I didn’t sleep well – so be warned.
During the night I managed to convince myself that things went all wrong yesterday. We didn’t run the 23 miles, we only got out for a short loop. I huffed and puffed my way round that and it wasn’t even that fast. 26.2 miles – what was I thinking.
I had chocolate cake mid morning and a take-away curry in the evening with a bottle of beer. I am behind on the training, not losing weight and struggling even with the little bit of running I’m doing… I am very much in ‘I can’t do this’ mode. In fact every little bit of me is screaming at me to just go hide under the duvet until the 11th January when it will all be over.
Add to that the running anxiety dreams that started a little while ago. I have 3 that repeat and I had all three last night in my fits and starts of sleep. The first is me running our home loop and as I get to the slope that goes from the little wood to the golf course I slip, fall and break my leg. I’m going to have to refuse to go that way.
The second is that I get my days muddled and turn up at the startline a day late. The third is the worst. I start and within the first mile everyone – even those starting way back, have overtaken me. I keep going and all the way along spectators are telling me I should have stayed at home and not bothered etc. Then I can see the finish line and with just about 5 steps to go I get pulled and told they’d waited far too long already and had to close the course and when I ask if I can just finish and get the medal I’m told that for such a pathetic attempt there are no medals.
Feeling rubbish – hope you have a better Monday
really (not) a runner 
Hang in there. You’ve gotten further than I did (I got hurt because of some stupid decisions). You’re gonna have days when you wonder why you’re doing this at all. But crossing that finish line will make it all worth it.
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Does running at all help your anxiety? I used to bike ride but had to give it up.
I wish you all the best. I know your feelings all too well. It’s a constant burden and I feel so isolated because no one I live with understands.
xoxo
Drem
https://ArtOfDrem.WordPress.com
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Hi Drem, Yes running does help I think. Running brings some kind or order to some of the chaos in my brain – not always for very long but it helps. It also helps because it is so easy to track progress – you can measure it in miles or pace so it can be a great reminder that the impossible is possible!
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That’s good! Keep running ❤
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Keep going. Things worth striving for are never easy.
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I think because you are so close now you are bound to feel all these things- I know I certainly did. I had all the dreams about breaking bones, getting swept etc. We also missed a long training run due to injury and I was anxious about that too, but in the end you have put in the hard work and the hours and you had to do what was safe in the horrible weather yesterday (scariest drive home of my life btw!!!). I think however annoying and horrible they are, the things you are feeling right now are completely normal, and I hope in some way that can be reassuring! Xx
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