Author: Jess Guth

Dr Jess Guth is a Legal Academic. She blogs at jessguth.com She also doesn't really run - reallynotarunner.com

Of Lurgy, Bad Days and Needing to Run

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Day ‘what feels like forever’ of lurgy. I can’t shift it. It is the second really bad cold/flu/whatever I have had this year and it won’t go away. Well, that’s not quite true, it is shifting. I am slowly getting better. I started this post a few days ago – on the anniversary of Rachel’s death. She was in many ways the one who got me running in the first place – more about that in another blog maybe. And that day I felt like I needed to run far and fast to outrun my demons – but I was stuck on the sofa. It wasn’t a good day. It was full of memories but focused on the regrets, on the didn’t dos and should have saids. It was miserable and her not being here physically hurt. I didn’t cry. It was too painful for tears.

As I tried and eventually gave up on trying to keep work things ticking over until I can get my brain to function properly again and don’t go all wobbly every time I try and leave the sofa, I have too much time for my mind to wander. This is not a good thing. Sometimes, my mind left to its own devices, comes up with the most amazing creative thought and ideas. My best ideas about how to teach stuff or for research papers have come when I have let my mind wander off and paid no attention to it at all. However, as many of you know, over the last couple of years my mind has wandered off to darker places, places where it then gets stuck and won’t come out for days, weeks, moths at a time. Places where it hides like a scared little creature too terrified to come out into the light. Places that are guarded by an annoyingly bouncy and energetic little black Labrador puppy. Don’t let its cuteness fool you, it’s a right bitch (no pun intended – not really anyway). I don’t want my mind to go there. I am trying to drag it back out of the shadows and tell it that it’s all ok, that we’ll be fine, my mind and me, we’ll be fine.

But the lurgy isn’t the only thing I have been struggling to shift. There are also the rather ominous but familiar ‘I’m not good enough thoughts’. I haven’t run for nearly two weeks and before that it was sporadic at best. I am miles behind (too obvious a pun really) on the 1000 mile challenge, the 10k race is in 3 weeks and I haven’t run that far since the Dr Strange 10k in California in November… so I’m not a good enough runner. Kath has been getting out and running lots and her mileage total is steadily creeping up, her pace is pretty solid and certainly faster than I am – I’m not good enough to run with her….I have done naff all in the house, Kath has done it all – I’m totally rubbish… I have been unfocused at work and have had nearly a full week off meaning that some deadlines for potential projects have been missed – I’m not good enough at teaching, research, organising myself, writing, thinking, motivating others, getting the job done…. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I know this is my mind wandering towards the dark places and being stuck in the shadows (we haven’t yet got to I can’t do it at all!). It’s been focused on all the things I haven’t done or won’t get done and it has spiralled from there. I need to run. I need to get out there to feel the sun on my face, to feel the physical effort, to release some of those happy hormones and to just get a grip. I feel like I need to run hard, fast and far, that a run up on the moors or along the canal might just make it all ok. Then I remember that I can’t run. But I couldn’t run when I completed Dopey either so let’s just ignore that. I managed to get out of bed and actually have a shower and get dressed today. Then Kath took me for breakfast and we did our food shop. I also bought some new PJs so really all is well with my world. I can now look at screens and read so I will look at work stuff and make a list and prioritise and get back on track. Tomorrow I will try a little walk and if I don’t collapse in a heap at the end of it, on Monday, I will run. It won’t be hard, far or fast but it will be a run and will at least give the puppy something to distract it so it might not notice me dragging my mind back from the shadows. And if it does? Well, it can catch me if it can.

 

 

Race Planning

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What better way to spend your ‘I can’t run’ days than by planning all the amazing runs and races you are going to complete in record times just as soon as you are able to get out there again! You won’t believe the challenging courses, fast flat courses, hilly routes and muddy sections I have run in my head over the last few days and you certainly won’t believe the pace at which I did them! More realistically though, we have been talking about what races to schedule in, how many, when and what distances. I think we learned from Dopey and London that having too many, too far an too close together is counter productive. We quite like running once we get going and we both quite like the odd race but we don’t like the pressure of running lots of races. Having some booked in keeps us honest and focused but it’s a fine balance between that and feeling stressed out.

