Setting Foundations? Is that the right way to look at what I am doing at the minute? I completed the final run of week 2 of the Couch to 5km programme I am doing. A day late really but it’s a bank holiday so counts as weekend. I did mean to run yesterday but my period was really heavy and I felt crap. Maybe I should have just gone and got it done but I didn’t. I also ran Saturday so maybe it’s ok and a rest day in-between is better anyway.
Saturday I ran to the vet to pick up tablets for our Einstein. We needed to make sure we’d have plenty for when we are away later this week and Kath’s mum is looking after our cats. Running there seemed like a good reason to run and somehow I need a reason other than just running at the moment. Or at least that makes it easier. I can’t say I hugely enjoyed the running but it was fairly uneventful and the distance was about right so it made sense. I found the last running interval really quite hard and I am not sure why. Maybe just because I felt heavy and sluggish anyway.
Today we didn’t get up for our 7am yoga class. When my alarm went off Kath was still asleep. That’s rare. I dozed a while to see if she would wake up and she sort of did but we agreed that actually a slow morning with time spent together over coffee in bed was more important today than yoga at the gym. After breakfast we both pottered a little and Kath’s mum popped in and then it was time to get sorted for out Mind class at the gym. I decided to run down to get that final run of week 2 done and so that I can change the intervals on my watch for week 3 and don’t have to worry about it for the rest of this week. I didn’t bother with the warm up walk and went straight into a 90 second run. Almost all of the running was downhill which I know I need to change but today I used it to just stretch the legs a little more than I have been and go a little faster. Over the distance it doesn’t make much of a difference but I was about a minute a mile faster overall. Again the run was pretty uneventful and again I found the last interval hard.
The Mind class was a bit random. The instructor who taught this one and then one last Thursday is not ideally suited to it. She’s more of a high intensity fitness instructor I think. She’s quite chaotic and overly energiser bunny for this. When she first took the class last week I really thought it was going to be awful but I ended up really enjoying it. Today was the shorter version of the class and it felt a little less calming than it is supposed to but it gave me a useful stretch. Importantly, it also gave me a reason to run because I needed to get there.
I’ve been building my little Lego Disney Castle step by step to represent my progress and the foundations are now done – I don’t think the same can be said for my running foundations. There is work to be done here still but one step at a time!
So, uneventful running really. That’s a good thing. Week 3 looks ok. Running 90 seconds, walking 90 seconds, then running 3 minutes and walking 3 minutes, repeat.
Today I went back to THAT class. I didn’t want to. But I did. We were both tired. Work was busy today and we were both awake really early because there was a very vocal blue tit with a lot to say for itself right outside our window at about 4am. So we nearly talked ourselves and each other out of going to the class. But neither of us wanted a non attendance strike at the gym for not cancelling more than 4 hours before so we put our big girl pants on (in my case literally) and headed for the gym. So the class is supposedly a 20 minute core class. It was again shorter than that. This time we had 4 rounds of 3 minutes. 50 seconds work and 10 seconds rest. 2 rounds of sit ups, leg raises and plank and 2 rounds of leg raises, elbow to knee or bicycle crunches or whatever you want to call it followed by a hollow hold/boat pose.
There were no more instructions, no demo, no information about modifications just lots of bravado and pretend flirting with women old enough to be his mum. But this time I was way more prepared. I was going to speak to the instructor beforehand but I was too tired to deal with him. But I knew how to modify and I knew that I was likely going to get some comments aimed at me. Fine (well not really generally but fine by me today). So round one. Sit ups with 5kg plates which I did without weights much to the instructors dismay. I was right in the middle at the back of the room and where he spent most of his time sort of prancing I was right in his eyeline. We locked eyes a few times and he said nothing. Then leg raises. I did not lower my legs all the way to the floor. Then the plank. Obviously I was supposed to be off my knees and his ‘modification’ for us was to suggest that when it got hard to move from elbow up onto hands. I suspect it has never occurred to him that the limiting factor in a plank might be upper body strength and not actually core strength. Round 2, same thing. Round 3 earned me a ‘make sure those legs go all the way back down to the floor’ on the leg raises which I ignored. Round 4 we locked eyes as I was in a modified boat pose with heels on the floor. He said ‘get those heels off the floor’, I rolled my eyes and mouthed a seven letter response.
My core has had a workout. I pushed myself and I can feel this workout much more than last week’s because I actually did proper exercises I could do properly. And for bonus points, my back doesn’t hurt. Will I go back to that class – only when I can’t go to the morning equivalent which is taught by someone else. Will I talk to the instructor, nope. I don’t think there’s any point. When I am in his class I will just keep annoying him by modifying the exercises where I need to and if he calls me out, I’ll call him out.
