Category: Other Exercise

Me in my head

Jess Guth1 Comment

Ah right, where are we. It’s the end-ish of April. It’s well over a months since I last posted. I wrote the last post while we were away and I was all set for starting week 2 of couch to 5km. Then I got food poisoning or a nasty tummy bug and wiped myself out for a week. Eventually I started back on the bike, the new gym opened and I went to some classes and did a couple of strength sessions and I have done the odd yoga flow and workout at home. I even went for a run while at a conference in Glasgow. But nothing is quite clicking.

After attending the yoga class at the gym for the first time I wrote the following LinkedIn post. Since then I have been wondering if maybe I need to call out my own BS. Am I fitter than I look? The bit that I think is true is that I do indeed have a lot of experience. However, having spent chunks of time in the gym where there are mirrors everywhere, having been in several classes where I have struggled with some bits and having tried to go back to basics with running and with the bike, I am not so sure I am actually fitter than I look. And I don’t look fit.

I have noticed that the more time I have spent in the gym the less I feel like I belong there. The more classes I have been too, the less confident I am in taking up space in them, the more I go out and try and tick off the couch to 5km runs, the less I feel like a runner and as for the bike, well I never really believed that was for me. I was asked recently if I enjoyed the gym and the classes. My answer was that I am not that keen but that I do it because it makes me a better runner or even just allows me to run without getting injured. I want that to be true but it assumes I am currently running. In truth, I am not enjoying any of it. It’s miserable. All of it is unreasonably hard. I am stiff and creaky, weak, inflexible, have nothing on cardio and not even the willpower the swear mostly. This morning I did a 20 minute Joe Wicks strength workout, and by did I mean I tried but I modified every other exercise and for one I just quietly sobbed in something vaguely resembling child’s pose which I can’t properly get into because by tummy gets in the way and my hips won’t flex.

None of the tricks are working. I can’t motivate myself because I am struggling to trick my brain into getting it done. I know exercise is awful when you first start, when you have to claw yourself back to fitness. I feel like I have been clawing my way back since the first Covid infection in 2020. I feel like every time I make a tiny bit of progress, something happens. I feel like I haven’t had the chance to string any sort of consistency together. For the last few years I have never got beyond the ‘this is awful’ phase of exercise. I haven’t had the wins. I haven’t had the things that make it worth it. I haven’t been able to claim ‘strong not skinny’ for myself, I haven’t been able to focus on what my body can do rather than what it looks like because it can do so little at the moment. I haven’t even been able to say ‘This Girl Can’ because this girl can’t. And most of the time I was fine with that. I was fine with starting over over and over again, with making minimal progress, getting derailed and then going again. But now? I don’t know what has shifted. Maybe it’s the mirrors all over the gym, maybe it’s the lack of modifications given in most gym classes, maybe it is the constant ‘how to lose weight in your 40s’ advertising that hits my social media feeds, I don’t know. But for the first time in well over a decade I suddenly care that I am fat. It doesn’t feel like just a descriptor in the way that it has done for so long. I have forgotten that I don’t care what people think and suddenly found myself worrying about that. I have forgotten that it has never been about size and weight and have suddenly become concerned about both of those numbers, I have forgotten they are just numbers to which we have arbitrarily assigned value. I feel judged by the numbers. I have forgotten running, exercise, movement is about me and for me and not about anyone else or expectations or conforming to some weird normative bullshit about what my body looks like or can do. It’s swirling into one rather body conscious mess that makes getting out there doing the things that will help bring clarity and balance harder.

So today I wanted to start getting my head sorted but most things at the minute just feel like pressure. I could make a plan – what exercise do I want to do when. And I can do this well, my plans are good and sensible. I have been around this stuff for long enough to have a sense of what works and what is realistic. I could do a really ambitious but doable plan and I could also do a really gentle be kind to yourself through this wobble plan but just the idea of having a plan of any kind just made me convince myself that I would probably just disappoint myself. I thought I could use stickers again and give myself a sticker for every day where I manage to run, cycle or go to the gym – the stickers used to work well but now it just feels like it risks having to look at days and days without stickers when I inevitably don’t manage it. My self talk about just trying to do something was annoying and a bit preachy and anything inspirational that might have made me snap out of it was just not for me…

A week or so ago Kath told me about a conversation with her coach about visual representation of runs or mileage or whatever. And Kath has decided to use Lego – so no colouring in for miles run or workouts completed but instead Kath is, over time, going to build the house from Disney’s ‘Up’. I like this. Stickers on a calendar leave gaps, building something with lego doesn’t leave gaps, the progress and effort made are visible and remain for you to add to even if you miss some time. So I want to build my mini Disney Castle. I decided today that for every day where I manage to go out there and take up space in the fitness and exercise world, run, go to a class or the gym, cycle, whatever, I build. Brick by brick. I almost felt positive about it and thought that this long weekend I could literally lay the foundations for my own little castle of magic and dreams. But I can’t find the box. The castle is built on a shelf in my study. But the box and instructions? We have now searched the house from loft to every cupboard in the house. Can’t find it. Now I know I can download the instructions and I can keep the pieces in ziplock bags. It’s not actually a huge deal. But it felt like it. It felt like the universe saying ‘That castle of magic and dreams – yeah not for you’.

