Yesterday I went for a little jog, you know to keep the legs moving. I ran 1.25 miles, some of it was muddy, some of it hills but it was only 1.25 miles and it was at 14 minutes per mile pace. That in itself doesn’t really matter. Slow is fine but I felt like I was dying out there. It was so hard, my lungs were burning and my legs were protesting. See, I can’t run.

After the initial ‘what the hell’ yesterday I stopped worrying about it and just thought it is just one of those funny things. I was tired after work, hungry and probably quite dehydrated. It was good to actually just get out and do a little bit. I was fine with that.

I’m not fine with that now. Nowhere near fine. How is it possible to feel that crap after 1.25 miles. What’s that all about. I’m never going to make it to 26.2. Aaargh. Ok I know I need to snap out of it. I know I need to trust the miles in my legs, the fact that I’ll be rested and properly fuelled and hydrated on the day, not to mention the adrenalin the occasion will bring. But FFS, 1.25 miles whatever the pace, I should not feel like my lungs are going to explode. It’s going to be a very very long 26.2 miles and the sofa and chocolate biscuit are ever more tempting.

Please share your taper nightmares with me here – it’ll make me feel better!

So first of all the response to my calls for sponsorship over the last couple of days has been fabulous – thank you all. If you’d  like to add your support please do here http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/jessguth It sounds really cheesy but seeing people sponsor me does actually help calm the nerves – it means people believe I can do this thing – or at least they hope I can.

So today I feel a little bit different but not much. I am still in ‘I can’t do this’ mode because I just don’t think I can but I am also having more classic marathon jitters. My thought process about getting to work this morning might explain. This all happens in my head before you worry too much:

1. I am getting up now
2. Why? It’s safe in bed
3. No, I am getting up now
4. Ok but don’t fall down the stairs
5. I’ve never fallen down the stairs, ever
6. Yes but you might…
7. I’m going to get the bus to work
8. Really?
9. Yes, why?
10. You’ll have to walk to the bus stop
11. Well, yes…
12. Downhill
13. Yes
14. You might slip and fall and break your leg and not be able to do the marathon
15. Hooray, or not, maybe not, ok I’ll drive
16. No, no don’t drive you might crash
17. ok I’ll walk, then bus
18. ok but walk the long way round and don’t go on the slippery bits
19. And don’t get on the bus if the driver looks dodgy
20. ?????

I got to the bus stop in one piece – funnily enough and this went on in my brain:

1. Your hamstring is tight
2. Yes
3. You’re injured
4. No, I’m just a bit tight, didn’t do any yoga
5. You’re injured
6. No
7. YOU ARE INJURED
8. No, no I’m fine
9. GO HOME YOU ARE INJURED
10. No I’m fine
11. NO – OH BUT DON’T GO HOME – THAT’S UPHILL
12. Shut up I’m getting on the bus

I’m at work, I’m fine but I am  in full blown marathon paranoia. if it hasn’t already tarted the roller-coaster of emotions starts here. I’ll let you know what tomorrow brings!

 

You know when I said I was fine? I’m not. I’m really not. I am at marathon panic stations, wtf am I doing kind of not fine. The thing is until this morning I was fine. I was worrying about logistics and things but worrying in a sort of ‘right, what needs doing, what maps do I need to print, have I got all my tickets and confirmations’ way. Now I’m in marathon meltdown.  I haven’t even been thinking about it much today. I was happily editing (well re-writing) a very very long overdue chapter and actually making progress to the point where I might actually finish this thing (that would be a miracle) and then it suddenly hit me – in 12 days time I am supposed to be running the London Marathon.

Well that’s just silly isn’t it. I can’t do that. I don’t run. I’m really not a runner, at all, ever. I don’t do things like that. I sit on the sofa and watch others do that. I listen to the stories others tell of their sporting heroics and smile, knowing I will never do that, I will never have those stories to tell. I can’t run a marathon. No way. So that’s where my brain is at the moment. That’s how I feel. Logically of course that doesn’t make sense. I have completed 26.2 miles before – just a few months ago in fact and I did so after having run the 3 consecutive days before. I did Dopey, didn’t I? It doesn’t feel real. Just because I have done a marathon before doesn’t mean that I think I can.