I am glad I went because I was ready to curl up on the sofa and eat crap and feel a bit sorry for myself. Instead I feel a bit brighter, have a bit more perspective and instead of half heartedly and tiredly trying to do some work, I have made a list of priorities for tomorrow and have let go of the pressure I was feeling to get shit done. So that’s a positive. I am also quite happy with the consistency of doing something the last few days. After my little run at Burnsall on Saturday I had done my 3 runs for week 1 of the Couch to 5k. I wanted to do something on Sunday because I wasn’t sure how much time I am going to have this week. We woke up early so Kath said we could go to the gym before watching the London Marathon on TV. So I jogged down to the gym and for the first time in ages I ran a continuous mile without walk breaks. I was quite pleased with that. I was also quite pleased with the strength session. No drama, no major self doubt, just sort of getting on with it in my little 80s gym playlist bubble.
Then we got home, had a coffee outside and then settled into watching the London Marathon and I was a blubbering wreck within seconds. Anyway, onwards to week 2 running intervals.
Meh, meh, meh. The strength session yesterday didn’t break anything. I can feel the work but nothing is sore. I am not entirely sure what I have done today. The day just sort of disappeared. I made breakfast and tea and I vacuumed the bedroom. We did a bit more of our current Lego set (Natural History Museum) but otherwise – no idea. Kath went and ran her intervals. I didn’t.
We had the Core class booked at the PureGym this evening. I decided to run down. Well, it seemed the scenario that was mostly likely to result in me actually running today. The run was ok. As it was my means of getting to where I needed to be I gave it very little thought. I had my Couch to 5km intervals set on my watch and sort of vaguely ran in line with them. The route to the gym is mostly downhill so I ran a little more than the plan suggests. So that’s the run done.
The Core class is usually 20 minutes and I have actually sort of enjoyed it the couple of previous times – there is a lot I can’t fully do like planks and side planks but there’s always an option to modify and do planks for the knees or whatever. Today we did 3 rounds of 4 minutes. Starting with 15 sit ups, then 15 leg raises and then 15 in and outs and then the remainder of the time in plank. I have no issue with the idea of the workout although it does rather encourage rushing through rather than focusing on good form. However, there was no information about any sort of modifications and in fact several reminders to lower the legs all the way back down to the mat before raising them again for the leg raises. My core is not strong enough, so I arch my back and before we know it I am getting almost no benefit in my core but my back hurts. I wasn’t sure how best to modify other than to not lower the legs as far which had already been commented on so I ended up just not really doing it. I have since looked it up and there are several variations that I can try next time. As for the in and outs – I rushed through them with poor form. I have looked up a modification for them too.
The problem is, I am not sure I will want to modify in a class like that if it will basically be called out. The vibe in the room was a sort of weird competitive one, a fast paced, keep up if you’re hard enough kind of feel. A very difficult atmosphere to be kind to yourself in and to do what you can on the day properly. I can do the sit ups – at least in the first round. I can do one or two full leg raises but would then like to modify or just not lower as far to build the core strength without hurting my back. I’d like to be able to slow down the ins and outs and maybe heeltap rather than hover the feet for the duration. I don’t want comments about ‘lowering legs all the way to the ground’ when I have just stopped doing that because my back is killing and I know it’s nonsense. Or comments like ‘lift your knees off the ground in plank’ when I have just held a full plank for a minute and have dropped to my knees because my form has gone. So yeah, I felt judged and not all of it was in my head today.
So the answer is of course obvious – don’t go to that class. But that misses the point. I don’t actually want to go to any class. I am not choosing my classes by ‘want’ here. But, as everything I have written above should make abundantly clear, I need to build core strength. I don’t have any. It’s never been strong but now there is just nothing and that is problematic on so many levels. A Core class should help me work on that. The class should not assume I already have a strong core. And the previous iterations of the class have been better. I have struggled in some of them too and the instructors have not always been great at giving modifications but when they have seen me modify, they have often remembered and let the class know the options or on one occasion an instructor came over to correct me and I confirmed that the move hurt my back and he told me to keep doing the modification and that was fine. Anyway, I’ll go back but I know it will be even harder to walk into that class next time than it was toady. I feel a bit defeated before I even start. I need to shift from thinking ‘how much will I not be able to do in this class’ to something more positive.
And reading this back I get how this sounds so entitled and self absorbed – it’s all a bit ‘make the class all about me and focused on me and my level and my issues’…I can see why your answer might be ‘shut up, get over yourself and get a PT’. It’s an option but I would give myself about 15 minutes before the urge to punch a PT would become overwhelming. And it’s also not really what I mean. I don’t believe I was the only person struggling. I don’t believe I was the only one whose back was hurting and I know I wasn’t the only one whose form had gone to the point that there really was no point. By just outlining different options at the start of the class, that could be avoided. Everyone could work at their level without feeling weird or awkward and everyone could have a hard for them, positive but challenging Core class. It’s not really about me, it’s about everyone.
