Tag: London Marathon ballot

London Marathon – Ballot entry But Why

Jess GuthLeave a comment

It’s that time of year again – London Marathon Ballot time. I have entered. Of course I have entered. It’s almost a ritual now and of course I won’t get in because most people don’t get in most years. But what if I did? I’ve been thinking about that because, as I may have mentioned, I really did not like my 2019 London Marathon. I have said several times that, unpopular as that opinion may be, I don’t actually like the London Marathon. And yet… So I have been thinking about that. Because if I really didn’t want to have another go, then why enter the ballot – just makes it even harder for people who actually do want to run it to get a spot. But there is part of me that does want to run it. There is a part of me that wants to go back and put the demons of 2019 to bed. And I don’t mean that I need to be faster than 2019 or anything like that. It’s more that I would like the race to leave me with more positive memories. Because memory of races is funny isn’t it. What I remember from the 2019 London Marathon is not that the first few miles were pretty good or that I got to 11 miles without any issues and feeling pretty solid and that I had my shit together. What I remember is missing Kath, slipping on Lucazade and hurtling to the ground, the pain in my hip and moving forward to the finish just because that was the only thing I could logistically think of to do.

So let’s stop there a second… I had my shit together, I was running well, I stopped for a pee and lost a lot of time and from there on in struggled to get my head right again. I fell, I was in pain and yet, I went on to finish. I look at that now and can’t really quite believe that was me. I can now step back and admire the strength. It didn’t feel like strength at the time but it was. Re-reading the blogs from the 2019 marathon still makes me emotional. I wrote that all the way round I wasn’t sure I wanted it enough and also that I was probably done with marathons. I think that was absolutely true and how I felt at the time but things have shifted. The world has changed and I have changed and I think I’m beginning to see more and more clearly what running far gives me that nothing else quite can. I miss the clarity of thought that comes with it. I miss the feeling of being able to do it. I miss the confidence in what my body can do, what my mind can do, what I can do. I am back where I started when we trained for our first Dopey – I want to do a marathon because I don’t believe I can. I want it because it’s impossible. I want it for me because people like me don’t run marathons.

And London, why London. I could pick any marathon. Well, that 15 mile marker and I have unfinished business, I still haven’t run across Tower Bridge or along the Embankment and I want to. As much as what I wrote in 2019 resonates, I also want to believe in the power and magic of one of the most iconic marathons in the world. If I do get another chance at running it, maybe my first one in 2016 can be my London Overwhelmed, my second one in 2019 can be my London Grumpy and my third could be London Happy. I’m back running now, taking baby steps, building slowly and stretching and doing strength. I could get physically ready over the next 12 months and I am absolutely mental enough to do the impossible.

London Marathon and being sensible

Jess Guth7 Comments

So, Sod has been at work implementing her laws again. Yep, I got a place in the London Marathon. Back in May I entered the ballot having got caught up in the excitement and just wanting to be part of the whole London Marathon cycle. Goodness knows why. I am actually far from convinced that I want to run another marathon. So of course I got a place. Sod’s law. If I actually really really wanted a place I’d never get one! We’re still waiting for Kath to get her notification.

I giggled and swore at the same time when I opened my magazine. A wave of excitement washed over me quickly followed by the terror inducing realisation of what ‘You’re in’ actually means. I wanted to do it. Or rather I wanted to be able to do it. I really did. Kath’s immediate reaction was: Defer. I think I shot her a look. ‘Don’t wanna!’ was my (silent) reaction to that. I have a place, I bloody well want to run in 2018. It would just be awesome… ….. …. …. …. (no it wouldn’t)

Through the rest of the afternoon little doubts crept in:

  •  April 2018 isn’t that far off. 7 months to get from where I am to marathon level. Hm, tough.
  • Winter  marathon training – urgh. I’ve already committed to doing this 2018/19, do I really want to add another winter of long miles?
  • I have a plan, one that challenges me but one that I am comfortable with, one that’s doable. I’d have to re-think all of that and add a considerable amount of training
  • I don’t want to just drag my butt round. I’ve done that. I want to give it a really positive go. I know a marathon for me is always going to be on the limit and there will be pain and it will be awful and almost impossible in places but I’d like fewer of those places and for the pain to set in a little later
  • I struggle with the pressure of training and having to do something. I can do this but I think I need a more gentle run in and more time to get my head into this – this is mental more than it is physical
  • I have a few little niggles that pop up when I increase distance or intensity and they need sorting (it’s a fairly easy case of doing the strength exercises – easy but also easy to ‘forget’ or not bother) – working on that would massively help
  • If I can get fitter and a little faster over the next year marathon training won’t be quite as hard because I won’t be out for quite as long on long run days
  • I run because I want to and because I want to enjoy it – getting ready for London 2018 doesn’t sound like fun, it sounds like pressure. Getting ready for 2019 sounds like fun (and not just because it is a long way away but because I can see a training schedule that starts now, with my current plan, and builds, with plenty of downtime, recovery and rest to a positive 26.2).
  • And here’s the clincher. I honestly honestly do not know if I have another 2 marathons in me. It’s hard to explain what they take out of me. It’s an emotional roller coaster, it’s lost weekends, it’s discipline and digging deep and facing every bloody fear over and over again and dealing with every emotion. It’s battling being the fat kid always picked last in PE, always coming last on the school track, never making it to the end of the cross country run… every single run becomes that battle, the battle to prove that I can do it while not really believing that I can. I have crossed two marathon finish lines but I don’t believe I can do it. Asking myself to do this two more times is a lot to ask of myself. I really want to do Dopey 2019. That’s the goal, the main aim, my ‘must do’ event. I don’t really see that as ‘a marathon’, I see it as the whole thing and somehow that’s different but it does of course mean doing a marathon. I am scared that doing London 2018 would break me (mentally more than physically) and that I wouldn’t be able to get back in the game for Dopey. If I can do Dopey in January 2019, I can recover fully and then build again for London. I can see how that would work and if it turns out that Dopey is the last marathon I have in me, then so be it. That one means more to me than London.

So, there you are. I’ll withdraw from London 2018 and take my place at the start line in 2019. I’m quite settled in that decision now and I’ve had a couple of little run outs to think about it. In fact I’ve run/walked a total of 17.68 miles in the first 3 days of October – that’s more than in all of February. I’m sure come  next April I will feel a few pangs of disappointment that I’m not there. A few ‘what ifs’ will go through my head, particularly if my training has gone to plan but I know it’s the right call. Just waiting for Kath’s Yes or more likely No now!

Might have entered the ballot

Jess Guth2 Comments

So. Right. This just happened:

Screenshot 2017-05-01 09.07.24

It doesn’t actually matter. I mean the chances of actually getting a place are negligible so nothing changes. If I don’t get in I certainly won’t be disappointed but actually the possibility of getting in is sort of exciting. It would be sort of cool to have another shot at this. Clearly I have lost my mind and forgotten just how horrible it was but not to worry, it’s a ballot with very few places so I’ll just keep going about my business as if I hadn’t just entered it and what will be will be.

Running is a funny business. It really is. I’m off to run 5 miles on the trails now. Happy Monday.