Tag: depression

Goal 3: Get out the door

Jess GuthLeave a comment

It may not look like it to anyone watching or looking in but I’m having a full blown fight with my black labrador puppy – it’s screaming at me and I am being quietly determined if a little shakey and scared. The little bitch is full of energy this morning – my energy and I want it back. My head is full and cluttered and noisy – I can’t really focus on anything. I have got up off the sofa to do something at least twice today and in the time it took me to stand up I’ve forgotten what it was I was doing. Kath was talking to me and I just heard words but my brain wouldn’t process them. I don’t know what she said. Not being able to think clearly is really uncomfortable for me. I’m an academic, my life is about thinking clearly.

I managed to go to sleep quite quickly last night but I woke up at 2am. I was awake for ages then. Eventually I fell asleep again. When I woke up at 8ish I kept dozing on an off putting off the inevitable ‘I have to get up now’. One step at a time… remember. If it was all too much I could always go back to bed. Goal one is just getting out of bed, doesn’t matter for how long and anyway I needed to pee. I got up. Kath made me coffee and a bagle and I sat on the sofa – my designated safe space. I opened emails and didn’t shut them again immediately. I dealt with a few. And breathe. I cried a bit.

I checked Facebook and Twitter – there were more lovely messages. I cried more. I played candy crush and soda crush and completed a level I’d been stuck on for months. I cried again. I somehow miss that level – I’d stopped playing to complete it, I played it for some odd sense of familiarity – gone now. I had mug of hot water. Then I had this sudden need for order and planning and being on control of absolutely everything. So I tried to remember what we had agreed about our training last night. We went over the training plan and worked out what we had missed and therefore how far behind we were. It’s not actually that bad and we have a plan, a sensible plan not a reckless plan, to get back on track. I remembered – my brain does still function a bit. I’m not sharing the revised plan because that feel like an awful lot of pressure. Let me see how I go for a few days.

Next I booked our train tickets to and from London for our Disney trip and for 2 December work trips (London and Nottingham) – very carefully and with triple checking. There, achieved something.

Goal 2: Get dressed in running gear. I went upstairs for no particular reason, I just found myself there. ‘I’m here, I might as well get dressed’, I thought. I put running gear on. Then I returned to the sofa. So where’s the puppy in all of this? Well it is rolling around in a sunny patch on the floor laughing hysterically at me. As I ate the bagle with peanut butter it mocked me about calories etc; as I dealt with the emails it just sat there smirking waiting for a mistake, as I booked the train tickets my head was so full of noise I worried about booking the wrong date or the wrong times… As I got dressed in my running gear the pup’s giggles were deafening. I don’t have the energy to shout back or make it be quiet. All I can do is take one step at a time. It screams at me and I let it, I shout back by doing something I don’t think I can. I have got up and I have got dressed…

…and now, I am going for a run

Black dogs, running and the kindness of strangers

Jess Guth3 Comments

My black puppy can drive and it has just run me over with a truck. It’s sitting there all smug looking down on me ‘ha, you thought you were ok, didn’t you? You thought you were back on track and coping, didn’t you? You actually thought you were in control and slowly moving in the right direction, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Wrong!’ Depression’s a bitch – a small, black, fat labrador bitch in my case. At least the pup is female today, I’m not sure it always is – she’s got that icey voice, like fingernails on a chalkboard. She got me.

Yesterday was awful. I sat on the sofa for hours staring at my computer screen with tears streaming down my face. No real reason. I felt like I physically couldn’t move off the sofa, like there was an invisible cage holding me there. I tried to cheer myself up by looking at stuff for our January holiday, mapping out Disney itineraries and looking at the runDisney site to try and get excited about our adventure. I just cried more. Kath dragged me out to go see our sheep. I walked the mile there and the mile back putting one foot in front of the other. I watched our sheep, I smiled, I giggled at the ewe lambs getting all tangled trying to get to the  food but I didn’t really feel like I was there.

I went to bed, I slept a bit, I was awake a lot and then I couldn’t get up. I did eventually and sat on the sofa with my laptop. The f-ing bitch got me good and proper this time. I realised I was crying again. I opened my emails and closed them again – couldn’t face them. I opened the virtual learning environment to provide feedback on some work for my students – I stared at a few submissions but didn’t know what to say. My thoughts turned to running. ‘I could go for a run, that might help me feel better’ I thought. ‘hahahaha – funny. You CAN’T run’ came the instant reply from the puppy. I brought up the runDisney site and started searching for information on how to pull out of the race. ‘Good Girl!’ said the pup ‘Best not embarrass yourself’.