If you are looking for some inspirational reframing following yesterday’s post – you know the sort of ‘it was all terrible but actually good because this good thing happened and personal growth… positivity… gratitude… #blessed…-then stop reading now. You’re not getting that. The picture at the top is me dripping in sarcasm and rolling my eyes. Stronger than Yesterday is nonsense. The whole beating yesterday thing that pops up every now and again and was a staple of fitness industry advertising a while ago (not sure if it still is, I pay no attention), the idea that every time you go out and exercise, the session has to be better is nonsense. Better than what on what basis? Why? Anyway, inspirational quotes and memes are clearly wasted on me at the moment. What did stick with me from ages ago though is an idea I heard somewhere. It was from a famous runner. I want to say Eliud Kipchoge but that may well not be true. I have googled but it didn’t come up immediately and I don’t have the patience. Anyway, it was something along the lines of training runs not having to be pretty, not having to be better than the last one, not having to be happy or easy or whatever, they just have to be done.
Just having to be done reminded me of something I say to students when they are scared of assessments – do it scared, … but it needs to be done. If they want the thing at the end – the degree- then they need to do it. If I want to be able to have adventures, see the world, get outdoors, keep playing, I need to start getting this done. So I’ll do the gym miserable and grumpy and feeling judged today. This is me, taking up space (I hate the pictures btw but keeping it real) in a space that I feel totally conflicted in. I know what I am doing but it feels like everyone there assumes I do not (nobody assumes anything, they don’t care, this is all me). I feel invisible and hyper visible at the same time. I hate the mirrors but the mirrors also confirm that my form is good and I do in fact know what I am doing.
So, yeah, I went. Getting out was tough but once in the gym I turned my music up loud and disappeared into my bubble. I have my little leg routine, I did it mostly without thinking about it. So as I am feeling judged by numbers anyway, I will tell you what my weights circuit was this morning. This is just me, trying to take the power out of the numbers. I did 3 sets of everything
Leg Press: 52kg x 8
Leg Extension 25kg but niggled knee so dropped to 18kg x 8
Leg Curl 23kg x8
Adductor 29kg x 8
Adductor 50kg x 8
Calf Raise (single leg) 11kg x 8 (to go up next time)
Deadlift 17.5kg bar x 8 (to go up next time)
Glute bridge with 5kg weight
Did I have fun? Nope. Did I enjoy it in any way? Nope. Did I enjoy having done it? Still nope. But it doesn’t matter. It’s done. I did it fucking grumpy and quite a bit miserable but I’m ok. Nobody laughed (obviously), the numbers didn’t gang up on me, nothing earth shattering happened. Fat lass went to the gym, did a workout and left. End.
Kath also took my lego castle apart for me and I have bagged all the pieces and started to build the foundation for my magic. Still haven’t found the box and instructions but that doesn’t actually matter. So there you are, the castle is in bits, a bit like my fitness journey, waiting to be put back together again, section by section. This may take a while:
So if you are looking for motivation or inspiration (why are you still reading this?) then take this: Whatever the ‘it’ is for you right now. Just get it done. Do it tired, do it stressed, do it sad, angry, miserable. Doesn’t matter. It might not change your life but if it needs doing then do it however you feel. I did the gym miserable. I am still miserable about exercise but there is the tiniest possibility that I might actually be very very slightly stronger than yesterday – hm.
Ah right, where are we. It’s the end-ish of April. It’s well over a months since I last posted. I wrote the last post while we were away and I was all set for starting week 2 of couch to 5km. Then I got food poisoning or a nasty tummy bug and wiped myself out for a week. Eventually I started back on the bike, the new gym opened and I went to some classes and did a couple of strength sessions and I have done the odd yoga flow and workout at home. I even went for a run while at a conference in Glasgow. But nothing is quite clicking.
After attending the yoga class at the gym for the first time I wrote the following LinkedIn post. Since then I have been wondering if maybe I need to call out my own BS. Am I fitter than I look? The bit that I think is true is that I do indeed have a lot of experience. However, having spent chunks of time in the gym where there are mirrors everywhere, having been in several classes where I have struggled with some bits and having tried to go back to basics with running and with the bike, I am not so sure I am actually fitter than I look. And I don’t look fit.
I have noticed that the more time I have spent in the gym the less I feel like I belong there. The more classes I have been too, the less confident I am in taking up space in them, the more I go out and try and tick off the couch to 5km runs, the less I feel like a runner and as for the bike, well I never really believed that was for me. I was asked recently if I enjoyed the gym and the classes. My answer was that I am not that keen but that I do it because it makes me a better runner or even just allows me to run without getting injured. I want that to be true but it assumes I am currently running. In truth, I am not enjoying any of it. It’s miserable. All of it is unreasonably hard. I am stiff and creaky, weak, inflexible, have nothing on cardio and not even the willpower the swear mostly. This morning I did a 20 minute Joe Wicks strength workout, and by did I mean I tried but I modified every other exercise and for one I just quietly sobbed in something vaguely resembling child’s pose which I can’t properly get into because by tummy gets in the way and my hips won’t flex.
