Category: Depression

Kingfisher taking us home

Jess Guth7 Comments

So, 20 miles is a long way! Our long runs haven’t exactly gone to plan so it was good to get out and get it done today. We were sort of hoping we might get 23 in but that would have meant going quite a long way past home and coming back and I just wasn’t up for that mentally today.

So, here’s how it went:

  1. Wake up repeatedly in the night worrying about not being hydrated enough and to go to the loo because I clearly was hydrated enough
  2. Get up at 6am, pull on running gear, eat bagle with peanut butter, drink mug of hot water.
  3. Drive to Mum’s place at the bottom of the hill, get bus to station, get train into Leeds.
  4. Toilet stop, bottle of water and a short walk to the Leeds-Liverpool canal and we were off.
  5. First bit of Cliff bar (oh my goodness, the sugar rush) at about 6 miles
  6. Going quite well along the canal for a bit longer
  7. Canal towpath shut with diversion instructions next to useless – couple of miles or so of randomly following road/footpath vaguley in the right direction. Mentally really struggling with things not going to plan – walking a fair bit
  8. Met lovely bloke with lovely dog who gave us directions. Ran a bit
  9. Found canal
  10. 10 miles- first niggles and some additional walking
  11. Oh my goodness we made it to Shipley! More Cliff bar and a mobile catering van for water
  12. Saltaire – but shop boat shut so no more water
  13. Reversal of intervals – running one minute, walking 2. Hips now very tight and back beginning to ache
  14. Mentally nothing left. Resisting urge to call up in a ball and cry
  15. Called Mum to give her an ETA with 3.5 miles left
  16. Don’t remember – it hurt a bit but I just put one foot in front of the
    Common_Kingfisher_Alcedo_atthis
    This photo was taken by Andreas Trepte at http://www.photo-natur.de. I got it from Wikipedia

    other and then I saw the now almost familiar flash of blue. For about a mile or so we ran with a kingfisher. It kept flying out and then stopping a little further down the canal. We stopped to watch it just sitting on a branch and when it flew off we followed again. It kept me going.

  17. Half a mile left – I ran for 3 minutes.
  18. Less than a quarter of a mile left – we ran out of intervals on the garmin and had to restart it.
  19. 4 hours, 59 minutes and 20 seconds after we started we completed 20 miles. Slow but within RunDisney required minimum pace.

What did I learn?

  1. We need more water along the way. The small bottle to start and one at Shipley wasn’t enough, we both felt the lack of water later on
  2. I need to fuel more in the second half of the run – I had a bit of my Cliff bar at 6 miles and at 11ish but then nothing. Partly that’s a water issue, I don’t like eating anything without water. I only had about half the bar – I’ll need a full one for 26 miles – possibly even 1 and a half.
  3. I am mentally struggling at the minute – I’m tired and I don’t have anything left to push through when the running gets tough. I didn’t deal well with the diversion – it zapped all my energy
  4. I also didn’t deal well with the fact that I couldn’t keep to the intervals – I really wanted to be able to do that and not doing so zapped more energy because I started second guessing my ability to do this thing.

We got to Mum’s, had some water and a banana and then drove home. We did some stretches, had a bath and then great recovery food – a chicken breast on quinoa and mixed grains with avocado and cherry toms. Yummy.

Chicken on quinoa
Chicken breast on quinoa with avocado

I feel a little sore but I can move, my feet are in one piece and I suspect my hips are going to be tight tomorrow but let’s see!

Possibly entering panic mode

Jess Guth6 Comments

I didn’t sleep well – so be warned.

During the night I managed to convince myself that things went all wrong yesterday. We didn’t run the 23 miles, we only got out for a short loop. I huffed and puffed my way round that and it wasn’t even that fast. 26.2 miles – what was I thinking.

I had chocolate cake mid morning and a take-away curry in the evening with a bottle of beer. I am behind on the training, not losing weight and struggling even with the little bit of running I’m doing… I am very much in ‘I can’t do this’ mode. In fact every little bit of me is screaming at me to just go hide under the duvet until the 11th January when it will all be over.

