Tag: depression

Do I or Don’t I?

Jess GuthLeave a comment

Yesterday was a rest day on the training plan. No running, no clarity, no headspace… Yesterday was a funny day and in many ways a day of two halves. I felt ok-ish in the morning. Worrying a lot about not being at work and all the stuff that therefore will never get done but I felt relatively calm. Then I went out for lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen for ages and it was good to have a catch up even though neither of us was firing on all cylinders. It was lovely to be out and lovely to see my friend. Then I got home and was exhausted, totally exhausted and drained and tearful and crappy. I retreated to the sofa for the rest of the day – literally.

Today my body feels rested and ready to run – no effects from the long walk left at all. My calf muscle is normal and any little aches I had Sunday are now definitly gone. Kath’s knee is still creaky so if I am going to do the 45 minute run today it will have to be by myself. Hm. I’ve only just had breakfast so I will have to wait a while before going anyway. Here’s what’s going on in my brain:

  1. I need to do a 45 minute run today – the plan says
  2. I want to run today – it will be good for my head
  3. I am already panicked about the marathon, missing a run will make that worse
  4. I should be panicked about the marathon, I can’t do a marathon
  5. I don’t think I can even run 45 minutes
  6. So I best not go because then I’d find out that I can’t run 45 minutes and then the marathon really is out of the question
  7. So if I just stay on the sofa we can all pretend that I might be able to do the marathon
  8. But then I definitly won’t make it round the course in January and then everyone will think ‘I knew she couldn’t do it’
  9. I’ll say ‘I knew I couldn’t do it’
  10. But I want to say ‘I didn’t think I could do it BUT I DID’
  11. So run your 45 minute run then you stupid woman
  12. Yes
  13. BUT
  14. No but – the plan says 45 minutes
  15. It’ll be good for my head
  16. Missing a run will make me worry more about the marathon
  17. I should be worrying about the marathon
  18. ..

This may take a while to resolve. I’ll let you know if I make it out the door.

Long walks, kit check and not doing the long run

Jess Guth3 Comments

Right now I am supposed to be roughly 4 miles into a 20 mile run (from Leeds to home along the Leeds-Liverpool canal) but that’s not happening. Apart from it being a change of plan I am ok about that. We were trying to catch up with the training plan but that turns out not to be very sensible. It would see us do 3 really long walks on Saturdays and long runs on Sundays for 3 consecutive weekends (the training plan actually has 2 ‘easy’ weeks inbetween). It’s too much and today our  bodies let us know. Kath has a twinge in her left knee which feels a bit like her right knee did just before it gave up the ghost for a while and if I am totally honest about it, my right calf muscle is screaming for a rest. So we did the sensible thing and turned this weekend into an ‘easy’ weekend and called the 10.68 miles walk yesterday it.

The walk was nice though. We walked from home along the Leeds-Liverpool canal to Skipton. We weren’t striding out  – just walking along nicely and the pace ended up being about 19 minutes per mile. We stopped at the post office on the way and had a couple of stops early on to watch the kingfisher whizz up and down the canal alongside us and then to watch a second kingfisher further along. It was cold, there was a dusting of snow on the hills and in places the wind was biting. It was nice to be out though. I wouldn’t say it cleared my mind but it stopped me thinking about anything at all. Once in Skipton we went into a pub for food and enjoyed a lovely beef stew before having a little look round the shops and getting the train home. So not much running news!

Skipton walk small
View on way to Skipton with flooded washland and snow capped hills

Last week I went through all my running gear and also bought the last bits and pieces I might need. So I now have a choice of kit to take. I tried the Salomon trainers I hadn’t worn yet on a short run and they were great. I will try them for one long run and providing they’re ok I will take them and my New Balance ones and see how I feel on the day. I have 4 pairs of 3/4 length running pants (including a new pair and a pair I have had years which I can now fit into – for the first time since 2013 and fit in easily for the first time ever!) and I also have a selection of t-shirts and vests to choose from. I will have one last trying on session before I pack but it is looking pretty good. I also have a new Shock Absorber Ultimate Run Sports Bra (catchy name!) which I am not 100% sure on yet. It is comfy and it eliminates bounce completely but there is something comforting about wearing an old worn in (out?) sports bra – like taking an old loyal supportive friend with you… We’ll see. Maybe the new one and I will bond over a long run next weekend. So the kit is sorted bar the final decisions about what travels with me.

