my mind I am a much better runner than I actually am. Sitting on the sofa I can do it all, slowly, but all. So I am all or nothing, I don’t do patient and one run at a time and starting again at the beginning. So what’s different now? My re-launch is all about slowing down. I know that sounds idiotic given what I just outlined but stick with it. I am accepting (not very happily) that I am not going to go out and manage a 10 mile run/walk tomorrow, or even 10k or even 5k for that matter. I am also accepting (again not happily) that my ‘forever pace’ where I can plod along without much of a care is not 12.5 minutes a mile without walk breaks. I don’t have a forever pace currently. I have a ‘can walk like this for a good while’ pace but it’s annoyingly far from forever. Running doesn’t feature here. I am accepting (and trying to be happy about it) that I simply am where I am and this is where I start. I can’t start from somewhere I’m not at and I can’t force myself to be there or get there quickly. That’s not how this works.
My attempts to go slow, not overdo it, listen to my body (goodness it whinges)and just ease slowly back into actually moving haven’t been hugely successful so far – did I mention I was impatient? Couch to 5k just annoyed me. Doing 5k ish loops on run/walk was too much for my very bitchy left foot that insists on having tendinitis that won’t go away (well obviously it won’t go away if I keep making it run/walk 5k!). But just maybe this week has seen a tiny little breakthrough. I have started The RunDisney 5km training plan. When I first opened it I sneered at it. I don’t need that. Come on, a training plan for 5km? I’ll go do 5k now, what is this nonsense. But for once I paused for long enough to open the PDF file to take a proper look. I’d just come back from the osteopath having worked on my foot, I felt a bit woozy from the treatment and keenly aware of my foot. Maybe that’s what made me pause. Anyway, Week 1 read: 10 minutes, 13 minutes, 1.5 miles. Three runs, all done at run/walk following the Jeff Galloway method. I let that sink in for a little while.
Red Arrows at South Shields – finish for the Great North Run
Then Kath ran the Great North Run and I was support crew. As much as I enjoyed supporting Kath and was quite happy about not having to run in the heat and/or massive cloudburst seen at this year’s event, it felt like I was on the wrong side of it all. I wanted to be a runner not a spectator. So when we got back I picked the programme up again and had another look. Another set of treatment on the foot followed and it felt like it might entertain the idea of a short run. I was going to go out on Monday. But the thing about not having been out for ages is that I sort of knew it would be pretty awful so all the demons that keep me from going out went into overdrive. I spent Monday knowing it was pointless, worrying about how much it would hurt, planning another week of stretches and treatment on the foot, wondering what I could do to get fitter first, deciding I would lose a chunk of weight first and then come back to running. Well we all know Mondays are vile. Mondays should not be allowed to give their opinions on anything because Mondays give really bad advice!
Tuesday came and I ran out of excuses. 10 minutes. Run/Walk/Run. I used 30 second/30 second run/walk intervals. It was raining and it was glorious. It was also awful. I set off. 30 seconds running barely took me to the end of the road and as I was still wondering if I had always covered so little distance in 30 seconds my walk break was over and I was running again. The next 3 were fine – they were downhill. I had a warning twinge in my foot which made me swear out loud but otherwise, nothing much happened. Then I went uphill. Hahahahahahaha. My lungs just went ‘nope’. After 30 seconds of trying to move uphill it was clear that this running thing is not going to be fun for quite some time! Honestly, I think if I was starting out running for the first time I would have just turned back, walked home and taken up cross stitch. I used to run up that hill – continuously. I could have cried but it was time to run again. This was run 6 so I was turning round after this one (to allow for a slightly longer walk at the end to cool down). I turned half way through because I couldn’t actually go uphill any longer. I huffed and puffed my way to the end. My heart rate went way too high for such a short run. The pace, oh my god the fucking pace. I mean what pace. There was no pace…. And yet when I got back I felt calm, like I was back, like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.
Wednesday was a deliberate and planned day off running but I actually had to stop myself from going out again. Thursday and Friday were a mix of excuses and trying to work out whether my foot hurt or not. Saturday I had decided it did not. Run 2. 13 minutes. Same route, same bastard hills. Same huffing and puffing, same awfulness. I also felt very very self-conscious out there running. I didn’t feel like I belonged. I noticed that I was bracing for comments as I ran past the pub (none came). I felt awkward and clumsy and slow. Well, I was slow. But I also hadn’t pushed the pace on the runs at all. I wanted to avoid the warning pain I had last time and running slower did the trick. The run was awful but it was pain free and a pain free, completed run is a win. Yay for pain free 15 minute mile pace. And I am trying to say that without any hint of sarcasm. Trying to.
