Dare I go for a run?

Jess Guth6 Comments

Or should that be ‘can I make myself go’. That’s been the question on my mind all day. I’d said I would try again today – not the 11 miles but a 45 minute run along one of our normal routes. Not first thing thought because, quite frankly, I was exhausted yesterday and we wanted to go to a plant sale. We then also went out for lunch so without even trying I’d easily put the run off until late afternoon at least. At 5pm ish I knew I wouldn’t be able to drag it our forever. I went and sat on our bed for a while and just stared out over the valley.Then I decided it was time. I was nearly sick. I was about to put myself through this whole bloody thing again. It would be so easy to just stop, blame the dodgy calf muscles, the knees – I might try again when I’ve lost some more weight…

I got changed. I came downstairs. Kath gave me a hug, ran upstairs and got changed. Then she grabbed her backpack which made me panic because I thought we were only going for 45 minutes which doesn’t require a backpack. She opened it and pulled out Paul the duck – the wood duck she bought me yesterday to cheer me up. Then she declared that Paul was coming with us on our 45 minute run. She took the the backpack just so we could take Paul.

We set off. My right calf muscle was tight but ok. It was fine. I was putting one foot in front of the other. Then suddenly Kath said we’d take a walk break. So we did. We’d run 2.5 minutes. We walked for a minute. We did that a couple of times. It was fine, still putting one foot in front of the other. Then came the hill up to the golf course – one foot in front of the other and the top of the slope came. Breathing heavily but not huffing and puffing.

I hate going downhill at the best of times and going down the golf course was a bit scary. Towards the bottom I said I was scared so Kath just grabbed my hand and we ran a few steps hand in hand. We turned onto the canal. I still felt ok. I was aware that our pace was very very slow but I felt fine and that was what this was all about. The canal was glorious this evening with the light bouncing off the water, the fields looking a gorgeous green and the greens of the trees just beginning to show hints of autumnal colours. We turned round and I was now confident I’d get to the end. My leg was a little sore and my left knee had shown signs of niggles but it was all discomfort rather than pain so gritted teeth it was – the stop start of the run/walk intervals seemed to make it worse so I decided to just keep running. I wasn’t sure whether I’d be ale to keep it up to the end but I could always take a walk break if I needed one.

Then I saw it, in fact I think we saw it at the same time, a flash of brilliant colour, just above the water, coming from behind us and streaking past – the kind of blue and orange that can only be a kingfisher. It is so rare to see one and we haven’t seen one on that part of the canal for years. We got a really good view of it as it flew past us and then into the trees at the side of the canal. I ran the rest of our route with a big smile and even managed to pick up the pace a little on the last 7 minutes. We did just over 3.5 miles in the 45 minutes. Slow I thought, but lovely.

I’ve had a bath and I’ve got a bag of frozen peas on my calf as I type – as a precaution more than anything else. I’m ok. One foot in front of the other.

Oh and it is Sunday. That means weigh in! I lost 2.5 pounds. All good.

I can’t run

Jess Guth6 Comments

So much for getting carried away then. So much for getting excited that I might just be able to do this. So much for thinking I could actually run. It’s time for honesty again: I can’t run. Today was supposed to be our 11 mile run. We’d planned the route (Bolton Abbey to Burnsall and back, all along the Wharfe). I was a bit nervous but looking forward to it, looking forward to the route in particular. I like the Wharfe and Burnsall holds childhood memories – probably only from photos actually. I’d done everything right. I’d eaten relatively well yesterday, I’d made sure I was well hydrated and I had a decent if not perfect night’s sleep. I had a porridge pot for breakfast and a mug of hot water as well as some more water throughout the morning. I did 15 minutes of flexibility yoga before we set off. Everything was as it should be. But I can’t do it.

