Author: Jess Guth

Dr Jess Guth is a Legal Academic. She blogs at jessguth.com She also doesn't really run - reallynotarunner.com

Can’t Run

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If you’re expecting a post-Disney race blog post with silly pictures of medals etc – sorry. That’ll have to wait. So yes, we did the 5km and the half marathon and some of it was awesome and some of it wasn’t. I’ll come back to that when I’m slightly less tired and have slightly more time.

Today we had the genius idea of going for a recovery run – just a short little loop to stretch the legs. Well my legs don’t work and neither do my lungs. I only managed short little jogs with walk breaks and after just over a mile I was so done.

I could actually just cry. The running at the weekend didn’t go to plan and now I can’t even run a mile. Who am I kidding with this running thing? I actually can’t do it, can I? I’m taking part in the Too Fat to Run ‘Scream if you want to go faster’ programme so I need to get a 5km baseline at some point this week but I actually don’t feel like I can do it at all.

The thing with honesty…

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So here’s the thing with being honest about life, running, fitness, weight… It doesn’t make you feel any better. It doesn’t do anything for your confidence. It makes you feel great, well, when you feel great. The reverse can also be true.

This post is triggered by a number of things I’ve seen, heard and read over the last 2 days. I won’t single them out because that wouldn’t be fair – they’re not my stories to tell. But my story is my story to tell. Here’s the deal:

I am running a half marathon on Sunday. I am not ready. I haven’t run enough, I haven’t done enough mileage, I haven’t been consistent. I am excited about it nonetheless because I have a little glimmer of hope that I have gained enough experience over this last year to be able to just see it for the adventure it is and go with it. I have posted my excitement on social media. And I am being honest in that BUT there’s also a whole load I haven’t said. I think maybe I should say it now.

  1. I packed yesterday. I started off excited and ended almost in tears. I packed my running gear first  for the half marathon- easy. Then I decided I wanted a long sleeved top for the 5k and thought maybe a Dopey one – they were on the small side when we got them but the next size up would have been too big – they’re too tight now, all of them. Then I wondered about what to take to wear the rest of the time. It’s all about Disney and running and celebrating how far we’ve come so I thought I’d wear my ‘I did it’ t-shirt from Dopey. I tried it on. It doesn’t really fit. I tried on the 5k cotton T we got at Dopey – that doesn’t really fit either. I tried a couple of others – nope.
  2. I have put weight on – or let’s put it another way. I liked the shape I was just post-Dopey better. I wasn’t actually much lighter at all (half a stone maybe) but I was different and now things I bought then don’t fit and that upsets me more than it should
  3. I am worried that the race t-shirts won’t fit because the sizing is always a bit hit and miss and now I don’t really know what size I am.
  4. I don’t mind being at the back of the pack. I don’t mind being a slow runner but I don’t like the idea of being the fat lass at the back. The fitter (and thus more shapely) I get the less I mind being slow but now that I don’t feel all that fit and am super conscious of the wobbly bits I somehow mind being slow. Confidence?
  5. I am not confident today. I am self conscious as anything and I’m just sitting at home, trying to write. Nobody is going to see me today really and yet I am wondering if my t-shirt is perhaps a little too tight or if it will be ok even if I take my hoodie off.
  6. Today I feel fat. You see I think there’s a difference between being fat and feeling fat. I am fat. I have no real problem with that, I’m used to it after all. Being fat isn’t the problem. Feeling fat is. When I feel fat I stop feeling like me. Most days I just feel like me and my insecurities and issues are not really related to body shape or whatever. But sometimes I feel fat and then I feel like I can’t or shouldn’t do stuff, then I am suddenly aware of every bit of me where my clothes stick to me or stretch or whatever. It’s rare thankfully
  7. I wish I didn’t feel fat just before a half marathon because now I think fat people don’t run half marathons which in itself is utter nonsense.

