Review: There is No Wall

December 24, 2024 Jess GuthLeave a comment

I logged off from work for the year on Friday, spent Saturday in the kitchen baking and cooking and cleaning which was a great brain re-set and then spent Sunday not doing much at all really. Kath was still working yesterday but we did the Christmas food shop early and then I curled up on the sofa to finally finish reading Allie Bailey’s There is no Wall. I started this a while ago after we listened to Allie talk at the Ilkley Literature Festival and then bought the book. Kath read it first and then I started it. Then I got busy at work again and as so often happens, just didn’t read for pleasure. I picked the book up again last night and went back a bit.

The book is phenomenal. It made me laugh, it made me cry quite a lot, it made me breathe deeply, be thankful for what I have and at the same time ask questions of myself that are not entirely comfortable. The book is and isn’t about running. It’s a lovely and at times brutally real antidote to the social media and new year new you nonsense. It’s about mental health, addiction, faking it, asking for help and accepting it and, to me anyway, it’s about finding your values and recognising them as fundamental to everything really. I love the honesty in the writing. I love that the swearing isn’t edited out, that the tone of the book isn’t polished into a beautiful narrative that sort of glosses over how dark Allie’s story really is. The writing is good, really good but it’s gritty and real.

I will need more time to really reflect on the book but there are a couple of things that really stand out to me

The stories we tell ourselves. Allie notes that that the stories we believe are the ones we tell ourselves (or are told) most often but reminds us that we have a choice what thoughts and stories we believe. We have a choice. That’s really fucking powerful.
External validation doesn’t get us very far. Our self-worth has to come from us, not from what we think others think of us
Values are key to EVERYTHING
There is a big knowing-doing gap. I had never thought about it as a knowing-doing gap before (I am probably late to the party here as always as apparently this is a pretty well known idea – it just wasn’t to me) but it is such an obvious way of describing it and applies to me all the time! As Allie notes, it’s really hard to bridge that gap and not just shout back as you fall further down the huge crevice the gap can create

I am feeling the knowing-doing gap particularly keenly at the moment. I know consistency is key to almost everything. I know good fuelling is key to being healthy, I know stretching and strength work are crucial to staying healthy, I know I need to focus on the stories I tell myself about running, I know I need to do the hard work and I know I need to start doing it now – with kindness and love, but now. Doing it is so much harder than knowing it though. And I think that is why I like the book so much. There is no pretence that any of this is easy. Getting your shit together is hard and it stays hard. You don’t just suddenly get your ducks in a row and then they stay there and you live happily ever after. Or maybe other people who have never experienced poor mental health do. No idea. I have been nowhere near as ill as Allie and I am grateful for that but I also expected running, at a very very different level of of course, to save me. And for a while it did. I got fitter, so much fitter. I could do things. I could view my body in terms of what it could do rather than what the number on my clothes label said and somehow that all helped.

But I haven’t really done the work on me, I know this. Because when the running fell to pieces because of Covid and busy-ness and toxic workplaces and all the shit that life can throw at you and personal bests and races well run or at least struggled through to claim mental victory were replaced by DNF or actually mostly DNS, running was (is?) just another problem. My body is now not delivering, I am not strong, I am not fit – so how should I see my body, myself, now? Allie is right, running won’t save you from whatever demons you have but I also think she is right that running can buy you time to save yourself. I think through most of my running I have been both running away from stuff and running towards who I want to be, the balance has just varied. And who I want to be is not far off who I am right now in this moment sitting here writing this. I am happy. I am relatively healthy. I look forward too much and could do with being more in the moment and I know a lot of stuff that I am doing fuck all about. But I am aware and I am taking tiny little baby steps to start building a bridge across the knowing-doing gap. Running helps me meet my black puppy with curiosity and kindness every time it appears, it helps me make better decisions day to day, it helps me accept things as they are so I can start from there, it helps me breathe deeply when I need to and it helps me be kinder, most of all to myself. Those are the things that save us – if we do the work.

Read the book. Even if you think you’re fine, even if you don’t run. Read it because it is just a bloody good book about a remarkable woman. And somehow it is a book of tremendous hope.