And while I am typing this, my lower back niggles, my bra is digging in, my right foot hurts for no reason and I know that I need to and want to snap out of it and get back to getting better at doing hard. I can do hard. Hell, I can do the impossible. It’s fun to do the impossible, or it used to be. Trusting the process, being patient and just trying to do something, trying to be kind and trying to call myself out when I am just being lazy is hard. I am ok doing hard. I don’t expect easy, it can be impossible for all I care. I will do it anyway, but what I can’t seem to do right now, is deal with feeling judged and like my value is somehow attached to numbers – numbers of the scales, on the clothes labels, on my Garmin or on the weights I am using at the gym. And the most annoying thing about this is – I am pretty sure most people are not judging. It’s all in my head and I don’t know why.

So we go again tomorrow. I want to do a strength session at the gym. I will take up space. I will do my thing. The numbers will be what the numbers will be. Maybe little by little my perspective will shift again. Trust the process, remember it’s for me, it’s about me and me needs to get out of my head.

Hadrian’s Wall or not -Day 4

Jess Guth1 Comment

My feet, or specifically my little toes are more painful than I ever imagined they could be. I maybe slept a couple of hours and it’s clear really that my Hadrian’s Wall walk adventure is over. We talked about what to do for the best for us both and agreed that Kath would walk on. Here she is setting off in Chollerford.

The B&B we stayed at was lovely and we got a lift down to Chesters Roman Fort this morning where Kath collected her next stamp. Then I hobbled with her to Chollerford where I’m now sitting in the cafe I was in yesterday sipping coffee. I’ll walk back to Chesters shortly, have a look around and then get the bus to Hexham.

Well Chesters was quite interesting for a short visit and is probably worth exploring more fully with functioning feet. I didn’t walk down to the bath house or round the whole site. I stuck my head in the museum- a room full of old stones basically and then I got on the bus.

I got off at Hexham bus station and walked very slowly towards the Abbey. I stopped at Boots and bought ibuprofen and then looked round the Abbey sitting a little while and lighting a candle for peace. Then I went for coffee.

The B&B had ‘strict’ check in times of between 4pm and 6pm. It said to call if you thought you’d be outside those times. I tried a few times to see how early I could get there and if Kath could get a lift from Heddon. No answer. So I decided that my feet were too sore to wander round Hexham and I was better off getting the train to Wylam where the B&B is.

Once in Wylam I called again and got through. They seemed slightly irritated even though I was careful to note that I knew it was early and I was just asking what was possible. She suggested we could check in at 3pm as they’d be back home then. Kath was walking into the village and I found a cafe for another coffee. Kath then discovered that there was a bus and jumped on that and I picked her up at the bus stop.

Her walk was mostly along the road and fairly uninspiring but I still enjoyed the photo updates

The B&B seems nice and we’ve rounded off the day with food at a local pub. In spite of trying to stay off my feet I’ve still done just over 14000 steps. Now for feet up, random tv and an early night.

Hadrian’s Wall Day 3

Jess Guth1 Comment

It didn’t go to plan. 7 miles in I couldn’t cope anymore. I’m not sure with what or why but I just couldn’t. The pain wasn’t really any worse than it had been all morning. It was there as a constant but not worse. The terrain was much more challenging but I knew it was going to be hard. I was ok for a little while and then confidence on any ascent and descent vanished- tricky when most of the route is up or down. Eventually brain and body said ‘nope, not today’. There were another 2 miles to navigate before a way off. We agreed Kath would carry on and I would head to the Sill and figure things out from there. So at 9 miles we split and I walked slowly down the road.

Anyway, I’m disappointed and cross and sad and sore and need time to process. I found some joy in the day, a lovely scenic bus ride, people who helped, a room with a bath…

We re- asses tomorrow.

Hadrian’s Wall Day 2 – Carlisle to Gilsland

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Just a very quick post because I’m tired and need to process today. We left Howard Lodge in Carlisle just after 8 am after an average breakfast but nice overall stay.

Today’s route was varied, more undulating than yesterday and actually a lovely route.

There were some muddy bits and some of the road sections were actually welcome after having spent a chunk of time thinking carefully about where to put our feet.

We had the path completely to ourselves for the first 5.5 miles and after that we met others coming in the opposite direction every couple of miles or so.

My feet are sore. The walking shoes were still soaking wet so I obviously wore the trail running shoes. They’re actually much better and fabulous in mud but they are quite tight. Those pressure points already tender got worse and I was in low level pain from early on. facilities are basically non existent so eventually we had a wild wee.

The sunshine was lovely and it was nice not to be rained on! But I started flagging quite early. We decided to push on to 10 miles before lunch. I sort of made it but I was struggling. We sat by the roadside and had some pasta we’d bought from M&S. I struggled to get going again and in Walton we thought we’d stop at the tea room for coffee. We didn’t have coffee because we couldn’t get served as the guy running it seemed more interested in chatting to locals. He seemed cross that we left with me just having had a pee but in all the time it took he hadn’t taken an order from Kath.

We saw the first bits of stone wall today. It’s quite a staggering wall and must have been tea imposing in its time.

Around 14 ish miles I lost the plot. Everything seems to hurt worse. There was a narrow muddy section that just made feet and hips throb with every step. I had a little cry. I got in my head. It definitely felt like I had taken on too much. I was cross that I didn’t feel better. After all we were just walking and not walking fast and the terrain was mostly fine and while there had been a hill or two it really wasn’t a strenuous route.

So today has been tough. Dacre House, our B&B is really nice and I am happy to just be able to rest. My feet are really tender, my little toes are blistered to hell and let’s just not talk about the chafing along the knicker line – let’s just say I screamed in the shower and Kath’s response to seeing it was ‘fucking hell that’s horrendous’. Vaseline has been liberally applied, the toe blisters popped and I’m about to do some stretches and then sleep.

Tomorrow is another long day. It has much more up in it and is described as moderate to strenuous. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. But I want to.