We had agreed to walk to the top of the first slope rather than tiring ourselves on the first run so we did that and then started. I was immediately huffing and puffing. My right leg felt a little sore and stiff but it eased almost immediately. The huffing and puffing didn’t. It was so hard, so unbelievably hard. I got to the strid, must only be half a mile or so and as we started to go up the slope I just burst into tears. No warning, no battle, just a very clear ‘I can’t f-ing do this’. We walked up the hill and started running again at the top. I huffed and puffed my way through a couple of run intervals. I somehow made it past the aqueduct and along a bit of the path we haven’t run before. I might have just about made a mile and a half. Then an overwhelming sense of complete pointlessness set it. I just can’t do it. It’s pointless to try. I’m just going to let everyone down. People like me do not run 11 miles, never mind half marathons and certainly never mind marathons. The realisation was so so clear – I can’t run.

I don’t know what was worse, that realisation, the disappointment in myself or Kath’s obvious disappointment. I just sobbed. Not the sort of adult crying with tears silently running down your face – the almost dignified crying, no the proper sobbing til you’ve got hiccups kind of crying, the kind that makes your ribcage hurt. I didn’t really stop until we were well over half way back to the car. I didn’t ever want to run again. I was so cross at myself for allowing myself to believe I might be able to do this. I should have known. This wasn’t about anything physical. My leg is fine. Physically I can do 9 miles so chances are I could do 11 and I certainly can do the 1-2 miles I’d done so far. But running  – or indeed any exercise –  isn’t about the physical. Not when you were the fat kid in school that always got picked last, that never once managed to run the cross country course and that never once got the sports badge. This is about 30 years of knowing that you are not able to do it and 30 years of having that knowledge confirmed at every turn – be that through actions or words. This is about the looks from others as you try, those looks that tell you that they don’t think you should be doing what you’re doing, you don’t belong on that path running along as best you can – ‘get back on that sofa with your packet of crisps’.

I have said a few times that running is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is – not necessarily physically. I used to horse ride a lot as a kid, often in the saddle every day and some of my lessons through university were physically really tough – an hour of trot and canter work without a walk break lets you know you have muscles all over the place as well as functioning lungs. My body can do physical exertion, I can push it, I can do mind over matter and push through barriers. I can, excpet not with running. For 30 years, maybe more – when do you start being conscious of these things? – the World has made it very clear to me that I can’t run, people like me can’t run. Today, on that gorgeously stunning path by the Wharfe I forgot that I’ve never cared much about what the Wolrd tells me I can and can’t do and I believed it.

It is impossible to explain to someone who has always been sporty and has always had an underlying level of fitness and who has always enjoyed sport. Kath has helped so much getting this far and she was really trying today – she tried being nice, she tried being tough, she tried being cross, she tried and she kept telling me I can do this. The thing is, I know she is right, physically I obviously can. I know this because all he evidence suggests I can. I’ve done 9 miles. I had something left in the tank at the end of 9 miles so it is more likely than not that I can do 11 miles. I KNOW but I also know that doesn’t mean I can do it. It just means that it is physically possible but when you’re me, physically possible and achievable are still a million miles apart.

So where does that leave me? Well, I want to go to Disney and I want to run the marathon so there’s only one way forward. I get over today and I get back on the road. I have Thursday and Friday off next week so we are going to aim for 11 miles on the Thursday or Friday morning, depending on what else we have on. We’ll try for 45 minutes tomorrow.

To cheer me up and cheer me on Kath bought me a little wood handcarved duck called Paul. He’s our new little mascot and we’re going to take him with us in the car when we go for our long runs. He looks like he’s shouting encouragement or possibly obscenities – either will probably work for me at the moment.

Meet Paul - the Encouragement Duck
Meet Paul – the Encouragement Duck

Getting carried away

Jess Guth4 Comments

I am getting over-excited. Perhaps it is that this evening I am finally starting to feel a bit better after after 3 days of feeling pretty crap, tired and miserable; perhaps it is because my visit to the osteopath seems to have sorted my leg and I am going to be able to have a go at the 11 miles tomorrow, perhaps it is because I have finally made some real progress with my teaching materials for the coming semester (I know I know but there is a week yet before induction week starts!). Whatever it is, I am getting carried away. In an attempt to make myself feel better yesterday I spent rather a long time looking at Disney stuff online.

