Category: Depression

Building strength

Jess Guth2 Comments

As I mentioned I went to the doctor on Monday and I am signed off work. It is odd being off work without being the kind of ill that requires me to stay in bed or whatever. It feels wrong and I am struggling with that and I am feeling guilty about not being at work. At the same time I know I am not ok and not well enough to work. So  I mean building strength in both the physical and the mental sense.

Today we started a 4 day section of our training programme which aims to build strength and stamina. It consists of 4 days of back to back running/walking with mileage increasing. We started with a 45 minute run today and went to Bolton Abbey to do it. I have described the route previously. I enjoyed it today. We started by running for 11 minutes without a break – we decided it was about time we tried that out because the chances of being able to drop straight into our planned intervals for the marathon are slim to none. If we can run the first 10 minutes or so the early congestion will have sorted itself a bit.

For the rest of the loop we stuck to 2 minutes running and 1 minute walking except for the hill past the strid – we walked up that which took longer than a minute and when we got to the steepest hill we finished our run 30 seconds early and walked. I did however also take a walk out on the hilly bit and ran the last 9 minutes without walk break. We did the 45 minutes at a 13.07 minutes per mile pace which is just about the fastest we’ve done that loop. Pace wasn’t important though. I enjoyed the run. I enjoyed the clarity of mind I had during and immediately after the run.

The clarity didn’t last long at all but while I was running I felt like my brain was functioning as it should. I got a tiny little step closer to making sense of some things – just a tiny little step in a very long way but it’s a start. Now it’s about regaining that clarity on every run and trying to hang onto it for longer. It’s about building the mental strength I need not only to complete the marathon but to get myself back to a point where I no longer need my sofa to be my safe space!

Physically building strength is going better than mentally. I could definitly feel the 17 miles in my legs but after 10 minutes or so I settled in and pushed on and I was quite surprised  how well I had recovered from Monday. I am definitly stronger than I was even a few months ago.

So another 45 minute run tomorrow, then a 9 mile walk on Saturday and a 20 mile run/walk on Sunday. One foot in front of the other both physically and mentally

Reflections on 17 miles

Jess Guth6 Comments

Yesterday’s post was drafted in a hurry while still glowing from the run and feeling pretty good about the running. Let’s have another look at it in the cold light of day. So the simple fact is, yesterday I ran/walked 4 miles further than I ever have before. That in itself was a win, a huge win. I slept well for about 2.5 hours after getting into bed – then I woke up again and the rest of the night was a bit hit and miss. I did spend some time thinking about what went well and what didn’t yesterday though:

The ‘need to do better’:

  1. We didn’t fuel that well before the run – we weren’t sure if we were going for a long run, a short run, a run at all or exactly when. It wasn’t a disaster but we need to pay more attention to what we eat in the days running up to the big one! We should be fine for the meals  as we’ve made Disney Dining reservations already but it’s the inbetween snacky things
  2. I wasn’t hydrated enough. I might have said before but I am really rubbish at drinking enough during the day. I wasn’t dehydrated but I wasn’t really properly hydrated either. This is worrying me. Maybe buying a silly disney water bottle and having it with me constantly will make me drink enough pre race. I need to be really hydrated pre race as I am also not great at drinking during – makes me feel queasy – keep messaging me saying ‘water!’
  3. Warm up – what warm up. We walked down the hill… Need to do more here – might help keep niggles away for longer
  4. The Garmin – hm. I usually love that watch. I like that it beeps and tells me when to run and I like even better when it beeps to tell me to walk. But yesterday it had a wobble, re-set itself at 8 miles and then with about 2 miles to go just started beeping every second and wouldn’t stop. It also stopped telling us when to run/walk with about 3 miles to go… need to look at what went on there.
  5. Yoga afterwards – we did 10 minutes and that is great – but we should probably have done another session after our bath etc and before bed

The ‘oh my goodness, I might be able to do this’ bits:

  1. 17 miles!
  2. 17 miles within RunDisney pacing requirements!
  3. No niggles, mentally or physically until mile 9
  4. No real mental niggles until after half marathon distance and even they were very minor and kicked into touch with a couple of repeats of ‘We are totally awesome’
  5. Half marathon time close to the personal best from the September half marathon race. Don’t know exactly what it was but it was around 3 hours
  6. Fuel during race seemed to work for me – porridge bar and chocolate although the next long one will have to be done without chocolate  – chocolate and Florida is not a good combination and chocolate really didn’t work for Kath, she nearly puked.
  7. I enjoyed being out. I can honestly say that until mile 16 and a bit I was enjoying myself. The walk up the hill was awful but that’s what you get for living up a hill. I’m holding on to the fact that next time I walk up it it will feel so much easier because I haven’t run/walked 16.5 miles to get to it!

