Tag: runDisney

Black dogs, running and the kindness of strangers

Jess Guth3 Comments

My black puppy can drive and it has just run me over with a truck. It’s sitting there all smug looking down on me ‘ha, you thought you were ok, didn’t you? You thought you were back on track and coping, didn’t you? You actually thought you were in control and slowly moving in the right direction, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Wrong!’ Depression’s a bitch – a small, black, fat labrador bitch in my case. At least the pup is female today, I’m not sure it always is – she’s got that icey voice, like fingernails on a chalkboard. She got me.

Yesterday was awful. I sat on the sofa for hours staring at my computer screen with tears streaming down my face. No real reason. I felt like I physically couldn’t move off the sofa, like there was an invisible cage holding me there. I tried to cheer myself up by looking at stuff for our January holiday, mapping out Disney itineraries and looking at the runDisney site to try and get excited about our adventure. I just cried more. Kath dragged me out to go see our sheep. I walked the mile there and the mile back putting one foot in front of the other. I watched our sheep, I smiled, I giggled at the ewe lambs getting all tangled trying to get to the  food but I didn’t really feel like I was there.

I went to bed, I slept a bit, I was awake a lot and then I couldn’t get up. I did eventually and sat on the sofa with my laptop. The f-ing bitch got me good and proper this time. I realised I was crying again. I opened my emails and closed them again – couldn’t face them. I opened the virtual learning environment to provide feedback on some work for my students – I stared at a few submissions but didn’t know what to say. My thoughts turned to running. ‘I could go for a run, that might help me feel better’ I thought. ‘hahahaha – funny. You CAN’T run’ came the instant reply from the puppy. I brought up the runDisney site and started searching for information on how to pull out of the race. ‘Good Girl!’ said the pup ‘Best not embarrass yourself’.

I sat for a bit and then did two things I didn’t think I’d do – I agreed to speak to a doctor. The last time I spoke to a doctor about mental health issues, the issue of exercise was raised and I mentioned running (this must have been not long after my friend Rachel died and we had started training for our first half marathon in 2012) I was told that I was far too heavy for running. That message has been repeated by every doctor I have seen since.They all say lose weight first. Anyway, I have an appointment for Monday. The second thing I did was post on a closed Facebook Group geared towards the Walt Disney World Marathon weekend training. I joined the group a while ago and I have found it really helpful to connect with others going through similar training programmes and having the same goals in mind. I suddenly thought that as I cannot expect much support for my running from the docs on Monday, other people in that group might have some suggestions as to how to put the puppy back in its place. I thought they might help me run through this episode of depression, they might keep me going and help me get to the start line. They might help me not quit.

I wasn’t expecting much but within minutes I had several wonderful responses, all of them telling me not to give up and all of them telling me to find another, more supportive doctor (I’d love to but they don’t seem to exist round here – is it NHS policy that anyone slightly overweight is told not to run anything above 5km?) and all of them telling me I can do this thing. The responses keep coming and they are all wonderful and it is hard to explain just how much they help. One person said she wished she could pick me up off the sofa and take me on the run she was about to start  – such a lovely gesture; another reminded me of the value of small goals and those two together made something click: I had already achieved goal one – get out of bed. Go me! Goal 2 was also within reach – goal 2 was just to get dressed in my running gear. I did that too. Then I faltered a little and went back to the sofa.

Kath was coming up to her lunch break so I told her I wanted to run. She had suggested that earlier but I’d just shaken my head and cried. We had agreed we would try and go see our sheep during her lunch break. I WANTED TO RUN. I just needed help actually leaving the house. We walked to the sheep. It didn’t feel like a fast walk, it was steady and it was roughly 17 minutes per mile I think so we probably could walk at 16 minutes which is runDisney minimum pace. I didn’t want the pressure of the garmin, I just wanted to be, so we just took my little stopwatch to have an idea of time generally. We stopped at the sheep and fed them all. All in all that took 27 minutes. Then we set off on our run. We usually run/walk following Galloway and have been doing 2 mins runs with 30 sec walks quite successfully for a bit recently. Today though we were just going to run/walk by feel. Once I got going I didn’t want to walk. Well I did, but not. The effort sort of felt real. It felt good to be running continuously at a pace that wasn’t fast but was just fast enough to make it feel hard, to make me wonder if I could sustain it for much longer, to make me focus on sustaining it and keeping going. We ran our loop without walking in 31 minutes 10 seconds and for that 31 minutes 10 seconds the fog in my brain lifted a bit. I felt a bit more like me. It took another 15 minutes to walk home (uphill) so we were actally out for nearly an hour 15 minutes.