I sat for a bit and then did two things I didn’t think I’d do – I agreed to speak to a doctor. The last time I spoke to a doctor about mental health issues, the issue of exercise was raised and I mentioned running (this must have been not long after my friend Rachel died and we had started training for our first half marathon in 2012) I was told that I was far too heavy for running. That message has been repeated by every doctor I have seen since.They all say lose weight first. Anyway, I have an appointment for Monday. The second thing I did was post on a closed Facebook Group geared towards the Walt Disney World Marathon weekend training. I joined the group a while ago and I have found it really helpful to connect with others going through similar training programmes and having the same goals in mind. I suddenly thought that as I cannot expect much support for my running from the docs on Monday, other people in that group might have some suggestions as to how to put the puppy back in its place. I thought they might help me run through this episode of depression, they might keep me going and help me get to the start line. They might help me not quit.

I wasn’t expecting much but within minutes I had several wonderful responses, all of them telling me not to give up and all of them telling me to find another, more supportive doctor (I’d love to but they don’t seem to exist round here – is it NHS policy that anyone slightly overweight is told not to run anything above 5km?) and all of them telling me I can do this thing. The responses keep coming and they are all wonderful and it is hard to explain just how much they help. One person said she wished she could pick me up off the sofa and take me on the run she was about to start  – such a lovely gesture; another reminded me of the value of small goals and those two together made something click: I had already achieved goal one – get out of bed. Go me! Goal 2 was also within reach – goal 2 was just to get dressed in my running gear. I did that too. Then I faltered a little and went back to the sofa.

Kath was coming up to her lunch break so I told her I wanted to run. She had suggested that earlier but I’d just shaken my head and cried. We had agreed we would try and go see our sheep during her lunch break. I WANTED TO RUN. I just needed help actually leaving the house. We walked to the sheep. It didn’t feel like a fast walk, it was steady and it was roughly 17 minutes per mile I think so we probably could walk at 16 minutes which is runDisney minimum pace. I didn’t want the pressure of the garmin, I just wanted to be, so we just took my little stopwatch to have an idea of time generally. We stopped at the sheep and fed them all. All in all that took 27 minutes. Then we set off on our run. We usually run/walk following Galloway and have been doing 2 mins runs with 30 sec walks quite successfully for a bit recently. Today though we were just going to run/walk by feel. Once I got going I didn’t want to walk. Well I did, but not. The effort sort of felt real. It felt good to be running continuously at a pace that wasn’t fast but was just fast enough to make it feel hard, to make me wonder if I could sustain it for much longer, to make me focus on sustaining it and keeping going. We ran our loop without walking in 31 minutes 10 seconds and for that 31 minutes 10 seconds the fog in my brain lifted a bit. I felt a bit more like me. It took another 15 minutes to walk home (uphill) so we were actally out for nearly an hour 15 minutes.

I want to say thank you to all those people who took the time to post in response to my plea for help in the facebook group. It was the early posts that helped me make it out the door today and all the posts are amazing and supportive.I don’t know these people but we are all working towards the same challenge. There is a real sense of community there somehow that I wasn’t really expecting. I’m part of something and somehow, for my addled brain that is really important right now. We all have the same ultimate aim – crossing the marathon finish line vaguely in one piece on the 10th January 2016. We all have our demons, battles or puppies to contend with along the way and we will all help each other, through the next few weeks and during the challenge.

So yes, I am struggling, really struggling but I had a choice today – I could have done what I usually do, taken a deep breath, plastered a smile on my face and got on with the job by hiding under the duvet while insisting that I am fine or I could have asked for help to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I chose the latter. I may be suffering from a particularly nasty round of depression but I am determined to run through it and that determination comes from the kindness shown by a group of people who know nothing about me other than that I will run Disney in January and that I will cross the finish line

Thank you

The puppy won

Jess Guth4 Comments

After my 3 mile hell (see last post) things got worse. The plan was to get up early-ish  yesterday and get our working week off to a good start with a nice positive run. My gremlins and stupid depression mutt had other ideas. I did get up, tempting as it was to hide under the duvet. We set off. It felt physically hard but ok. I was doing it. My legs felt quite tired, I felt quite tired but hey, I was out, I was doing it. I dragged myself to the golf course – downhill from here for a bit. I get scared going downhill but it was ok, I felt pretty ok, just a bit tired. We turned towards Silsden on the canal. It was hard, really hard. Nothing really wanted to quite move. One foot in front of the other… I was slowing down. We got to where the nice path turns into track, just keep running. We turned and I was now definitly running slower than walking pace. I’d hit a physical brick wall. Everything hurt, one foot in front of the other just wasn’t possible and I had nothing left mentally to push through. Nothing at all. I did something I haven’t done for about 6 months (other than because of injury), I stopped. I was too exhausted to block out the negative voices, too drained to give the black stupid puppy dog a good kick, too ’empty’ to fight that sense of ‘I can’t do this.