Anyway, I could find more negative shit to write about but that’s not the point. The point is that getting fitter and healthier, losing weight, running…all that stuff isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. It’s not all amazing. It doesn’t make you feel like a new woman all the time, it’s not all fucking awesome. Some days I feel like shit, some days I feel like crying, some days I look in the mirror and look away in disgust. If that’s you today, that’s fine. It really is. Tomorrow I might look in the mirror and smile – but for today I think I’ll keep my hoodie on

 

I joined a gym

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I don’t really like gyms. I have had memberships at various places over the years and I can’t say I’ve ever really enjoyed going. Sometimes I managed a solid workout and felt good afterwards but mostly I was vaguely amused and vaguely put off by blokes strutting in front of the mirrors stroking their biceps.

So why join now? I think this might be complicated. I have joined the university gym. I can see it from my desk (it’s in the building next to mine) and it never seems to be busy which is good. It’s cheap for staff which is also good. I  went and had a little look around last week. It seemed fine – maybe a little tired around the edges but the equipment looked good. I thought about it for a few days – not liking gyms is a pretty good reason not to bother after all.

However, I do want to keep running and it is fairly obvious that in order to avoid injury I am going to have to cross train a little and make sure I build a bit more core strength. I am also stupidly weak – I have no upper body strength at all and apparently the sheep aren’t keen for me to practice holding and turning them every day to build up some muscle. I suspect the gym can help with that. Essentially going to the gym is about being a better (and by that I mean healthier rather than faster or whatever) runner.

That’s not the most important reason to join though. I felt like I needed a space away from my desk where I can go and take time out for me. I can’t shut the door as I’m in an open plan office and I don’t want get stressed or anxious so I need a a sort of safe space or escape route. I think the gym will work for that. Just going outside won’t work because I’m in the middle of Leeds with the city and traffic noise. I will try go on Fridays in-between teaching (I have one class at 9am and another at 3) and although I haven’t got as much time in-between classes I could also do Wednesdays. I just figured that I can disappear for an hour and burn off some adrenalin if I’m having a tough day.

The key to making the gym my safe space (or one of my safe spaces anyway) is to take the pressure off. I need to shake off my history with gyms and just focus on what I want it for now. I may only go once a week. I may use it mostly to get a few short runs in when the weather is hideous and I may never really get into the weights stuff. I think I’m ok with all of that. So I went to join at lunchtime today and took my stuff with me. I filled in the form, got everything sorted and looked around – there were 4 people on the gym so it wasn’t busy but they all looked like super fit gym bunnies so I lost my nerve and went back to my desk. No pressure remember, that’s fine. I’ll have another go another day. For today I’ll take the flights of stairs that trip made me do!

Let’s talk about pace

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Yes, let’s. Better talking about it than actually doing anything about perhaps increasing my own! Pace is a thorny issue with running isn’t it. It’s all soo relative. I was talking to someone the other day who told me she’d got home after a 5km and realised she’d done it in 32 minutes and was ecstatic and then her husband went and came back all grumpy because it had taken him just over 30 minutes and he said it was his slowest ever… Hm, Pace.

So, rewind a little bit. I should explain what triggered this post. I was looking at information about the sports facilities offered at the university I now work at. I came across information about the running club and noted with interest that the focus was on beginners and intermediate runners. I liked that. I’d never go of course- it’s a running club, not something for me – it’s for, like, proper runners…

Anyway, I was pleased that the institution I am now affiliated with included beginner runners. And then I read on. If you’re a beginner, the running club, it appears, runs roughly 3 miles at roughly an 11-12 minutes per mile pace. A whole wave of thoughts hit me all at once.

  1. 11-12 minutes per mile is not beginner pace
  2. I’m not a beginner
  3. I’m slower than that most of the time
  4. I don’t think I’m a beginner
  5. So moving from beginner status is just about getting faster?
  6. Oh – I’ll be a beginner forever
  7. What would happen if I went?