So we have pretty much made the decision that we will have another go at the Dopey Challenge in January 2019. The races we might  try and do between now and then look something like this:

  1. Keighley 10k – March 2017
  2. Endure 24 – July 2017
  3. Yorkshire Coast 10k Scarborough– October 2017
  4. Harewood House Half Marathon – February 2018
  5. Keighley 10K – March 2018
  6. Hamburg Half Marathon  – June 2018
  7. Endure 24 (if we enjoy it in 2017) – July 2018
  8. Great North Run – September 2018
  9. Robin Hood Half Marathon – September 2018
  10. Scarborough 10k – October 2018
  11. DOPEY – January 2019

That looks like a pretty good list to me really and there are some opportunities there for a decent proof of time run for Dopey. In addition we may actually get out butts to parkrun, too.

Anyway, I think my throat is getting a little better. I don’t think I have a temperature any more so I hope that in a day or two I can try some baby steps towards running again.

On and off running

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Ah yes, that running thing. You would of course be forgiven for thinking that I haven’t been running at all – that’s how it usually works, no blog, no run. It’s not quite true this time though. I have been running but not much, not far and not fast and it has been mostly fairly miserable. I’ve struggled every week to motivate myself to get out and run. Since I last blogged it’s probably been about once a week and I’ve had a couple of 1 mile runs on the treadmill in the gym at work. All of it was pretty hideous and not really in any way enjoyable.

Then we had a lovely weekend with our friends last weekend and just chilled out completely and on Monday I suddenly felt ready to run and we had a short but really good run after work. We ran the .8 of a mile to our sheep to feed them and then ran back. No intervals, no walking. The way there was quite speedy and the way back was also a lot faster than I thought was possible – it’s got lots of uphill bits which I often don’t manage to run at all. I felt quite smug about the run and happy to really get going. It felt like maybe running wasn’t going to be a complete waste of space this year. On Tuesday I started with tonsilitis. I have jelly legs just walking up the stairs in the house so no running until I’m better. Hmph.

So while all this not running is happening I have of course been looking for motivation and things to give me a focus and purpose. Kath joined the Trail Running Magazine 1000 mile challenge at the start of the year and it certainly seems to be helping her get her butt out the door – she’s been running most days – not massive distances but even 3 miles here, a mile and a half there starts adding up! She’s on a roll. I decided to also join. I suspect I won’t get anywhere near 1000 miles in the year but it’s a good goal to work towards and in the Facebook group that goes with the challenge there is lots of motivation to be found – gorgeous pictures posted by people running in stunning countryside. Building fitness so I can get back to actually enjoying being out and looking around is definitely a motivator. So even though I can barely get my backside off the sofa today, I am impatient to get out there.

I’ve also just realised that the Keighley 10k is only a month away. Hm. I do like that the distance isn’t really freaking me out. I am not worried that I can’t do 10k but I’d like it to be a good positive run and of course there is a small (ok, large) part of me that wants to do better than last year. I know this isn’t likely – I was in between Dopey and London Marathon last year. I was a lot fitter with a lot more miles in my legs but I don’t really want to see exactly how much fitness has gone since then!

We are also toying with the idea of entering the Endure24 24 hour race in Leeds in July. It’s 5 mile laps which seems quite doable and teams don’t need to have someone on course all the time so it really does seem like it might be a fun challenge. I think I could do a few 5 miles laps with a little rest in between! But of course I always think I can do things when I am sitting on my sofa. On my sofa I am invincible – sitting on the sofa got me into the whole Dopey thing in the first place.

I’ve rested today and I have no plans for the weekend that require me to really do anything so I can rest and then hopefully next week will be a better week . Let my 2017 running commence!

Road Running

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Quick update

Didn’t run Sunday because K had a niggly knee and I am not known for my willpower or desire to go running on my own. So it’s just as well we went on Saturday. For today the plan said 50 minutes slow. I do like a plan that says slow. I can do slow.

We had toyed with the idea of going this morning but I wanted Kath to have her knee checked out first which she did this morning and she is cleared to run. Our track record of going for a run after work is poor. Once I get in from work I really don’t like to be parted from the sofa! However, this moomin butt needs to keep moving! We arranged for Kath to pick me up from the station and then to park at Mum’s and run from there. I got changed there and then we set off. We ran along the road which had the advantage of street lighting and of being relatively flat. It has the disadvantage of being a relatively busy road and a boring out and back route.