Some runs just need to be over

November 8, 2024 Jess Guth1 Comment

Today’s run was not fun. None of it. But it’s done. The original plan was to do two 7 mile-ish loops at Bolton Abbey. However, we managed to not pick up Kath’s running vest when we set off so she had no phone and no water and no fuel. So rather than risking anything silly we agreed on one loop and I gave her one of my bottles of Tailwind. We set off and for the first while I could see Kath ahead of me – the distance between us getting further with every walk break I took. I felt pretty good. I dropped down past the Abbey and jogged across the bridge and started walking up the slope. Not a slope I had ever planned to run anyway. When I started running again nothing felt right. And that was the story of the run.

I didn’t settle in at all, not to the rhythm of the run walk, not to the running and not even to the walking. I walked more than I ran. My brain was noisy and random and even though I tried to consciously find joy – there just wasn’t any. I briefly glimpsed some as I hopped through golden crunchy leaves just before mile 5 and then when I saw a heron at 6.5 miles but otherwise it was just meh. My breathing was wrong, something always hurt and every time I won the argument about it not being real and whatever had been hurting went ‘oh ok then, yes I am fine’, something else would pop up and hurt. In fact it was so predictable by about mile 4 that it became funny. At about the same time I was also suddenly really hungry. I had some Tailwind and walked a bit drafting a rant blog about the awfulness of running in my head.

At every opportunity where I could cut the run short by doing a smaller loop, I had a real battle and every time I carried on along the planned route. I couldn’t quite decide whether to tell myself I was an idiot and should just stop or whether to be proud of myself. When I passed the aqueduct, the last point at which a shorter loop was possible, I thought I might settle in. Nope. I kept coming across people. I mean, obviously there were going to be people, and everyone was friendly but I didn’t want people in my space and I was always a bit surprised that I sounded both strong and cheerful as I said ‘Good Morning’. Anyway, with a million imaginary niggles and thoughts bouncing around everywhere I eventually finished with only the last 2 miles actually being within Disney allowed pace. I consigned the run to the ‘done’ category and joined Kath for food and coffee at the Tea on the Green cafe.

The mileage is ramping up but so far my body seems to be coping well. There are no actual niggles following Tuesday’s 9 miles and today’s 7. In fact Tuesday’s 9 miles were so delightfully uneventful I should have dedicated a post to them. I ran/walked the first 7 of them at remarkably consistent pace and then I ran out of daylight and decided the safest thing to do would be to walk the rest of the stretch along the canal until I could see properly again on the roads and when I got back onto roads with street lamps I basically just had the hill to walk up. Today’s run might have been pretty awful but like all runs, it ended and the memory bank of running the loop previously and of getting through previous awful runs was helpful. It didn’t have to be pretty, it just had to be done.

Ready for GNR?

August 31, 2024 Jess GuthLeave a comment

Right, well that’s it. Last run done before the Great North run a week tomorrow. That’s not the big miles done though. The reason there won’t be any running during next week is because there will be lots of walking. Tomorrow we set off to Bowness-on-Solway to start our Hadrian’s Wall adventure. So we will be walking somewhere between 15 and 21 miles a day from Monday to Friday. I’m excited.

Am I ready for the GNR? No, of course not. But whatever I do I never feel ready. I have done a few little ploddy runs of 45 minutes ish and then I forced myself out on the Bank Holiday Monday earlier this week to get into double figures. I did it. It wasn’t pretty but there were no tummy issues and I actually went pretty well until 7 miles with just a little hip flexor niggle which got worse as I went on making the last mile pretty painful. There were some mental battles along the way. The first 2 miles felt a bit sluggish and hard going so I got in my head a bit and nearly convinced myself I couldn’t do it. Mile 3 was ok and I settled down. Mile 4 was fabulous and fun. I saw a heron, I noticed things and I felt good. Mile 5 got a little hard and I had to give myself a good talking to in order to make sure I didn’t just turn round early. But having a landmark rather than a distance in my head for turning round helped a lot here. I had decided that I was going to the bridge in Silsden so that’s where I was going and the mile marker that came at was irrelevant (It was 6.06 miles if anyone cares).

