Category: Depression

Hmph

Jess GuthLeave a comment

I’ve had several titles for this blog post going through my head for most of today. Amongst them ‘9 Mile Meltdown’, ‘No 9 miles’, ‘Can’t do 9 miles’… As you may guess, today didn’t go well. Of course it didn’t. I have been doing far too well generally, feeling pretty good about running, looking after myself, sleeping better and eating yummy healthy stuff for most of the time. So just to avoid any sort of complacency  and to remind me that I have some way to go to regain my mental health fully, my mind decided it wasn’t going to play nice today.

I woke up fine, Kath even brought me porridge in bed and then I got sorted. I felt more nervous about the distance than I expected and my tummy was a little unsettled but we were going and that was fine. We left the car at my Mum’s because she lives at the bottom of the hill and we thought at the end of 9 miles we might not want to have to drag ourselves up the hill. Then we were going to catch the bus to the station and the train to Skipton and then run back. Well the bus didn’t come when it was due and the live departure board suggested it was still 12 minutes out. We waited a bit longer and there was no sign of the bus which meant that we would now miss the train and would soon be in danger of missing the next one too. So we gave up on the Skipton idea and decided to just run along the canal towards Bingley and then back. I felt relatively settled and ok with that idea.

With that we set the watch to 3 minute running and 1 minute walking and set off. We’d run less than a minute when I burst into tears. Not really sure why but I was just overwhelmed with the feeling of not being able to do it. Not just a few little doubts and tears, you understand, oh no, full blown sobbing, snotty, blotchy face kind of a mess. We gave up, went to the co-op for cheesy rolls and bacon, went home, made sarnies and coffee and sulked. Well I sulked.

Actually the rest of the day hasn’t been too bad. We got our shopping done and have deep cleaned a lot of the house in a, probably futile, attempt to get our cats’ fleas under control. I’ve spent a lot of time dusting, vacuuming, and combing cats with a flea comb and drowning fleas in a glass of water. Doesn’t sound like much – BUT  I have spent maybe 10% of my day on the sofa and when I have been on the sofa, like now, I’ve spent it watching the dressage phase of the Olympic 3 day eventing. This is good. This is progress. So although my mind had a bit of a hissy fit this morning, I don’t feel too bad now. The 9 miles will still be there another day. We may try tomorrow but Kath has a sore knee, so we may not. We’ll see. I’m a little grumpy about the run and I think the title of this post sums it up nicely. Hmph!

 

5km Puddle Plod

Jess GuthLeave a comment

Yesterday evening we were in need of something positive. I’d struggled through the day battling the urge to go and hide under the duvet. By 7pm I hadn’t really done anything at all. So we went for a run. We decided to do our last RunDisney 5km to complete the RunDisney Running Shorts Series. The Garmin died about 3/4 of the way along but as we were running out and back and had turned at exactly half way it didn’t matter. It was raining but it was quite nice running in the rain and sometimes dodging puddles and sometimes just running straight through them or even jumping in them.

We did the 5km in roughly 36 minutes – a little bit under possibly and I had 2 short little walk breaks of less than a minute each. It was a good run and I enjoyed bits of it even. I felt a bit dizzy again on the way home but it passed quickly and after some stretches, a bath and then some more yoga I actually felt pretty good and  once we went to bed I fell asleep quickly and slept well for a few hours.

Today has been a struggle. I have tried to get work done and concentrate as I am keenly aware that there is so much that needs doing. I have managed to get some stuff done but it has been punctuated by frequent retreats to the sofa and one brief running away to hide under the duvet. My brain’s not working right, it’s sluggish and chaotic and that’s quite scary. My hips have also been really tight today but have eased a bit after some yoga.

I’m in that funny catch 22 thing where I know I need to go run and push quite hard to get the benefits and clarity that the exercise brings but my black puppy has got hold of the back of my pants and is pulling me back to the sofa telling my that I am rubbish at everything – until it loosens its grip a little getting out is such a big effort that I am exhausted before I get out the door.

I guess all I can do is keep on plodding!

Tapering….

Jess Guth3 Comments

13 days to go to the big Walt Dinsey World Marathon Weekend kicks off with the expo, 17 to go to the marathon. I sort of feel ready and sort of totally not.

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For the first 3 days of tapering we might have taken the ‘take it easy and rest’ theme a bit too seriously on the running front. We did bugger all. Having said that though the weather was nasty and we were pre-occupied with a dog attack on one of our sheep and nursing the poor little thing back to health (more on that over on the sheep blog).