So how do I feel today? Well I can feel in my legs that I ran further than I ever have before. My legs feel a little achey but nothing really hurts. Nothing is making me miserable and nothing feels like I should be worrying about it. I’m not running today (and because of my depression/anxiety issues at the moment I am actually a little scared of not running today!) but will keep doing 15 minutes of yoga here and there and stretch everything out properly. I might also finally get that foam roller out…

17 Miles of Awesome…

Jess Guth5 Comments

… well I might be exaggerating a little there but in the context of today having completed a 17 mile run/walk feels pretty awesome. This morning I went to the doctors and my anxiety and depression indicators on a mood questionnaire are through the roof. I am signed off work until at least 14th December. I have very mixed feelings about being off work but that’s not what this blog is about – the doctor was supportive of the running though so – onwards.

So Kath rearranged her work commitments to make time for a long run this afternoon. We couldn’t do our planned 17 mile route because some of it is still under water and we couldn’t get a train to the start of it because they were all cancelled because of flooding. So, a there and back it was then.

We walked down the hill to the canal and then started our 2 minute running intervals with 1 minute walk breaks. I’d decided last minute to ask Kath to try this with me because I was struggling with the 2 minute runs and 30 second walk intervals. We set off. For the first time I was wearing long sleeves and a t-shirt over the top and my jacket. After a couple of runs I took the jacket off. Then onwards. I felt fine. All was good, the canal was showing its autumn glory. We seemed to get to Bingley and then Saltaire quite quickly. 2 minute runs with 1 minute walks seemed to work. I could keep the the walks really strong and still recover quite a lot. At just about 5.5 miles we shared a porridge bar and had some water. As we got past 6 miles we were in unchartered territory on the canal. Neither of us had ever walked along that stretch. We kept going for another 2 and a bit miles along. I still felt fine but I had slowed a little.

At just before 8 miles the garmin had a wobble – it had run out of space for data and re-set itself. We were at that point doing a roughly 12.45 minutes per mile pace. At around 9.5 miles my hip started to niggle. Kath suggested we just walk a little and get ourselves sorted. We walked fast for maybe 8-10 minutes or so and then we tried a 2 minute run again. I can’t say it was comfortable but it was ok. I was sort of excited that I had made it to 10 miles before any real niggles but also a little worried that there were another 7 miles to go.

We walked a bit  – making an effort to stride out – and then kept putting in little runs for 2 minutes. We got to Bingley and then walked up the slopes at the 5 Rise Locks. I was amazed that I still felt quite positive and was still enjoying it inspite of little niggles in my right hip and both calf muscles. We were at Crossflatts  – wow, this was home territory – I have run this stretch 10s of times. We ran a bit – kept going beyond the 2 minutes until we came to the next road. We crossed the road and kept going (it was getting a bit dark now but I didn’t mind because this stretch of the canal is very familiar), after a little walk we managed another 5-6 minute run and then another walk. Then we hit the last bridge before home and as soon as we emerged from under that we ran – we just kept plodding, one foot in front of the other until we hit the bridge that signals our turn off the canal and up the hill to home. We had done about 16.5 miles and instead of running on decided to make the walk up the hill home part of the 17 miles. The walk uphill was horrible and quite painful but that didn’t detract from the fact that we had actually just managed 3 roughly 5 minute runs with short walks inbetween at the end of a long run/walk. No dragging my butt along, no tears, no meltdowns, no tantrums. Just a strong finish. It took almost exactly 4 hours – Just over 14 minutes per mile pace – slow, yes, obviously, this is me – but well within Disney Pace and without that bloody hill, I could have kept going.

We did 10 minutes of yoga for post-run, had a bath and leftover squash and spinach lasagne and veggies. I’m ok, tired but ok. I’m going to bed now in the hope that being physically tired will let me rest and get some good quality sleep, at least for a little while.

Oh and I ‘forgot’ (I didn’t forget, I just didn’t want to know) to get on the scales yesterday so hopped on today. I have lost about half a pound

Goal 4: Put one foot in front of the other – or the one where I show you my short run loop

Jess Guth2 Comments

Earlier today I posted that I was about to go for a run. Well I managed to get out the door but to be honest it was all a bit much. I didn’t feel like I could run really. I just wanted to turn round and come back in. The sheep needed feeding though and I’d already said to Kath that I’d go. So, in an effort to make this less about running and more about being out and having fun I took my phone to take pictures of our short run loop. It’s about 4 miles from front door to front door but we don’t run the last half mile – you’ll see why later and it’s a nice warm down. So, come with me…

We start on our road, run to the end and turn left. It’s a nice gentle downhill to start off with. When we started running at the start of the year I could barely make it to the end of our road without my heart rate going through the roof and my legs feeling like led. It took a little longer for me to be able to run to the end of the next road even though it’s all downhill.

At the end of the road we turn right and hit the first hill. It took me ages to be able to run up it. Not sure the pictures really show it that well but it’s a steady pull  with a brief flat section and a few steeper metres at the end before another left turn

Then a short downhill which flattens out as we run the last residential street for a while. We then join a track which takes us past our sheep, into and through a little wood and down the golf course.