After the turnaround point on an out and back I tend to get a lift. I am headed towards home. That’s good. That lift didn’t really happen on the 10 miler. It was a very short lived sort of ‘yay’. At just over 7 miles I stopped for a few minutes to try and stretch out hip flexors – they are hard to get at when you are out and about! Mile 8 was fine, I don’t remember it. I think I was just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. Mile 9 was painful and slow and I slipped in a few additional walk intervals. It was so tempting to stop and walk home at the 9 mile point. There is an obvious get off the canal and route home at that point. That would have made it almost 10 overall… close enough… maybe. From somewhere I found some willpower and kept run/walking to 10 miles. That last mile was just not nice though. Hip flexors continued to be bitchy and my calves decided they might just throw in a bit of campiness to join the party. I slowed a lot. But done.

*View from the Aqueduct at Bolton Abbey Estate*

Then I had to walk home. Home is uphill. And because I am an idiot I decided to walk the most direct but steepest route home. Well about 3/4 of the way up I felt very dizzy and pukey so I sat down for a minute or two before hauling my backside up the rest of the hill. A recovery drink, a bath and some food later and I felt pretty good. I was tired but not so tired that it took out the rest of the day. I pottered about in the kitchen and made an apple cake with our apples and sorted some apple jelly. I was achey for a couple of days afterwards but not so much that it stopped me going for a nice walk at Bolton Abbey on Tuesday and for a couple of runs finishing with today’s run. I am in sorting out and getting ready for adventures mode so I didn’t want to be out for long. I set off and felt good and ended up doing a really positive 2.5 miles at 13 minute mile pace. Now I realise that is slow in most people’s book. It used to be my forever pace but that was pre Covid and pre getting old. Now 13 minute miles is actually pretty speedy for me and about 2 minutes faster than I have been averaging over 3-4 miles recently. So I am very happy with that final run and ready to settle into a slightly slower walking pace for next week.

Ambleside Not Running

July 14, 2024 Jess Guth1 Comment

What do you do in the Lake District when one of you has a broken toe and the other is recovering from Covid? We had booked the Ambleside Salutation Hotel and Spa for a Lakeland Trails running weekend. Given how running has been going we had already dropped distances to 23k and 14k respectively and then Kath broke her toe on the Fell Pony Adventures a couple of weeks ago and last week I got Covid. It feels like I was basically asleep from last Sunday to Thursday. Anyway, running was out of the question for either of us but the hotel was booked.

I associate Ambleside with walking, being outside all day, moving… so it seemed odd to be there without really doing anything. We went to the cinema and had a lovely meal on Friday. On Saturday we drove up to Hill Top, Beatrix Potter’s house because we’d never been and with out National Trust Membership got in free (wouldn’t want to have paid 16 pounds each for that experience!). The house is interesting for a fairly quick walk through but very quickly got too busy to really look at anything. The garden was nice to have a look at and then we sat and had a coffee on a bench by a fruit tree. The National Trust attracts a certain type of volunteer I think and we spent some time giggling about the fact that although they were clearly ready they did not open the ticket hut until bang on 10am, that the volunteer at the gate gave you the welcome speech whether you wanted it or not and also summoned you back to her spot by the gate to do it if somehow you did manage to get past her initially.

We also had lots of giggles about the token that you have to collect from the ticket hut at the car park (they don’t tell you this so I left Kath at the house a couple of minutes up the road to go back down to get our tickets scanned). You then carry the toke that they didn’t tell you you needed, past the insistent welcome woman up to the house where you give it to the next volunteer – there seems no reason for the tokens. It kept us amused for a little while anyway.

We slept a lot, we watched tennis while reading, we lounged around in our room which was huge due to a lovely upgrade. We also had a sauna in the room which was nice but didn’t get all that hot and a huge jacuzzi bath. I actually think all the rooms are probably really nice but somehow the upgrade felt like the universe just nudging us to look after ourselves, to take advantage of the huge bed, the bathroom the size of an average London hotel room and the really good coffee. The staff were lovely when I randomly asked for ice so Kath could ice her toe and ankle and overall we felt well looked after.

We had more lovely food, had a look in the shops and bought some cards and notebooks and some new walking shoes, then more food, more sleep… This morning we finished our weekend with a hot stone massage. So if you’re in Ambleside and can’t run, it seems you eat and sleep lots and intersperse that with a few shops. It’s what we needed but it was also frustrating to see the runners of the various distances set off on their races, smiling and full of energy at that point. It was also upsetting because of our interaction with Lakeland Trails this time. I’ll see if it is resolved before writing any more about it. It was particularly frustrating because before I got ill, and after the Fell Pony trek, I had put together a really positive week of running and stretching and it felt like things were slowly beginning to come together.

