I’ve not run for a little while and I don’t really know why. Can’t. Something is going on in my head. When I am not in a position to run I look forward to it and plan when I can go and it all feels positive and good but when I have the time I can’t. It’s all in my head of course but it feels like I physically can’t move off the sofa or wherever I am. Sitting on the train home this week I have looked forward to a run. Arriving home the idea of going out again filled me with paralyzing fear.
Yesterday I left the senior leadership team meeting (don’t, just don’t), walked to the station, got on the train, propped my way too heavy head against the window and let my eyes fall shut. ‘You’re ‘that’ kind of tired, aren’t you? I said to myself. ‘Hmmm’. I replied trying not to doze off. ‘No, you need to know this. You’re ‘that’ sort of tired’. I woke up in a bit of a flap at Bingley – the station before mine. But I was right, I do need to pay attention to the fact that I am ‘that’ sort of tired. Tiredness that doesn’t really allow sleep at all or forces way too much sleep, tiredness that isn’t about sleep, that sleep makes little difference to, tiredness that is more mental than physical. Tiredness that makes thinking difficult. The last time I felt this tired, well let’s just not go there.
So I need to get back running, I need to acknowledge this ‘that sort of tired’ feeling and think carefully about what is causing it – to figure that out I need to run and I think I probably need to run far and on my own. Both of those just seem impossible just now. But we’ve been here before haven’t we. So, I once again invite you to come on the roller coaster ride with me. I’m hoping for a short ride but do hang on just to be safe.