Going this way round I like the little slope that drops us onto the track – it’s short so not scary and that feeling of your legs being faster than the rest of you reminds me of being a kid. It’s always nice to run past the sheep and see if they are ok. We didn’t run past today, we stopped and fed them – there’s 8 in this field.

When we combine feeding sheep with a run we walk the bit inbetween fields. I didn’t take a picture of field 2 today – that’s where we currently have 3 ram lambs. In field 3 we have 6 ewe lambs and one of our bottle fed ewes we are not lambing next year. The views are pretty stunning on this stretch.

Immediately after the sheep field comes my nemesis – a slope that doesn’t look like much and yet it gets me every time. It is narrow, muddy and feels so so much steeper than it looks. At the top it opens out in the wood and that is one of the most welcome sights ever on this loop. It’s a few steps on the flat and then down the golf course with stunning views (which I haven’t really captured – instead focusing on the path!). Once down the golf course we cross the car park and head down the last little bit of track to the Leeds Liverpool canal.

The rest of the run is flat now  – all along the canal. We turn round at the bridge above (apologies about the silly baseball cap back to front pic – it kept blowing off when on properly) and head back in the direction we came from.

I love the canal views – they change with the seaons and are always interesting. Today, Kath spotted a kingfisher in a tree on the otherside of the canal. I coudln’t spot it but then it flew off – streak of colour flying low above the water. We walked a bit to see if we could sport it again but it was gone. We saw it again further along and again stopped to see if we could see where it had gone but gone it had.

The run finishes at the next canal bridge or sometimes further along the canal depending on our pace. From that canal bridge we walk home – one of the reasons we don’t run home are the hills:

Once up this hill we are back on the route where we started – just a few more steps and then a left turn back into the road that was the first downhill on the way out – now it’s uphill and that gentle slope feels rather less gentle. The pub on the left is always tempting and when we’re not in serious training anymore I reckon we might make that the end point and have a pint and packet of crisps as a treat after a long run!

And then we are home.

It was again nice to be out and my brain functioned a bit better during and immediately after the run. I feel like I achieved something at least today. It was also nice to see that even with our stops to find the kingfisher we were still at 13.5 minute per mile pace so when we’re out there we are within pace – all we need to do is get out there! One foot in front of the other…

Goal 3: Get out the door

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It may not look like it to anyone watching or looking in but I’m having a full blown fight with my black labrador puppy – it’s screaming at me and I am being quietly determined if a little shakey and scared. The little bitch is full of energy this morning – my energy and I want it back. My head is full and cluttered and noisy – I can’t really focus on anything. I have got up off the sofa to do something at least twice today and in the time it took me to stand up I’ve forgotten what it was I was doing. Kath was talking to me and I just heard words but my brain wouldn’t process them. I don’t know what she said. Not being able to think clearly is really uncomfortable for me. I’m an academic, my life is about thinking clearly.

I managed to go to sleep quite quickly last night but I woke up at 2am. I was awake for ages then. Eventually I fell asleep again. When I woke up at 8ish I kept dozing on an off putting off the inevitable ‘I have to get up now’. One step at a time… remember. If it was all too much I could always go back to bed. Goal one is just getting out of bed, doesn’t matter for how long and anyway I needed to pee. I got up. Kath made me coffee and a bagle and I sat on the sofa – my designated safe space. I opened emails and didn’t shut them again immediately. I dealt with a few. And breathe. I cried a bit.

I checked Facebook and Twitter – there were more lovely messages. I cried more. I played candy crush and soda crush and completed a level I’d been stuck on for months. I cried again. I somehow miss that level – I’d stopped playing to complete it, I played it for some odd sense of familiarity – gone now. I had mug of hot water. Then I had this sudden need for order and planning and being on control of absolutely everything. So I tried to remember what we had agreed about our training last night. We went over the training plan and worked out what we had missed and therefore how far behind we were. It’s not actually that bad and we have a plan, a sensible plan not a reckless plan, to get back on track. I remembered – my brain does still function a bit. I’m not sharing the revised plan because that feel like an awful lot of pressure. Let me see how I go for a few days.

Next I booked our train tickets to and from London for our Disney trip and for 2 December work trips (London and Nottingham) – very carefully and with triple checking. There, achieved something.

Goal 2: Get dressed in running gear. I went upstairs for no particular reason, I just found myself there. ‘I’m here, I might as well get dressed’, I thought. I put running gear on. Then I returned to the sofa. So where’s the puppy in all of this? Well it is rolling around in a sunny patch on the floor laughing hysterically at me. As I ate the bagle with peanut butter it mocked me about calories etc; as I dealt with the emails it just sat there smirking waiting for a mistake, as I booked the train tickets my head was so full of noise I worried about booking the wrong date or the wrong times… As I got dressed in my running gear the pup’s giggles were deafening. I don’t have the energy to shout back or make it be quiet. All I can do is take one step at a time. It screams at me and I let it, I shout back by doing something I don’t think I can. I have got up and I have got dressed…

…and now, I am going for a run