Don’t judge me, I know, corporate America at its worst… I can’t help it. I believe in the magic that is Disney and I get excited about our trip. I spent a while looking at what I’d like to do at the parks. I’m not a big rollercoaster fan, I get motion sick really easily and thrill seeking has never appealed to me. I do like a little rollercoaster type fun though and the Seven Dwarf Mine Train looks fun – it’s new since we last went so I have no idea what it’ll be like but I’m looking forward to trying it. It always takes me a couple of walk-pasts before I decide I do want to go on the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. That’s probably my rollercoaster limit (pathetic, I know) and I have to be in the right mood for it. I might not do this until after the marathon! I’m always scared of tweaking my back or something – is that actually likely? And then if I am feeling really brave which in my stupid over excited state this evening I am, I will ‘Blast off on a rip-roaring rocket through the darkest reaches of outer space’  and get myself onto Space Mountain. I have done that before and enjoyed it – I think it’s because I can’t see what’s coming and have no option but to go with it.

I’m also scared of heights so was only persuaded to go onto the Astro Orbiter on our final day of the last trip (which was January 2013 by the way – we don’t do this often!) and I actually really enjoyed it – it was lovely to have the views across the park and back towards our hotel. So I won’t wait until the last day this time! I could go on and on with other rides but I will stick to the Magic Kingdom for now or this will be a very long post. I am excited about walking over from our hotel once we’ve arrived and just wandering through the Magic Kingdom. I am excited about not being cold in January. I am excited about walking up Mainstreet USA and then just seeing where our feet take us. Ok, yes, I am just excited!

But I am not there to have fun, well not only to have fun. I am there to run. I’m there to run the RunDisney Disney World Marathon.so of course I got carried away and excited about that too. I got sidetracked looking at all the info on the RunDisney site and came across this pacing chart

Pace/Mile
Half Marathon
Full Marathon
9:30
2:04:00
4:09:00
10:00
2:11:00
4:22:00
10:30
2:18:00
4:35:00
11:00
2:24:00
4:48:00
11:30
2:31:00
5:01:00
12:00
2:37:00
5:14:00
12:30
2:44:00
5:28:00
13:00
2:50:00
5:41:00
13:30
2:57:00
5:54:00
14:00
3:03:00
6:07:00
14:30
3:10:00
6:20:00
15:00
3:17:00
6:33:00
15:30
3:23:00
6:46:00
16:00
3:30:00
6:59:00

So the  full chart actually starts at 6 minutes per mile but that is just stupid pace so I cut it down a bit. In 2013 we completed the half marathon in just under 3.5 hours – so very very slow but then we hadn’t really trained –  we’d never made it past 10km. I am looking at our pace now – 12.55 minutes per mile for the 9 miles the other week with a bit left in the tank at the end – and wouldn’t it be just amazing to complete our upcoming half marathon in under 3 hours – maybe even closer to 2 hours 45 mins than 3 hours? And then aim for a marathon finish somwherere between 5.5 and 6 hours. I get quite giddy at the thought of that. Too giddy. This was never about a time, this is just meant to be getting round and enjoying it. But, but.. but just look, the time allowed is 16 minutes per mile. Even on our slowest days we are significantly faster than that. I MAY NOT COME LAST! OMG I may actually not come last.

Thursday – crashed with a weak middle

Jess Guth4 Comments

Well I’m doing well aren’t I. After my panic attack yesterday morning I then went to bed early (like 9pm) and read a little bit and fell alseep quickly – for about 90 minutes. Then I woke up. And stayed awake, and stayed awake and stayed awake. I finally dozed off again around 4.30am and when 6am came I was just exhausted and tearful and generally not coping. I hate that feeling, I am a successful, strong and pretty competent woman and should be able to keep my shit together… but no. I can’t, or not all the time anyway. I felt – as you’d say in Yorkshire – proper poorly. So back to sleep I went – until 11.45am. I think that’s what you call crashed.

Then I got up. My leg is still much the same as it was yesterday I think but I had the osteopath appointment this afternoon – possibly the only reason I actually made it out of bed. I wrote about the osteopath a bit back in May. but it is worth repeating: They are amazing. So I toddled off to the Practice, for anyone locally, they are in Keighley at Farfield House Clinic and they are worth bearing in mind for any niggles. I don’t really know how they compare on price but £40 for a session doesn’t strike me as massively expensive.