Storm – 5 months old and a bundle of fluffy fury
Today (Sunday) I woke up early because our latest addition to the family – Storm cat – has learned to pull my hair to get my attention. So by 7ish I’d had coffee and sufficient time to wake up and unconfuse myself (confused is my normal in the morning). Kath suggested coming with me and doing my 1.5 miles together. I was skeptical because I am sooooo slow but there was also something very nice about not having to do it on my own. So off we went. 0.75 miles one way and then back. I’ve got nothing in the tank on even the slightest incline. It feels like wading through treacle with burning lungs. It’s horrible and hard and just no – but do you know what else it is? -Done. It’s done. I have ticked off all 3 runs this week, I have run the intervals wherever they fell on the hills, I have not opted for flat or downhill only routes and I just have to trust that it will come together eventually. I could run the hills once. That means it’s possible. So it’s time to get good at doing ‘hard’ again. Bring on week 2.
Running isn’t really happening in the way I wanted it to but this weekend was an 11 mile weekend. After what has been a slightly frustrating time that sort of comes as a relief. I have, so far this year, managed just one 5k run that felt good and where I didn’t struggle. Everything else has been shorter and incredibly slow and not exactly comfortable. There was one outing in Birmingham which was fun but not really a run as I mostly walked. As I was out on my run yesterday I thought about what I might blog, if I might blog and what the focus should be. I was thinking lots about my relationship with running at the moment. It’s complicated but maybe a little less complicated after this weekend, maybe.
Remember when 13 minute miles where forever pace? Remember when ‘only’ and ‘5km’ belonged in the same sentence? I have never been fast, ever. But before February 2020 working towards 5k in under 30 minutes wasn’t laughably impossible, running without walking for an hour or more wasn’t some pipe dream and a half marathon wasn’t actually a huge deal. My lungs worked, they got air in. My legs worked well and were strong and my feet held up well. I miss that. I remember at the time I still wanted to be stronger and fitter and faster but I was also happy with what I could do and I was itching to build on it. Instead I am building from what feels like nothing and it is going so so so slowly.
I set off yesterday thinking that I really needed to get in 6 miles if I am going to have any chance of attempting the half marathon on 1st May. I also set off knowing that I probably couldn’t do that. I have dropped my intervals to 30 seconds running and 30 seconds walking (from 1 minute running) and it is still ridiculously hard. The first mile was basically downhill and I still felt pretty much ready to quit. I had no idea of pace but recently I have got really down when seeing how slow I have been going and then I have just given up, so yesterday I deliberately didn’t look at my watch and changed the display so it wouldn’t show pace. As I plodded onto the canal towpath and into my second mile I tried to focus on now.
But now is quite hard. I am not running as consistently as I want to. I should be patient with myself. The world is still in a pandemic, Kath and I are getting used to living in 2 homes and not always the same one at the same time and I have been settling into a new job. Maybe it’s not that surprising that there has been little headspace or energy for running. Now, plodding along at what turned out to be about at 14 and a half minute miles, the whole running thing didn’t really feel doable or that there was much point. But the sun was shining, the birds were singing and in the scheme of things I was actually doing ok. 30 seconds/30 seconds just felt fairly methodical, harder than I thought it should, but ok. I tried really hard not to think about how far I had to go and thought that maybe if I made it to 2.5 miles I could turn and go back the same way and that would take me to 5 miles. But that would be a lot of going uphill. I just kept going and eventually the 3 mile beep came. Not that long after that I saw Kath coming the other way.
She asked if she could join me so we plodded what we call the farm loop together. It worked out well because we were on the loop before I’d remembered that I had thought about turning round at the bridge before. We saw lambs and listened to the birds and before I knew it really I was 4 and then 5 miles in. And then it got tough. My hips were getting sore and my feet were niggling a little bit. But by then we were heading for home and I had vague recollections of that last mile sort of feeling and the ‘only a mile’ sort of sense. So I made it to the finish line bridge we agreed on. 6.65 miles. Then my feet were in absolute agony walking home. As I lay on our living room floor trying to stretch I thought ‘well here we go, running is really not happening’ but as I stretched everything eased, the pain went away and didn’t come back and this morning I actually felt pretty good.