I want to say thank you to all those people who took the time to post in response to my plea for help in the facebook group. It was the early posts that helped me make it out the door today and all the posts are amazing and supportive.I don’t know these people but we are all working towards the same challenge. There is a real sense of community there somehow that I wasn’t really expecting. I’m part of something and somehow, for my addled brain that is really important right now. We all have the same ultimate aim – crossing the marathon finish line vaguely in one piece on the 10th January 2016. We all have our demons, battles or puppies to contend with along the way and we will all help each other, through the next few weeks and during the challenge.

So yes, I am struggling, really struggling but I had a choice today – I could have done what I usually do, taken a deep breath, plastered a smile on my face and got on with the job by hiding under the duvet while insisting that I am fine or I could have asked for help to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I chose the latter. I may be suffering from a particularly nasty round of depression but I am determined to run through it and that determination comes from the kindness shown by a group of people who know nothing about me other than that I will run Disney in January and that I will cross the finish line

Thank you

Regaining perspective

Jess Guth1 Comment

I feel ok today. I completed a 12 mile walk/run yesterday and I feel ok today. That, I have decided, is a huge success. I slept pretty well although I started getting restless about 4.30am I think, probably not helped by the cats. I don’t really have any pain anywhere. My legs feel fine – just a little tired maybe. It’s all good.

We fly out to Florida 9 weeks tomorrow. We arrive Tuesday evening and the marathon is on Sunday. We’ll head for the expo and pick up our packs on Wednesday and we have a few days to adjust sleep patterns and food etc before the marathon day. It also means that there are only 7 more weeks of long runs before we taper off to rest before the big event. However much I might hate every long run – and I am not entirely convinced that I will hate them all, I can do another 7 weeks of this.

So I learned some things yesterday.

  1. I am not mentally anywhere near as strong as I need to be. The minute it gets really tough I forget to count, I forget my mantras, I get negative. I am going to practice  on the short runs during the week. Maybe by extending the time I run before taking a walk break or maybe by pushing the pace a little and seeing if I can maintain it… Yes I know I need to be careful not to push too much and risk injury. I know.
  2. I am extremely lucky that I don’t get blisters easily. My feet are in pretty good shape and any blisters I have had have been minor. The more I talk to runners the more I realise that I am increadibly lucky. Poor Kath’s feet are in bits.
  3. Chafing is a thing, and a painful one at that. I have to be honest here. I hadn’t, naively perhaps, given chafing much thought. Well I am giving it plenty of thought today. I will spare you details but let’s just say it took me a while to find underwear that didn’t cause intense pain this morning. I think this means I need to be even more careful about what underwear to run in and vaseline may be my new best friend. My bra was ok yesterday but I am beginning to see how this is an issue I am going to have to think about. Oh joy.
  4. Roast chicken with mashed potato and celeriac, turnip, cauliflower, broccoli and carrot is an excelleRunning T-shirtnt post run meal.

To help get back to a happy place yesterday I put my favourite running T-shirt on (here it is). Then I started looking at running routes for our next long run which will be in Hamburg next weekend. We are going over for my Dad’s birthday. We go on Friday evening and come back Monday morning. The plan is to do a gentle 6 mile run/walk on Friday and then a 15 mile run on Saturday. I think I’ve found a route that means we don’t need public transport and can walk 5 minutes or so as a warm up and cool down at either end. I’ll share the route once we’ve run it (I’ll stop for a photo or two!)