It’s weigh in day. I have lost 2.4 pounds. I am really chuffed with that (it puts me on a round number) and it means I have now lost exactly 2.5 stone this year – that’s 35 pounds – that’s 15.8 kg. With every pound that comes off the running gets a little bit easier – there’s less of me to drag round and that in turn makes it easier to keep the weight off and keep losing a bit more. I’d love to shift another half stone before the marathon to make it a round 3 stone loss on 2015. That would be great but I am just going to keep going as I have been – running, eating relatively healthily and doing yoga most days.

I don’t quite know what to do  with myself today – the plan was run 20 miles which was going to take most of the day… I’m not good with changes of plan at the moment so I am on my safe sofa for now. I’ll do more yoga later, more blogging, more Disney planning, more writing… more anything as long as it means I don’t have to leave the sofa or engage with people

 

 

Not a Good Day

Jess Guth3 Comments

Just a quick update. Today has not been a good day. I barely made it off the sofa. I went to do the food shop with Kath this morning and that about finished me off. I have also really been struggling with the concept of not being at work – I’ve just been worrying about all the things I am not doing and someone else now has to do… I wasn’t really for leaving my safe space sofa at all. I tried to sleep a bit but whenever I try my brain kicks in and I worry…

So running – we were going to do another 45 minutes today, we didn’t. Instead we ran non-stop to our sheep, fed them and then ran non-stop back. That’s less than two miles in total. Oh well. There was a small win though, we managed to run up the road leading to our road – it’s a steady slope which doesn’t look like much but I’ve never made it without walking before – must have been the call of the sofa! The clarity that came with running yesterday didn’t come but the doubts did – on the way there more so than on the way back. If I am struggling this much on a 10 minute stretch it is idiotic to think I can make it through 26.2 miles… Urgh

Building strength

Jess Guth2 Comments

As I mentioned I went to the doctor on Monday and I am signed off work. It is odd being off work without being the kind of ill that requires me to stay in bed or whatever. It feels wrong and I am struggling with that and I am feeling guilty about not being at work. At the same time I know I am not ok and not well enough to work. So  I mean building strength in both the physical and the mental sense.

Today we started a 4 day section of our training programme which aims to build strength and stamina. It consists of 4 days of back to back running/walking with mileage increasing. We started with a 45 minute run today and went to Bolton Abbey to do it. I have described the route previously. I enjoyed it today. We started by running for 11 minutes without a break – we decided it was about time we tried that out because the chances of being able to drop straight into our planned intervals for the marathon are slim to none. If we can run the first 10 minutes or so the early congestion will have sorted itself a bit.

For the rest of the loop we stuck to 2 minutes running and 1 minute walking except for the hill past the strid – we walked up that which took longer than a minute and when we got to the steepest hill we finished our run 30 seconds early and walked. I did however also take a walk out on the hilly bit and ran the last 9 minutes without walk break. We did the 45 minutes at a 13.07 minutes per mile pace which is just about the fastest we’ve done that loop. Pace wasn’t important though. I enjoyed the run. I enjoyed the clarity of mind I had during and immediately after the run.

The clarity didn’t last long at all but while I was running I felt like my brain was functioning as it should. I got a tiny little step closer to making sense of some things – just a tiny little step in a very long way but it’s a start. Now it’s about regaining that clarity on every run and trying to hang onto it for longer. It’s about building the mental strength I need not only to complete the marathon but to get myself back to a point where I no longer need my sofa to be my safe space!