This morning we went to Bolton Abbey to have a little trot out. Same intervals, same slow but hard feel, same gorgeous sun, birdsong and cold air. It was a glorious 3.5 miles and even though it is so frustrating to be 2 minutes a mile slower trying really hard than I was pre February 2020 running easy, I am running. I can still be outside, I can enjoy the sun on my face. I just need to try and re-calibrate. Pre 2020 is no longer a useful benchmark, I need new ones. For today being within ‘Disney Pace’ was useful. That’s 16 minute miles and both weekend runs were early within that. That will have to do as a win, along with being out, seeing lambs and hearing curlews.
It’s a Sunday in December. It feels cold. It has been grey all day and I am not sure it ever really got light. There’s been wet stuff falling from the sky or just hanging in the air and even our youngest two cats don’t want to go outside. It’s the sort of weather that would usually make me pull the duvet over my head and hide, reach for more mince pies and just alternate mugs of coffee, tea, hot chocolate and hot water until it is time for a hot bath a hot water bottle and bed. In short, it’s a West Yorkshire December Sunday.
A run today certainly would have been, erm, let’s say bracing and actually if fitter I might have quite enjoyed a relatively speedy sheep loop followed by a shower and lounging in front of the fire. But I am not fit and speedy isn’t an option at the moment. But just staying in wasn’t an option either because Kath and I are doing the Lakeland Lapland Festive Virtual Ultra. It started on 7pm on the 10th and runs to the 22nd December and in that time we need to cover a total of 234km between us as Team Double Dopey. It works out at 9.75km each every day for 12 days (with the cushion of a 13th day if we need it because of the activity upload window they allow). My plan was always to walk mostly as I really wasn’t sure how I would be doing at this point. The plan was also for Kath to cover most of the distance and me to contribute as much as I can. And that is pretty much how it is working out.
The challenge has been good for getting us out of the house more than we would have otherwise. We started with a walk round the neighbourhood on the 10th, then we had a run each and a joint walk on the 11th and yesterday we both ran and today we walked together. I spent most of yesterday being disappointed with my run and most of today being quite proud of it. I changed the running intervals from 15 seconds to 30 seconds and thought I would run our sheep loop with an added loop we call the farm loop. It goes along the canal but instead of out and back along the canal it loops round some back streets and through a farm yard.
I managed the intervals quite well. I slowed to slower than slow snail’s pace through the muddy bits down the hills and my feet were getting sore because I tense them too much but it was all fine. I stopped at a canal bridge to chat to one of our friends and while there saw Kath coming back from the farm loop. She stopped too, briefly and then I set off again and she came with me to keep me company on the rest of my run. I’d got cold so getting going again took a bit of effort. I didn’t make the farm loop but did a shorter out and back and kept the intervals going until just after 5km. Then I walked the remaining 2km home to make sure I didn’t injure anything that was niggling. I am happy with that – though I wasn’t yesterday – it’s a good run/walk effort and I keep forgetting just how poorly I was and how much better I am doing. Patience…
We finished yesterday on exactly 50km. Today My legs felt tired but mostly my feet were both quite sore. My right calf muscle also felt tight. That and one look at the weather meant I decided I wasn’t going to run today but would get wrapped up for a walk instead. Kath agreed. So we set off in the grey drizzle that, over the course of our nearly 11km, just got worse and worse. We both grumbled a bit about being cold and my feet were a bit tender in sections but it was also really nice to be outside. Towards the end we started talking about having hot chocolate to warm us up when we got in and somehow just that in itself was lovely. The anticipation of hot chocolate and dry socks is something powerful indeed. The last km or so was quite tough. I was tired. Part of me was grumpy about that. I have no business being tired after a 10km walk that wasn’t even marching or striding out but I am trying to be kind. I am still recovering and slowly slowly building fitness. The last bit was also into a headwind that was driving the now quite heavy rain straight into our faces so it wasn’t much fun. But then we were home and quite soon we were warming up from the inside with hot chocolate (80Noir Ultra of course) and our feet were dry and cozy and the daily distance for the Lakeland Lapland ultra were in the bag. And that feels like a good day.
really (not) a runner 