I saw the same guy as last time (seemed to make sense to me and he had apointments available when I phoned). I was, as I always am for any medical appointment, apprehensive. I tried my best to explain what had happened and he seemed to get it. I can’t quite explain how grateful I am not to be told to stop running or to lose more weight before I even think about running. So after a few tests which had me standing up and touching my toes, standing on one leg, leaning back, twisting my torso etc he examined the muscles in my leg. The good news – I am flexible (for my age – the ‘for my age’ bit being added is a new development!) and the yoga we’ve been doing is clearly working. There is now hardly a difference between left and right in terms of flexibility which is good. The bad news – I’m a bit weak round the middle. Basically the niggle I have comes from the top of my legs and hips not being strong enough. It’s a common issue and thankfully it has an easy solution – strengthen the weak bits. After a little bit of work on the back of my right hip which I can now feel but which I’m sure will be tons better tomorrow, I was shown to simple exercises to do.

The first one is the Monkey Squat. There are loads of videos and descriptions out there but I quite like this one because it is simple. Basically you stand with your feet hipwith apart and then go to sit down on a chair but don’t, stand back up. The second exercise is even simpler – all you need is some stairs. you put your foot on the second step up (facing up) and then step up (hold onto something for balance if you need to) and then lower back down. If you don’t cheat and use momentum or pull yourself up this does work – I did a few on my left side to practise earlier.

As well as these exercises I think I will have to get over myself and start doing the strength session from the yoga app rather than sticking to the flexibility and relaxation ones. Anyway, all in all good news. I haven’t been told to stop running, not even for a short time and it looks like the 11 miler may be on for Saturday – as long as I can stop feeling poorly and sleeping all the bloody time.

Wednesday – still grumpy

Jess Guth4 Comments

Today has not been a good day. We went for a run on Monday. My right leg was a bit tight and almost sore as we set off but it loosened up and was then fine. It was a hard but ok run and I took two walk breaks out. I think the pace was just under 11 and a half minutes per mile. I was quite excited because it meant we didn’t have any gaps on our training plan and we were ready to start week 10. On Tuesday we spent the morning at Kilnsey Show and then came back home and got ready to run in the afternoon. We set off, my leg was stiff and sore – same as Monday really but this time it didn’t ease. By the time we got down to the canal it was painful. I thought it might ease once on the flat rather than going downhill. It didn’t. We stopped. It was so utterly frustrating and of course there were tears. I am trying really hard to be patient. No running today. My calf is tight and there is a niggle further up my leg into my hip and I think the problem may be that my hamstring is really tight. I have an appointment with the osteopath tomorrow so we’ll see what he says. No more running this week anyway.

So instead I have been looking at running routes and we have figured our an 11 mile route for Saturday (fingers crossed I’ll be ok) and also looked at what we can do along the cannal without having to run the same route again and again. So the 11 mile route for Saturday is Bolton Abbey to Burnsall and back – along the river Wharfe. I won’t spoil it, I’ll share details of the route when we actually run it. There are options along the canal with starting points in Shipley, Saltaire or Crossflatts so I think we’ll be ok – conveniently marathon distance is Leeds to home-ish along the canal so we know where we’ll be running for the really really long practice run!

I also had a little panic attack this morning and that slight sense of panic hasn’t really left me today. It probably hasn’t got anything to do with running or rather not running but I don’t think that’s helped. Anyway I am reasured that you don’t lose fitness by not running for a few days so I am hoping we’ll be ok for the long run and then can build from there.

So as not to lose focus but also to remind myself that I really do need to do this right and if my leg isn’t right I’ll just have to wait until it is, I have spent some more time looking at all the work Panthera do. For example, have a look at the Cougar Channel for loads of little video clips  (I quite like the greet and play) or if you feel like you need a brain workout have a look at the publications – I loved reading some of them but I really wish I was more of a scientist to help me make sense of it all.

If you value the work Panthera do or you’re just feeling generous or just want to support us please consider sponsoring us or donate to Panthera directly. Thank you.