Yesterday was also incredibly good for my fitbit stats. I’ve had one for a couple of weeks. I won’t bore you with details but I don’t move much unless I run it seems. On days where I don’t run I often struggle to hit the recommended 10000 steps – I tend to get around 8000 ish. When we run our short loop I get the 10000 but yesterday, with a bit of pacing round the house just before bed I got over 30000 steps. I got quite excited about that. I’ll write about the fitbit some other time but it does work to make me move a bit more. I find myself wanting to hit the 10000 target and I am also more conscious of spending long spells sitting at my desk or on the sofa so at work in particular it makes me get up and walk about and stretch more.

Anyway, 45 minute run scheduled for the morning before work. I hope it’s not quite as foggy as it has been today.

Some ideas for a races bucket list

Jess Guth1 Comment

I was really hoping to be back at work today. I had a day of meetings and committees all of which are important and I have a writing deadline on Friday. However, my balance is off completely. Earache has thrown everything out and I find it quite hard to navigate through an open door. I also only have about 30-45 seconds between coughing fits whenever I try to speak, a brain like cotton wool and aches everywhere. I’m bored though which is probably a good sign as it means I am getting better.  I have tried to do some work and keep working on the book chapter that is due but I just can’t concentrate on anything that actually requires brain power.

I am also getting a little anxious about the Scarborough 10km run now. I was feeling quite confident about being able to do it and run it in a reasonable time and enjoy it too. I am less sure now. I have a few days yet so we will see.

I have been catching up on reading blogs and enjoyed BritsRunDisney‘s Bucket List of races. I thought I might make my own little list. As I started thinking and looking online I realised that I am thinking far more about places I like which means I am quite probably missing some just because they are in places I haven’t been yet! Anyway, here are some of the races I fancy doing – not all in one year obviously and some of them are pipe dreams given the cut off times, the locations and the time of year…

Hamburg Marathon – This sort of feels like my home city marathon and therefore should be done if I am going to be crazy enough to attempt that distance again! It would be nice to run in places I recognise and to have some of those childhood memories to keep me going. In 2016 it falls on my grandad’s birthday but it also bang in the middle of lambing time for us so that’s not going to work

Berlin Marathon – I think I would love this. It’s got to be a pretty flat course, I don’t remember any hills in Berlin and at every turn there will be history to look at and think about. It also holds memories of a couple of good trips and it always has an energetic and fun atmosphere.

London Marathon – well who doesn’t, secretly at least, want to run this one?

Great North Run – Another iconic UK race and one that I have always had a soft spot for. I have watched it on tv over the years and always been in awe of the runners. I always watched it with completely detachment – that was never going to be me (although I sometimes wishes it could be) until this year where I suddenly felt such an urge to be part of it and be there. So maybe I’ll get to do it before I am 40. That would be cool.

Starwars the Dark Side at Disney World – There is something special about Disney and I will probably want to go do the Disney World Marathon again once the pain wears off! However, there are other race weekends which look a lot of fun. I like the look of the Starwars events both at Disney World and Disney Land and maybe even something like the challenge of 10km plus half marathon… ok I clearly have the flu!

Toronto (Half) Marathon – I love Toronto. I don’t know what it is about the city but if I need to be in a city then Toronto is up there on the list of cities I can cope with. So for that reason and because the course is desribed as downhill… However that comes with a downside – the website suggests a 12 minute mile minimum pace or you may be asked to move off the road. That’s too much pressure for me! I may have to see how this running journey goes before committing to that kind of pace! The half marathin may however be more realistic

Hadrian’s Wall Half Marathon – This does not sound easy but it sounds like it would be a gorgeous route. I like the idea of running off road rather than just on the road and this race seems to give you that without being a very scary actual trail race. While I’d like to run more in the wild I am also acutely aware that I am not fit enough – it’s a whole different game that! I’ll keep practicing on my own but not in a race just yet. This though looks amazing and doable. Just look at the pictures from the course!

There are then loads of more local 5km and 10km runs which I’d like to try – local inevitably means hilly though! So another day of more thinking about running than actually moving (never mind running!)