It was a long walk back. I cried.

I will try again today

What (not?) to wear?

Jess Guth2 Comments

We went for another run today. We’re slowly moving up to running 45 minutes during the week rather than the 30 minutes. So today we headed out for 35 minutes. It was ok actually. One little ‘you stupid woman what are you doing’ moment during the 7th running section (still 2 mins running  and 30 sec walking) but we managed to take out a couple of runs in the second half. Pace of 12.14 minutes per mile; 2.86 miles. Still struggling with teetering on the edge of depression but I’ve been thinking of my black dog as a puppy today so I think I’m making progress

It’s been warm today and warm brings with it the need to think about clothes. Not something I do much of. I know what real runners wear, we have several issues of Runners World lying around. So just to be clear, short (lycra, cycling, running, whatever) shorts and a top that is basically no more than a sports bra are not an option. Not now, not ever. That’s just not me. But what is me? What should I wear for running? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t self-conscious. I am. I’m too heavy, I’d like to/need to loose maybe 3 stone ish. I’m currently a comfortable size 18 (UK) or an uncomfortable 16. I’ve got curves in the wrong as well as the right places. Running is a big deal so I need to feel confident as well as comfortable or I just won’t go.

Today I wore just some standard (Cotton traders I suspect) jog pants and a no sleeves top which is stretchy and therefore a little clingy. The tops was ok. The pants are too thick and heavy for this weather. So alternatives? I have some Roots 3/4 jog pants but they’re also too thick really. Comfy as anything but too thick. I have a pair of 3/4 length running pants from Gap – they’re tight lycra-ish and I am not sure about wearing them with the kind of top I wore today – I’d have to be feeling very brave. I have worn them with  normal cotton T-shirts but they are quite thick and the few t-shirts I have from previous races are clingy and not that comfortable. Hm. I may need to go and buy some 3/4 length tracksuit bottoms that aren’t  thick and heavy. (I do have a pair that I loved but I can’t get my backside in them at the moment!) I hate shopping for sports stuff – I can just hear the ‘really, you’re buying these for running? Of course you are!’ I can see the sales staff rolling their eyes. I may have to just be too hot until my backside has shrunk enough to fit into the pants I have – by which time it will be cold and a moot point anyway.

Running to feel better – no really.

Jess Guth1 Comment

I seem to have managed to keep the worst of my depression at bay. Let’s keep the black dog metaphor going – I have shut that stupid black mutt out but it is still hanging around outside. For only the second time in my academic career (which now spans well over 10 years) I have withdrawn from a conference. I was due to fly out to Sweden tomorrow but I just couldn’t get my head round flying out there on my own, I couldn’t get my head round exploring somewhere I’d never been before and I couldn’t get me head round giving two papers and putting my research out there for comment. I’ve cancelled. I shall miss seeing some great colleagues and friends but I need to look after myself.

Running and yoga seem to be becoming a part of that. I went to work today and mostly it was ok. I had my little panic this morning but mostly I just got on with things once I got to work. It was just much more of an effort that usual. I had to force the focus that usually comes naturally. I was tired on the way home, really tired. I wanted to get home and run though. Well no, that’s not quite true. I wanted to have that post-run feeling. The only way to get that is to run. 30 minutes along the canal in 2 min run/30 secs walk intervals was what we had planned. I felt reasonably happy about that having managed nearly 6 miles on Sunday using that same ratio. I pushed. Maybe for the first time since we started the running I consciously pushed the pace a little. Usually I just try keep going. I let Kath worry about pace and just follow her lead and she keeps an eye on how I’m doing and speeds up (oh come on, who are we kidding – slows down) accordingly. But today I pushed and I kept pushing all the way to the end. Pace: 12 minutes per mile exactly. Distance: 2.5 miles. Well that silly fat black labrador that seems to be the symbol for depression  in my mind can’t take that pace. I’d left that behind after the second run section. The problem is, it finds its way back ‘home’ and just hangs around waiting for me to unwittingly leave the door open.

The yoga is useful too. It’s helping and I’m getting better at it. I’ll write about that in more detail another time though.