Add to that the running anxiety dreams that started a little while ago. I have 3 that repeat and I had all three last night in my fits and starts of sleep. The first is me running our home loop and as I get to the slope that goes from the little wood to the golf course I slip, fall and break my leg. I’m going to have to refuse to go that way.

The second is that I get my days muddled and turn up at the startline a day late. The third is the worst. I start and within the first mile everyone – even those starting way back, have overtaken me. I keep going and all the way along spectators are telling me I should have stayed at home and not bothered etc. Then I can see the finish line and with just about 5 steps to go I get pulled and told they’d waited far too long already and had to close the course and when I ask if I can just finish and get the medal I’m told that for such a pathetic attempt there are no medals.

Feeling rubbish – hope you have a better Monday

Walking in the Rain

Jess Guth3 Comments

The marathon training plan had a 4 mile walk yesterday and a 10 mile walk today. I was quite looking forward to both of these because walking isn’t scary – I can walk. The 4 miles yesterday we did once Kath had finished work and we fed the sheep on the way – it was just a nice little walk really even though neither of us could really be bothered. We just walked round in almost, but not quite, grumpy silence and ticked it off.

Today we had the 10 miles to do. We walked the 5 ish miles to Saltaire, had lunch and looked round Salts Mill (I bought a pair of shorts!) and then walked back. It’s probably a bit more than 10 miles door to door because the 5 miles were measured from the canal rather than from home when we ran it I think. It was drizzly on the way there but on the way back it was raining quite heavily for most of the way and we got soaked to our knickers. Still, it was nice to be out.

Walking doesn’t help with my depression/anxiety in the same way running does. Running gives me clarity and headspace that I am very conscious of, walking just helps me not think about anything at all. It’s probably at least as valuable because I suspect it is just letting my brain do its thing to get itself better. I noticed that after a little while surrounded by people I was overwhelmed by noise and busy-ness in my head. I was desperate to get back onto the near deserted canal towpath.

It was a good day for seeing birds along the canal. We saw a kingfisher early on and then a kestrel a bit further on. There were lots of ducks, geese and a few swans on the canal and we also saw some gulls. There were the usual blackbirds and blue tits, a few chaffinches and great tits but we also saw goldfinches and long tail tits. I do like them, they’re like little darts whizzing around and they always sound cheerful

It was good to get home and get into a warm bath and thaw out. It is funny how perception of distance changes – walking to Saltaire used to feel like a really really long way. Today walking there and back didn’t feel like such a big deal really. I was ready to be home with about a mile to go but that was just because I was soaked and getting quite cold. We’ve had a lovely tea of pasta with feta cheese, avocado and chorizo and are now both resting and drinking stupid amounts of water ready for our 23 mile training run tomorrow. I’d rather not think about that too much…

Do I or Don’t I?

Jess GuthLeave a comment

Yesterday was a rest day on the training plan. No running, no clarity, no headspace… Yesterday was a funny day and in many ways a day of two halves. I felt ok-ish in the morning. Worrying a lot about not being at work and all the stuff that therefore will never get done but I felt relatively calm. Then I went out for lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen for ages and it was good to have a catch up even though neither of us was firing on all cylinders. It was lovely to be out and lovely to see my friend. Then I got home and was exhausted, totally exhausted and drained and tearful and crappy. I retreated to the sofa for the rest of the day – literally.

Today my body feels rested and ready to run – no effects from the long walk left at all. My calf muscle is normal and any little aches I had Sunday are now definitly gone. Kath’s knee is still creaky so if I am going to do the 45 minute run today it will have to be by myself. Hm. I’ve only just had breakfast so I will have to wait a while before going anyway. Here’s what’s going on in my brain:

  1. I need to do a 45 minute run today – the plan says
  2. I want to run today – it will be good for my head
  3. I am already panicked about the marathon, missing a run will make that worse
  4. I should be panicked about the marathon, I can’t do a marathon
  5. I don’t think I can even run 45 minutes
  6. So I best not go because then I’d find out that I can’t run 45 minutes and then the marathon really is out of the question
  7. So if I just stay on the sofa we can all pretend that I might be able to do the marathon
  8. But then I definitly won’t make it round the course in January and then everyone will think ‘I knew she couldn’t do it’
  9. I’ll say ‘I knew I couldn’t do it’
  10. But I want to say ‘I didn’t think I could do it BUT I DID’
  11. So run your 45 minute run then you stupid woman
  12. Yes
  13. BUT
  14. No but – the plan says 45 minutes
  15. It’ll be good for my head
  16. Missing a run will make me worry more about the marathon
  17. I should be worrying about the marathon
  18. ..

This may take a while to resolve. I’ll let you know if I make it out the door.

Long walks, kit check and not doing the long run

Jess Guth3 Comments

Right now I am supposed to be roughly 4 miles into a 20 mile run (from Leeds to home along the Leeds-Liverpool canal) but that’s not happening. Apart from it being a change of plan I am ok about that. We were trying to catch up with the training plan but that turns out not to be very sensible. It would see us do 3 really long walks on Saturdays and long runs on Sundays for 3 consecutive weekends (the training plan actually has 2 ‘easy’ weeks inbetween). It’s too much and today our  bodies let us know. Kath has a twinge in her left knee which feels a bit like her right knee did just before it gave up the ghost for a while and if I am totally honest about it, my right calf muscle is screaming for a rest. So we did the sensible thing and turned this weekend into an ‘easy’ weekend and called the 10.68 miles walk yesterday it.

The walk was nice though. We walked from home along the Leeds-Liverpool canal to Skipton. We weren’t striding out  – just walking along nicely and the pace ended up being about 19 minutes per mile. We stopped at the post office on the way and had a couple of stops early on to watch the kingfisher whizz up and down the canal alongside us and then to watch a second kingfisher further along. It was cold, there was a dusting of snow on the hills and in places the wind was biting. It was nice to be out though. I wouldn’t say it cleared my mind but it stopped me thinking about anything at all. Once in Skipton we went into a pub for food and enjoyed a lovely beef stew before having a little look round the shops and getting the train home. So not much running news!

Skipton walk small
View on way to Skipton with flooded washland and snow capped hills

Last week I went through all my running gear and also bought the last bits and pieces I might need. So I now have a choice of kit to take. I tried the Salomon trainers I hadn’t worn yet on a short run and they were great. I will try them for one long run and providing they’re ok I will take them and my New Balance ones and see how I feel on the day. I have 4 pairs of 3/4 length running pants (including a new pair and a pair I have had years which I can now fit into – for the first time since 2013 and fit in easily for the first time ever!) and I also have a selection of t-shirts and vests to choose from. I will have one last trying on session before I pack but it is looking pretty good. I also have a new Shock Absorber Ultimate Run Sports Bra (catchy name!) which I am not 100% sure on yet. It is comfy and it eliminates bounce completely but there is something comforting about wearing an old worn in (out?) sports bra – like taking an old loyal supportive friend with you… We’ll see. Maybe the new one and I will bond over a long run next weekend. So the kit is sorted bar the final decisions about what travels with me.

It’s weigh in day. I have lost 2.4 pounds. I am really chuffed with that (it puts me on a round number) and it means I have now lost exactly 2.5 stone this year – that’s 35 pounds – that’s 15.8 kg. With every pound that comes off the running gets a little bit easier – there’s less of me to drag round and that in turn makes it easier to keep the weight off and keep losing a bit more. I’d love to shift another half stone before the marathon to make it a round 3 stone loss on 2015. That would be great but I am just going to keep going as I have been – running, eating relatively healthily and doing yoga most days.

I don’t quite know what to do  with myself today – the plan was run 20 miles which was going to take most of the day… I’m not good with changes of plan at the moment so I am on my safe sofa for now. I’ll do more yoga later, more blogging, more Disney planning, more writing… more anything as long as it means I don’t have to leave the sofa or engage with people