I seem to have managed to keep the worst of my depression at bay. Let’s keep the black dog metaphor going – I have shut that stupid black mutt out but it is still hanging around outside. For only the second time in my academic career (which now spans well over 10 years) I have withdrawn from a conference. I was due to fly out to Sweden tomorrow but I just couldn’t get my head round flying out there on my own, I couldn’t get my head round exploring somewhere I’d never been before and I couldn’t get me head round giving two papers and putting my research out there for comment. I’ve cancelled. I shall miss seeing some great colleagues and friends but I need to look after myself.
Running and yoga seem to be becoming a part of that. I went to work today and mostly it was ok. I had my little panic this morning but mostly I just got on with things once I got to work. It was just much more of an effort that usual. I had to force the focus that usually comes naturally. I was tired on the way home, really tired. I wanted to get home and run though. Well no, that’s not quite true. I wanted to have that post-run feeling. The only way to get that is to run. 30 minutes along the canal in 2 min run/30 secs walk intervals was what we had planned. I felt reasonably happy about that having managed nearly 6 miles on Sunday using that same ratio. I pushed. Maybe for the first time since we started the running I consciously pushed the pace a little. Usually I just try keep going. I let Kath worry about pace and just follow her lead and she keeps an eye on how I’m doing and speeds up (oh come on, who are we kidding – slows down) accordingly. But today I pushed and I kept pushing all the way to the end. Pace: 12 minutes per mile exactly. Distance: 2.5 miles. Well that silly fat black labrador that seems to be the symbol for depression in my mind can’t take that pace. I’d left that behind after the second run section. The problem is, it finds its way back ‘home’ and just hangs around waiting for me to unwittingly leave the door open.
The yoga is useful too. It’s helping and I’m getting better at it. I’ll write about that in more detail another time though.