I have started again again again too many times to still use that phrase as a title. And I have not blogged for 18 months so that doesn’t feel like just starting again from where we left off. So let’s call it a re-launch. Isn’t that what we do when everything has got a bit shit and old and tired and is in need of new beginnings? Perhaps even to become something different, re-invent ourself and set out on new adventures? Well, running has certainly been a bit shit, there’s no denying I’m getting older (good job really!) and tired – well, yes, there has been lots of tired! Do I need new beginnings when it comes to running? Maybe, but there are certainly new beginnings on the horizon in career terms so that’s exciting and a good enough excuse to re-launch the blog, the running, the exercise and everything that makes me really (not) a runner. Let’s just launch ourselves head first into new (but kinda familiar) adventures.

So where are we with this putting one foot in front of the other business? Honestly, we are at zero. At least physically we are at zero. I cannot stress how unfit I am right now. And no this isn’t one of those where I say how crap I am so you tell me I am not or where I set up my immediate success by telling you how awful I am just to then suddenly actually be reasonably competent. No. I. Am. Unfit. Probably as unfit or even worse than when I first started running. Yes, that bad. There are all sorts of reasons for that and many many excuses but this is a re-launch not a moan about who I never really got going again after having Covid the first time and when I sort of did I got Covid a second time or about how busy I was, how I couldn’t be bothered, how I am heavier now than I was when I started running …. you know it all anyway. So for ages doing anything about this just seemed a bit pointless. Every time I tried something else, this 44 year old body of mine would break, disintegrate, refuse to work – so sitting on the sofa just seemed safer.

But of course things would break because I am impatient and because in my mind I am a much better runner than I actually am. Sitting on the sofa I can do it all, slowly, but all. So I am all or nothing, I don’t do patient and one run at a time and starting again at the beginning. So what’s different now? My re-launch is all about slowing down. I know that sounds idiotic given what I just outlined but stick with it. I am accepting (not very happily) that I am not going to go out and manage a 10 mile run/walk tomorrow, or even 10k or even 5k for that matter. I am also accepting (again not happily) that my ‘forever pace’ where I can plod along without much of a care is not 12.5 minutes a mile without walk breaks. I don’t have a forever pace currently. I have a ‘can walk like this for a good while’ pace but it’s annoyingly far from forever. Running doesn’t feature here. I am accepting (and trying to be happy about it) that I simply am where I am and this is where I start. I can’t start from somewhere I’m not at and I can’t force myself to be there or get there quickly. That’s not how this works.

My attempts to go slow, not overdo it, listen to my body (goodness it whinges)and just ease slowly back into actually moving haven’t been hugely successful so far – did I mention I was impatient? Couch to 5k just annoyed me. Doing 5k ish loops on run/walk was too much for my very bitchy left foot that insists on having tendinitis that won’t go away (well obviously it won’t go away if I keep making it run/walk 5k!). But just maybe this week has seen a tiny little breakthrough. I have started The RunDisney 5km training plan. When I first opened it I sneered at it. I don’t need that. Come on, a training plan for 5km? I’ll go do 5k now, what is this nonsense. But for once I paused for long enough to open the PDF file to take a proper look. I’d just come back from the osteopath having worked on my foot, I felt a bit woozy from the treatment and keenly aware of my foot. Maybe that’s what made me pause. Anyway, Week 1 read: 10 minutes, 13 minutes, 1.5 miles. Three runs, all done at run/walk following the Jeff Galloway method. I let that sink in for a little while.

Then Kath ran the Great North Run and I was support crew. As much as I enjoyed supporting Kath and was quite happy about not having to run in the heat and/or massive cloudburst seen at this year’s event, it felt like I was on the wrong side of it all. I wanted to be a runner not a spectator. So when we got back I picked the programme up again and had another look. Another set of treatment on the foot followed and it felt like it might entertain the idea of a short run. I was going to go out on Monday. But the thing about not having been out for ages is that I sort of knew it would be pretty awful so all the demons that keep me from going out went into overdrive. I spent Monday knowing it was pointless, worrying about how much it would hurt, planning another week of stretches and treatment on the foot, wondering what I could do to get fitter first, deciding I would lose a chunk of weight first and then come back to running. Well we all know Mondays are vile. Mondays should not be allowed to give their opinions on anything because Mondays give really bad advice!

Tuesday came and I ran out of excuses. 10 minutes. Run/Walk/Run. I used 30 second/30 second run/walk intervals. It was raining and it was glorious. It was also awful. I set off. 30 seconds running barely took me to the end of the road and as I was still wondering if I had always covered so little distance in 30 seconds my walk break was over and I was running again. The next 3 were fine – they were downhill. I had a warning twinge in my foot which made me swear out loud but otherwise, nothing much happened. Then I went uphill. Hahahahahahaha. My lungs just went ‘nope’. After 30 seconds of trying to move uphill it was clear that this running thing is not going to be fun for quite some time! Honestly, I think if I was starting out running for the first time I would have just turned back, walked home and taken up cross stitch. I used to run up that hill – continuously. I could have cried but it was time to run again. This was run 6 so I was turning round after this one (to allow for a slightly longer walk at the end to cool down). I turned half way through because I couldn’t actually go uphill any longer. I huffed and puffed my way to the end. My heart rate went way too high for such a short run. The pace, oh my god the fucking pace. I mean what pace. There was no pace…. And yet when I got back I felt calm, like I was back, like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

Wednesday was a deliberate and planned day off running but I actually had to stop myself from going out again. Thursday and Friday were a mix of excuses and trying to work out whether my foot hurt or not. Saturday I had decided it did not. Run 2. 13 minutes. Same route, same bastard hills. Same huffing and puffing, same awfulness. I also felt very very self-conscious out there running. I didn’t feel like I belonged. I noticed that I was bracing for comments as I ran past the pub (none came). I felt awkward and clumsy and slow. Well, I was slow. But I also hadn’t pushed the pace on the runs at all. I wanted to avoid the warning pain I had last time and running slower did the trick. The run was awful but it was pain free and a pain free, completed run is a win. Yay for pain free 15 minute mile pace. And I am trying to say that without any hint of sarcasm. Trying to.

Today (Sunday) I woke up early because our latest addition to the family – Storm cat – has learned to pull my hair to get my attention. So by 7ish I’d had coffee and sufficient time to wake up and unconfuse myself (confused is my normal in the morning). Kath suggested coming with me and doing my 1.5 miles together. I was skeptical because I am sooooo slow but there was also something very nice about not having to do it on my own. So off we went. 0.75 miles one way and then back. I’ve got nothing in the tank on even the slightest incline. It feels like wading through treacle with burning lungs. It’s horrible and hard and just no – but do you know what else it is? -Done. It’s done. I have ticked off all 3 runs this week, I have run the intervals wherever they fell on the hills, I have not opted for flat or downhill only routes and I just have to trust that it will come together eventually. I could run the hills once. That means it’s possible. So it’s time to get good at doing ‘hard’ again. Bring on week 2.