I’ve not been running that long, there’s lots I don’t know about running but I’m not a beginner. At some point since Dopey my perception of me as a runner shifted. I’m still not really a runner, never will be BUT I’m not a beginner.  I don’t see myself as a runner at all but I also don’t see myself as a beginner. It’s odd. But according to that pace guidance I’m not even at beginner level. I might be able to hold that pace for 3 miles on a good day but I couldn’t be sure. I have done a mile in under 10 minutes – once.

Anyway, it made me think about pace and running and what that all means. And it’s not so much the groups that are problematic – having an 11-12 minute mile groups is great- lots of place don’t have that and the slowest is 10 minutes. I think the problem is the labels given to the groups. You see I might never get to intermediate – which would be 10 minutes per mile sustained over 5-6 miles. I might however get to be a very experienced runner who knows what works for her and what doesn’t, who can put together a sensible training plan to achieve her goals, who can work on increasing her pace, her distance and her pace over specified distances. In fact I think I am making good progress towards that.

So actually the problem is labelling running groups as beginner, intermediate etc. You could never have really run but find out that actually you are naturally pretty speedy or you could  have been running for years and years but never really get much faster – either because you are happy at your pace or because you’re focussed on something else or because it is just not going to happen. Every now and again I get frustrated that the chances of me getting much faster are slim to none but mostly that’s ok. I know I can get a little faster if I train and work on it but it won’t be by much. Mostly that’s ok. Pace is relative. What is fast for me is painfully slow for someone else.

So, rant over. Run at whatever pace you want, you can and let’s outrun those labels that always seem to come with a hint of judgement. As for the running club, I was never planning on going anyway…

Getting Ready for Disney Paris

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Right, 2 weeks today we will have trotted our way round the Disneyland Paris 5km run and will be chilling out somewhere getting ready for the half marathon. I haven’t written much about the trip. I’ve been pre-occupied with leaving my old job and starting my new job (it’s been good – see here) and generally getting better. So it’s about time!

We set off on Friday lunchtime. We fly from Leeds/Bradford airport and land at Paris CDG airport shortly after 4pm and then we’ll jump on the train out to Disney. We’ll check into our hotel which is the Disney’s Hotel New York.

new-york-hotel-outside
Photo from Disneylandparis.co.uk

After check-in we’ll head over to the Expo to pick up our race packs and have a little look at the merchandise. I don’t need anything so it’s just about getting a little souvenir to take home and mark the achievement. After the expo we have tickets to the Inaugural party. The website calls it a magical evening not to be missed and says it is a

‘unique, private party, on Friday, September 23rd, 2016, at the Walt Disney Studios® Park. Disney Characters will be there, and you will have exclusive access to the main attractions and different catering offers’

It should be fun and means that we don’t really have to think about where to eat or book a table or any of that. After the party it’ll be bed and then the 5km race starts at 7am on Saturday followed by breakfast. We’ve never been to Disneyland Paris so we’ll have a wonder around but also take it easy, maybe have some time at the hotel pool, just relax and rest and hydrate – lots of hydrating – for Sunday morning. In the evening we have tickets to Buffalo Bills Wild West Show – the 6.30pm show is exclusively for runners and their families and they are offering a runners’ menu. We have made our food choices but I can’t remember what we ordered – I’ll dig out the email and add it to our travel docs!

Sunday will be another early wake-up call. 7 am start for the 13.1 miles and apparently the hotels are extending breakfast time for runners so we will be able to go eat properly after the run which is great but they will also offer a light breakfast for anyone who wants to eat something before – we’ll be taking porridge pots but maybe a banana would also be good.

We have no further plans really and we have 3 day park hopper tickets so we can use them Saturday, Sunday and Monday and we fly home just before 5pm Monday so we’ll have the morning at least. I’m looking forward to it, all of it, the trip, the running, the escapism…

Anyway – 11 miles await tomorrow and then we taper – or in our case, we try really hard to get our butts out for the short runs!