On Friday I walked just under 10000 steps, so really not much and I was sooo tired, Saturday was a little better and today I feel better again. So much so that I made myself go on our new fancy bike (more on that soon) and do the FTP ramp test in Zwift. I have no real idea of how it works but let’s think of it as a fitness sort of test and I thought I might as well set a benchmark. It was ridiculous and I know from previous cycles that I can normally do better – or at least I think so because the previous set-up was far from accurate. Anyway, I know nothing about cycling or Zwift really so I’ll come back to all that.

All I can do at this point is dust myself off and start again and keep trying. That’s all any of us can do.

Solstice Saunter 2024

June 21, 2024 Jess GuthLeave a comment

Good Morning from the muppet who didn’t really stretch after completing the 5 mile Solstice Saunter yesterday. I’m not too stiff or achey but I didn’t sleep all that well because my body seemed to be working its way along each niggle to try and work out what to do with it – so it felt like I was mostly awake with something or other hurting a bit.

I like the Solstice Saunter. It’s held at Bolton Abbey annually on the day of the Summer Solstice. It’s a 5 mile undulating course which is very familiar because most of it is on our usual Bolton Abbey loop. As an added bonus the medals are always stunning. I was looking for to it. At the back of my mind was that little bit of doubt given that I didn’t exactly find parkrun a breeze and 5 miles on a hilly course is a different thing altogether from 3 miles on mostly flat. But I always wanted to go and do this.

So we set off, probably a bit too early really and got there about an hour before race start. We picked up our numbers, went to the loos, sat by the river for a bit and eventually wandered down to the start. At the start Kath and I split and Kath went further forward (I don’t think she quite went to the ‘nearly quick’ section, the name of which made me laugh). I stayed at the back with the slow jog/fast walk crowd.

We set off in waves and as we did I smiled and noted how the first jog felt nice and easy, good slow place, nothing silly or exciting as so often can happen at the start of a race. I immediately dropped into 30 second run/ 30 second walk intervals. I was around a couple of people running with dogs and neither had particularly good control of the dogs so it was slightly annoying. I thought about dropping back and keeping them in front of me but after a couple of run intervals I had left them firmly behind me and forgot about them. Then for about half a mile I kept going past and then being overtaken by a woman who was running constantly. I would go past on my run and then she would come past on my walk. Eventually though she moved ahead and I was quite happy to let her go. I was a mile in and it wasn’t easy.

Mile 2 has a lot of up in it and I didn’t even try running that. I was already feeling it and I wanted to enjoy it and stay positive so for mile 2 I walked up the hills and ran/walked down. It was a slow mile but quite a nice one. After that mile I was in a sort of bubble. I could just about see the person in front of me and I could just about see a couple of people behind me but basically I was on my own. It was perfect. I ran/walked fairly randomly for the rest of the loop really. I topped briefly at the water station for a conversation about the universe expanding – yep more random.

As I got close to the aqueduct there was a photographer and as I approached I said ‘You’re going to make me run aren’t you’? He insisted he wouldn’t but I did anyway and kept going for a bit once I had passed him. Then there’s another uphill so I marched up that. That was a fairly consistent pattern, power march up, jog down. The route here is up and down and not in a straight line so mostly I couldn’t see anyone. Bliss!

I got to the bottom of nemesis hill and could suddenly see a few people who were closer than I had thought they would be from when I had seen them earlier. I tiny little competitive streak appeared from somewhere deep down. I marched up nemesis hill as I have done so many times and when I got to the top I had gained on the people in front quite significantly even though they were on the downhill. Game on! I jogged down and was now pretty close. I also still had just over half a mile to go though, so let’s not peak too soon. I stayed behind them as they jogged and I ran/walked. With every run I was getting closer and I wasn’t dropping back in my walks. With about a quarter of a mile to go I passed them. At about the same time my left calf starting getting a little crampy on the run segments so I slowed off a little but kept the interval. Then I popped up over the last hill, saw Kath and broke into a job that somehow I kept going to the finish. The field finish was tricky terrain on tired legs and it felt like I just sort of threw myself over the finish line. Yay done.