Dopey doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel like it was me that did that. It just doesn’t seem possible. I know that I know far more about running than I used to, I know what a sensible training plan is, I have learned loads about eating and fuelling and the importance of good underwear but I don’t actually feel that I can run. I don’t know I can run, what I know is that I can’t run because that’s the way it has always been. Today I am very much the fat kid at the back of the PE class. I see the evidence of my running achievements and of how much I have improved everywhere – the medals, the notes on the training plan, the garmin and yet I don’t believe the evidence. I am not a runner and only runners do marathons. So part of me just wants to hide and just not do it. I’m not going to be able to do it anyway so why bother trying. I don’t do things I’m not good at and I am certainly not good at running. Let’s just forget about this. Plead temporary insanity, put it all down to an early midlife crisis and retreat back to the safety of a chocolate biscuits and maybe a nice walk….

But I did do Dopey. That was me. I can feel the weight of the medal as a pick it up and look at it in disbelief. I remember the joy of running the 5k, the warm rain of the 10k, the community feel of the half marathon and the humidity, pain, dispair and extacy of the marathon. I remember knowing I couldn’t do that but I did. I remember thinking 26.2 would never come, but it did. I am scared, more scared than before Dopey, partly because I know what is coming and partly because Dopey was far far away in a magical place where pixie dust is real and this is London. You know, the London Marathon, the thing we watch on TV, the thing that proper runners do, not fat girls with stupid goals trying to prove that fat girls can and do run. I know I can’t do this but I also know I will.

So it’s been a while. I’ve been busy with lambing (that blog needs updating – I’ll post a link when I’ve done it. Just need to find an hour or so to sort through photos); Donna did her half marathon (fantastic job!); my friend Sammie did the Paris marathon (just brilliant!); I went to a conference and had some time off work, I went back to work and now here we are: 14 days to go.

I am no longer worrying about the running itself – what will be will be. Training hasn’t been ideal and lambing was somehow more exhausting than anticipated. I’ve had some good runs and some bad ones, I haven’t gone the distance I wanted to in training but there is that small matter of the Dopey Challenge which I am counting on for getting me through. I know the hell that is coming and I know I can come out the other side. That’s got to count for something.

So in two week’s time I’ll be roughly 2.5 hours into my second marathon. It’s also quite likely to be my last. I’m not sure I really like the obsession required to run a marathon. I think I might be much more of a half kind of a girl. Anyway, with 14 days to go here’s what I am worrying about

1. Logistics – how to get to the start line, when to set off from the hotel, how to get to the after party and how to get back to the hotel. Usually when I am in London I walk lots – but do I really want to bank on walking from the after party to the hotel? Possibly not
2. Sponsorship. I’ve done reasonably well raising money with a couple of raffles etc and online is now picking up too. It would be lovely if you could sponsor me too – I know many of you did for Dopey so it is a big ask but PLEASE: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/jessguth
3. Food 1: What am I going to eat over the next 2 weeks to make sure I am ready, healthy and well fuelled
4. Food 2: What (ok I know this) and when am I going to eat before the marathon and how does this fit with when I need to set off
5. Food 3: Fuelling during the run. Will I get this right this time? How hard can it be?
6. What to wear – My ideal kit is set but what if it is much cooler than anticipated, or chucking it down? I have my charity T-shirt and it fits well but that means I can’t wear the t-shirt that got me through Dopey or my previous half marathons. I feel a bit panicky about not wearing that.
7. Socks – I always worry about socks. If I get them wrong the whole thing will be so much more painful than it needs to be
8. 8. The expo – I’ve got to go obviously to pick up my race pack and I do want to go but I am soo not good with crowds of people at the moment…

I’m sure there are other things I’m worrying about but those are the things I am conscious of as I type. What are your marathon jitters?