None of the tricks are working. I can’t motivate myself because I am struggling to trick my brain into getting it done. I know exercise is awful when you first start, when you have to claw yourself back to fitness. I feel like I have been clawing my way back since the first Covid infection in 2020. I feel like every time I make a tiny bit of progress, something happens. I feel like I haven’t had the chance to string any sort of consistency together. For the last few years I have never got beyond the ‘this is awful’ phase of exercise. I haven’t had the wins. I haven’t had the things that make it worth it. I haven’t been able to claim ‘strong not skinny’ for myself, I haven’t been able to focus on what my body can do rather than what it looks like because it can do so little at the moment. I haven’t even been able to say ‘This Girl Can’ because this girl can’t. And most of the time I was fine with that. I was fine with starting over over and over again, with making minimal progress, getting derailed and then going again. But now? I don’t know what has shifted. Maybe it’s the mirrors all over the gym, maybe it’s the lack of modifications given in most gym classes, maybe it is the constant ‘how to lose weight in your 40s’ advertising that hits my social media feeds, I don’t know. But for the first time in well over a decade I suddenly care that I am fat. It doesn’t feel like just a descriptor in the way that it has done for so long. I have forgotten that I don’t care what people think and suddenly found myself worrying about that. I have forgotten that it has never been about size and weight and have suddenly become concerned about both of those numbers, I have forgotten they are just numbers to which we have arbitrarily assigned value. I feel judged by the numbers. I have forgotten running, exercise, movement is about me and for me and not about anyone else or expectations or conforming to some weird normative bullshit about what my body looks like or can do. It’s swirling into one rather body conscious mess that makes getting out there doing the things that will help bring clarity and balance harder.
So today I wanted to start getting my head sorted but most things at the minute just feel like pressure. I could make a plan – what exercise do I want to do when. And I can do this well, my plans are good and sensible. I have been around this stuff for long enough to have a sense of what works and what is realistic. I could do a really ambitious but doable plan and I could also do a really gentle be kind to yourself through this wobble plan but just the idea of having a plan of any kind just made me convince myself that I would probably just disappoint myself. I thought I could use stickers again and give myself a sticker for every day where I manage to run, cycle or go to the gym – the stickers used to work well but now it just feels like it risks having to look at days and days without stickers when I inevitably don’t manage it. My self talk about just trying to do something was annoying and a bit preachy and anything inspirational that might have made me snap out of it was just not for me…
A week or so ago Kath told me about a conversation with her coach about visual representation of runs or mileage or whatever. And Kath has decided to use Lego – so no colouring in for miles run or workouts completed but instead Kath is, over time, going to build the house from Disney’s ‘Up’. I like this. Stickers on a calendar leave gaps, building something with lego doesn’t leave gaps, the progress and effort made are visible and remain for you to add to even if you miss some time. So I want to build my mini Disney Castle. I decided today that for every day where I manage to go out there and take up space in the fitness and exercise world, run, go to a class or the gym, cycle, whatever, I build. Brick by brick. I almost felt positive about it and thought that this long weekend I could literally lay the foundations for my own little castle of magic and dreams. But I can’t find the box. The castle is built on a shelf in my study. But the box and instructions? We have now searched the house from loft to every cupboard in the house. Can’t find it. Now I know I can download the instructions and I can keep the pieces in ziplock bags. It’s not actually a huge deal. But it felt like it. It felt like the universe saying ‘That castle of magic and dreams – yeah not for you’.
And while I am typing this, my lower back niggles, my bra is digging in, my right foot hurts for no reason and I know that I need to and want to snap out of it and get back to getting better at doing hard. I can do hard. Hell, I can do the impossible. It’s fun to do the impossible, or it used to be. Trusting the process, being patient and just trying to do something, trying to be kind and trying to call myself out when I am just being lazy is hard. I am ok doing hard. I don’t expect easy, it can be impossible for all I care. I will do it anyway, but what I can’t seem to do right now, is deal with feeling judged and like my value is somehow attached to numbers – numbers of the scales, on the clothes labels, on my Garmin or on the weights I am using at the gym. And the most annoying thing about this is – I am pretty sure most people are not judging. It’s all in my head and I don’t know why.
So we go again tomorrow. I want to do a strength session at the gym. I will take up space. I will do my thing. The numbers will be what the numbers will be. Maybe little by little my perspective will shift again. Trust the process, remember it’s for me, it’s about me and me needs to get out of my head.
really (not) a runner 