Yesterday we finally got out for a 45 minute run and it felt great to be out. It was a sunny day  – far too warm for December – about 12 degrees C. We set off down our road to the canal and turned left towards Bingley. We turned round after roughly 25 minutes and headed back. We ran all the way, no walk breaks. Didn’t feel like I needed any. When we finished I was surpirsed to see we’d run exactly  4 miles. I think we’ve only ever managed that pace on a 45 minute run once before. Now I did feel like I was pushing a little bit but I honestly thought it was just one too many mince pies and not nearly enough water that were making it all feel like hard work. It didn’t feel that fast.

I had a good dy yesterday. I felt almost well. My brain felt like it might just work normally. I felt good after the run. It felt like a normal day. I struggled later in the day when I got really tired after we’d walked round the neighbourhood dropping off mince pies at our mothers’ and the last of the Christmas presents but yesterday was a good day!

Forgetting Friday

Jess Guth6 Comments

After the giddy excitement of the last two days I suppose the come down was inevitable. Today I can barely make it off the sofa. I didn’t sleep well and this morning had a telephone appointment with the mental health service for a therapy assessment – turned out not to be a big deal and I am now on a waiting list for a stress management /anxiety course in the new year.

After that I was going to go for a run but the weather turned nasty so I didn’t. It’s gone down hill from there. I’ve felt rubbish about not being at work and all the stuff I’m not doing; I’ve been worrying about our sheep, I’ve been worrying about the travel for the trip, weather, delays… I have felt totally incompetent in pretty much everything.

Then I started worrying about the running, then about weight. I started the day quite healthily with muesli but then we had pizza and salad for lunch and then I was still hungry or bored or whatever and had a piece of quiche that was left, then I was still hungry and had a porridge bar… Then I worried about all of that and decided that the marathon was an utterly stupid idea anyway.

I picked up the last issue of Runner’s World to try and snap out of it but it is full of ‘proper runners’ and a marathon plan which just made me cry because it is so different from the one we’ve been following and it doesn’t look like anything I could do (neither does ours though, so…). I thought maybe looking at the Disney stuff would snap me out of it. I grabbed our folder (yeah, I know, we have a folder, how very me) and retreated to the sofa. It didn’t do the trick. I just started worrying about the dining reservations and wether we’d made the right call for pre and post race food, I started panicking about currency and wether we’ve ordered the right amount and when it will come; about what I’ve forgotten and what on earth I am going to take on our trip. Oh and actually, forget the trip because I shouldn’t be going, I should be, oh I don’t know but I shouldn’t be running a marathon.

So let’s just forget about today. Let’s just accept it for what it is. I’m obviously just worrying today – so let’s make today a worrying sort of day, watch crap TV, eat whatever and just start again tomorrow.

Post 20 Miles post

Jess Guth7 Comments

So it’s the day after the 20 mile day. Time to reflect on yesterday’s run. Well, good news I guess – nothing hurts. The toes on my right foot are a little tender and my hips are tight. I’ll do more stretches later.

I forget from long run to long run how hungry I get after. As I said we had a perfect recovery meal very quickly after the run and then we went out for tea –  early, before 5pm and I had another big meal (and chocolate cake – come on I just ran 20 miles!). I woke up hungry and I’ve been hungry ever since really. I had a bacon sarnie in the supermarket cafe before doing our food shop, our usual Saturday morning breakfast and I’ve nibbled my way through the morning and am now ready for lunch… I need to strategically place bananas, grapes and other healthy snacks so I don’t end up eating biscuits all afternoon.

I’m also tired. I didn’t sleep well again – probably because of the wind – it sounded wild out there. I was awake from just before 2am until who knows when and then from 7am ish. I was struggling to get comfy because my hips felt tight so I was tossing and turning a lot resulting in teh catten being attached to my feet a lot. And once awake of course my stupid brain kicks in.

So I have been over that 20 mile run/walk in detail, lots of detail. I shall spare you it all because it’s all depression induced crap. It’s all the usual ‘OMG how pathetic was I at that point’ and ‘I really should have done better there’ and ‘well if I can’t even cope there then let’s just forget the marathon…’. I think I might be getting a little stronger though, just a little, but still. My inner voice is still screaming at me to pull out and not embarrass myself; it’s still telling me I can’t do this but I’m a little more confident in the fact that it is probably a liar.