Physically building strength is going better than mentally. I could definitly feel the 17 miles in my legs but after 10 minutes or so I settled in and pushed on and I was quite surprised  how well I had recovered from Monday. I am definitly stronger than I was even a few months ago.

So another 45 minute run tomorrow, then a 9 mile walk on Saturday and a 20 mile run/walk on Sunday. One foot in front of the other both physically and mentally

17 Miles of Awesome…

Jess Guth5 Comments

… well I might be exaggerating a little there but in the context of today having completed a 17 mile run/walk feels pretty awesome. This morning I went to the doctors and my anxiety and depression indicators on a mood questionnaire are through the roof. I am signed off work until at least 14th December. I have very mixed feelings about being off work but that’s not what this blog is about – the doctor was supportive of the running though so – onwards.

So Kath rearranged her work commitments to make time for a long run this afternoon. We couldn’t do our planned 17 mile route because some of it is still under water and we couldn’t get a train to the start of it because they were all cancelled because of flooding. So, a there and back it was then.

We walked down the hill to the canal and then started our 2 minute running intervals with 1 minute walk breaks. I’d decided last minute to ask Kath to try this with me because I was struggling with the 2 minute runs and 30 second walk intervals. We set off. For the first time I was wearing long sleeves and a t-shirt over the top and my jacket. After a couple of runs I took the jacket off. Then onwards. I felt fine. All was good, the canal was showing its autumn glory. We seemed to get to Bingley and then Saltaire quite quickly. 2 minute runs with 1 minute walks seemed to work. I could keep the the walks really strong and still recover quite a lot. At just about 5.5 miles we shared a porridge bar and had some water. As we got past 6 miles we were in unchartered territory on the canal. Neither of us had ever walked along that stretch. We kept going for another 2 and a bit miles along. I still felt fine but I had slowed a little.

At just before 8 miles the garmin had a wobble – it had run out of space for data and re-set itself. We were at that point doing a roughly 12.45 minutes per mile pace. At around 9.5 miles my hip started to niggle. Kath suggested we just walk a little and get ourselves sorted. We walked fast for maybe 8-10 minutes or so and then we tried a 2 minute run again. I can’t say it was comfortable but it was ok. I was sort of excited that I had made it to 10 miles before any real niggles but also a little worried that there were another 7 miles to go.

We walked a bit  – making an effort to stride out – and then kept putting in little runs for 2 minutes. We got to Bingley and then walked up the slopes at the 5 Rise Locks. I was amazed that I still felt quite positive and was still enjoying it inspite of little niggles in my right hip and both calf muscles. We were at Crossflatts  – wow, this was home territory – I have run this stretch 10s of times. We ran a bit – kept going beyond the 2 minutes until we came to the next road. We crossed the road and kept going (it was getting a bit dark now but I didn’t mind because this stretch of the canal is very familiar), after a little walk we managed another 5-6 minute run and then another walk. Then we hit the last bridge before home and as soon as we emerged from under that we ran – we just kept plodding, one foot in front of the other until we hit the bridge that signals our turn off the canal and up the hill to home. We had done about 16.5 miles and instead of running on decided to make the walk up the hill home part of the 17 miles. The walk uphill was horrible and quite painful but that didn’t detract from the fact that we had actually just managed 3 roughly 5 minute runs with short walks inbetween at the end of a long run/walk. No dragging my butt along, no tears, no meltdowns, no tantrums. Just a strong finish. It took almost exactly 4 hours – Just over 14 minutes per mile pace – slow, yes, obviously, this is me – but well within Disney Pace and without that bloody hill, I could have kept going.

We did 10 minutes of yoga for post-run, had a bath and leftover squash and spinach lasagne and veggies. I’m ok, tired but ok. I’m going to bed now in the hope that being physically tired will let me rest and get some good quality sleep, at least for a little while.

Oh and I ‘forgot’ (I didn’t forget, I just didn’t want to know) to get on the scales yesterday so hopped on today. I have lost about half a pound