Woman Down

Jess Guth3 Comments

Kath has hurt her knee. We don’t know when or how exactly. The 11 miler was fine and running the 2.5 miles yesterday she was fine too – a little achey as we walked back home up the hill. It got worse during the day. This morning she couldn’t put weight on it at all. The poor thing is in agony. The doctor was useless. She got a telephone appointment and was told to keep icing the knee, keep the leg elevated, use ibuprofen gel (she can’t take the tablets, they give her ulcers) and wait a few days. If there is no improvement in a few days she is to ring them back for further advice. She has made an appointment with her osteopath for this afternoon.

I should probably wait to blog until we know what’s what but it is on my mind and I am not concentrating properly and thus not getting anything done. I thought getting it off my chest might help with that! So I realise that this is totally selfish, self- centred and just a little bit out of line but I’m back to that honesty thing again: I am scared. Obviously I am worried about Kath’s knee and it is awful to see her in pain and to see her frustration at not being able to do anything. Empathy, worry, concern…all those emtions are there. And then there is also just being scared. Chances of Kath running again before the Nottingham Half Marathon are, I would think, zero. Hell, chances of her running the Nottingham Half Marathon are pretty slim looking at her hop her way through the house. So best case – Kath rests her knee and is ok to run in 2 week’s time. That means I have at least 5 runs to complete ON MY OWN. I have never ever ever run anywhere for any length of time on my own. The idea fills me with horror. I don’t have the self-discipline to do that. I’ll never make it through 3 minutes of running, never mind a full 45 minute loop.

Worst case? I feel quite sick thinking about this. Worst case, Kath is out for a while and not back for the Nottingham run. I need to keep training – Kath is fitter than I am by loads so she’ll catch up. I can’t stop. That means I need to run 13 miles in 2 weeks whatever happens. I will have to run Nottingham by myself. Just me. I may have to run the Scarborough 10km by myself. Just me. I may have to ramp up the mileage to 15, 17, even 19 miles by myself. Just me. Oh hell

Ok let’s try and be positive here. Kath is pretty fit, she doesn’t have underlying knee issues and hasn’t had problems before. She didn’t feel anything tear or pop, she’s had ice on it and has looked after it well since it got bad. She has an excellent osteopath. Surely nearly two weeks’ rest should do it and we can carefully potter our way round the half marathon and then kick on from there. I want to do this together and not just because I’m not sure I can do it on my own but because this is our thing, our challenge, something we said we’d do together. Kath has always promised she’d never leave me behind and she always crosses the finish line right next to me although she could clearly outrun me in every finish – she could just leave me for dust. We are going to cross the RunDisney WDW marathon finish line together but if she is going to be out for a while that means that I have to keep going on my own. Kath might be able to deal with several weeks of not training and I don’t think it will have an impact on her ability to finish a marathon at my pace. If I stop and wait for her to come back I will be too far behind schedule and risk not being able to make it round at all. So for us to do this together I have to keep going on my own.

Just me.

A steady 2.5 miles

Jess Guth1 Comment

Just a quick one. Our schedule is a bit to pot because of my melt down and then having to get back to the 11 miles but we are trying to catch up -you know me and gaps on the training schedule. So we headed out for a short loop. The schedule said three miles but I’ve been getting a bit obsessive about schedules and it was just about going for a short little jog today to see if the legs would move after 11 miles  on Friday so we just did a simple loop from our house – no doubling back on the canal or anything like that. 2.58 miles with a pace of 12.34 minutes per mile. Everything works, nothing hurt. Calf muscle and right hamstring are tight but ok. I didn’t feel great getting up, I feel better now I have run.

It’s Sunday so it’s weigh-in day. I seem to have stayed exactly the same which is fine. Judging by my clothes I suspect it is one of those funny weeks were my clothes feel big but the weight hasn’t shifted. I’ve just moved my belt on another notch. They weight may come off next week.

It’s also Great North Run day. I’ve got it on the telly now. I think maybe one day I’d like to do that run. Maybe that’s something to aim for to make sure we keep running after the RunDisney event. For a start it’s a half marathon and half is beginning to feel slightly less insane in my head. It is beginning to feel doable (just as well really – 2 weeks today I’ll have to do it in Nottingham!) Anyway, watching all those people slowly setting off is sort of emotional but how I think about it is changing and I’ve just realised something – I want to be there, I want to be part of it. Wow.

Good luck everyone – it’s just one foot in front of the other!