We set the watch to 17 2 minute run/1 minute walk intervals (51 minutes) and then the Garmin wouldn’t lock onto the satellite. Rather than messing with it we just set off. It felt fast but it also felt quite flowing. Well when I say fast, I mean fast for me – for the rest of the world I am really talking about marginally faster than a brisk dog walking pace. Running along the road is odd. We’ve never really done it before. There wasn’t much to look at and there was the traffic noise so my focus was different and I realised I was focusing on breathing – not in a ‘I can’t breathe’ sort of way but in a ‘oh I prefer to sound of breathing to the sound of traffic’ kind of a way. I was focused on me and that’s not something I am all that comfortable with but it did mean being more aware of form, breathing and when things tightened up and when things felt good.

Surprisingly, mostly it felt pretty good even if hard and on almost all runs I managed to keep the pace until the end of the 2 minutes, I just had one wobble as we were heading up a slope and I lost my stride pattern and everything felt out of sync. I kept thinking I was surprised at how ok it all felt. Ok is not something I usually feel when running.

As we don’t have the data from the Garmin we had to rely on Google Maps which reliably informs me that we ran 4 miles exactly. So that means that finally -for the first time in ages – we managed a decent length run at under 13 minute mile pace.

In other news – Sunday weigh in yesterday showed a 2 pound gain. Hmph but ok – readjusting after the few days of no food and I suppose I’ll have to admit to the chocolate biscuits and the 2 days of university sand which lunches…

In more other news – the Wanderlust TV yoga – we’ve done days 1-4 and it is helping although I was struggling to keep up a little on Day 4. It’s useful to get more guidance on technique and this morning we did the yoga Studio 20 minute beginner am sequence and goodness it is harder when you do it properly! Right I am off to have a bath and then try Day 5.

 

Sulky Running

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Apparently my last post was my 200th post on this blog. Well if I’d known… actually who am I kidding, I wouldn’t have done anything different at all.

Our 10k plan quite clearly states that today is a core strength or rest day so I think my fire breathing, looks could kill sort of response when Kath suggested we should run today and tomorrow was perfectly justified. She wouldn’t let up though, pointing out how gorgeous it was outside (yeah, the sun just blinds you so you don’t see the ice patches…) and how much better we’d feel (hmph, I don’t want to feel better). When she said ‘Come on, try and be positive’ my amazingly positive response of ‘If I run, slip, break my neck, I don’t ever have to run again?’ just got an eye roll and a’ oh for fuck’s sake’.

I got changed – is it possible to get changed in a stroppy sort of way? If it is then that’s what I did. I can sulk. No, I mean really sulk and today I put every little ounce of sulkiness I had into this and drew on years and years of practice. I did not want to go out there and run. But I also knew that Kath was right. I would feel better, it is gorgeous out there… so just saying no wasn’t an option. But going and embracing it wasn’t either. Sulking was the way to go. Sulking would work.

We had decided (well Kath had and I refused to agree or disagree because I was sulking) that we would repeat the 6 minute run, 3 minute walk session from the other day. So off we trotted and very quickly something happened – I forgot I was supposed to be sulking. We weren’t even 2 minutes in and I allowed myself to notice how lovely the sun felt on my back, I started looking around a bit and noting the snow on the hills on the other side of the valley. We had turned and were going uphill so running took a bit more concentration and I remembered I was grumpy about this. Then came the walk break. After the walk break we were heading downhill – I’d never run down this particular hill before. We don’t usually turn down the road here because we don’t often run on the road but the paths and tracks we do use were likely to be icy or at least muddy and slippery. Ah yes, I’m sulking aren’t I, I remember, I don’t like downhill. Running is stupid, I remember now.

We turned the corner and started up the road that looks almost flat but it’s not. I think you only really know this when you run it – it’s a slope. It’s a pull. I should be grumpy but I was actually feeling that little twinge of satisfaction and pride you get when you know you’re running uphill but your pace isn’t slowing, your lungs are burning that little bit more and you can feel your legs pushing. I was working bloody hard but enjoying it, really enjoying it. FFS I am supposed to be sulking, remember.

Walk break

Last 6 minutes, there it is, stride pattern, breathing, movement – everything fits. Just like that I have time and energy to look around, to see the dogs playing, the old ladies standing in a driveway nattering away, a woman running in the opposite directions really pushing the pace and the drivers getting irritated and impatient with each other as they navigate their way around parked cars. I notice the blue sky and the birds in it. I notice how the sun feels on my face. Then it’s over. The run is done. We walk a little and then decide to run the rest of the final walk break. That takes us to the co-op to pick up some milk. Then we walk home. I’ve forgotten I’m supposed to be sulking.