Category: Depression

5km Puddle Plod

Jess GuthLeave a comment

Yesterday evening we were in need of something positive. I’d struggled through the day battling the urge to go and hide under the duvet. By 7pm I hadn’t really done anything at all. So we went for a run. We decided to do our last RunDisney 5km to complete the RunDisney Running Shorts Series. The Garmin died about 3/4 of the way along but as we were running out and back and had turned at exactly half way it didn’t matter. It was raining but it was quite nice running in the rain and sometimes dodging puddles and sometimes just running straight through them or even jumping in them.

We did the 5km in roughly 36 minutes – a little bit under possibly and I had 2 short little walk breaks of less than a minute each. It was a good run and I enjoyed bits of it even. I felt a bit dizzy again on the way home but it passed quickly and after some stretches, a bath and then some more yoga I actually felt pretty good and  once we went to bed I fell asleep quickly and slept well for a few hours.

Today has been a struggle. I have tried to get work done and concentrate as I am keenly aware that there is so much that needs doing. I have managed to get some stuff done but it has been punctuated by frequent retreats to the sofa and one brief running away to hide under the duvet. My brain’s not working right, it’s sluggish and chaotic and that’s quite scary. My hips have also been really tight today but have eased a bit after some yoga.

I’m in that funny catch 22 thing where I know I need to go run and push quite hard to get the benefits and clarity that the exercise brings but my black puppy has got hold of the back of my pants and is pulling me back to the sofa telling my that I am rubbish at everything – until it loosens its grip a little getting out is such a big effort that I am exhausted before I get out the door.

I guess all I can do is keep on plodding!

Tapering….

Jess Guth3 Comments

13 days to go to the big Walt Dinsey World Marathon Weekend kicks off with the expo, 17 to go to the marathon. I sort of feel ready and sort of totally not.

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For the first 3 days of tapering we might have taken the ‘take it easy and rest’ theme a bit too seriously on the running front. We did bugger all. Having said that though the weather was nasty and we were pre-occupied with a dog attack on one of our sheep and nursing the poor little thing back to health (more on that over on the sheep blog).

Yesterday we finally got out for a 45 minute run and it felt great to be out. It was a sunny day  – far too warm for December – about 12 degrees C. We set off down our road to the canal and turned left towards Bingley. We turned round after roughly 25 minutes and headed back. We ran all the way, no walk breaks. Didn’t feel like I needed any. When we finished I was surpirsed to see we’d run exactly  4 miles. I think we’ve only ever managed that pace on a 45 minute run once before. Now I did feel like I was pushing a little bit but I honestly thought it was just one too many mince pies and not nearly enough water that were making it all feel like hard work. It didn’t feel that fast.

I had a good dy yesterday. I felt almost well. My brain felt like it might just work normally. I felt good after the run. It felt like a normal day. I struggled later in the day when I got really tired after we’d walked round the neighbourhood dropping off mince pies at our mothers’ and the last of the Christmas presents but yesterday was a good day!

Forgetting Friday

Jess Guth6 Comments

After the giddy excitement of the last two days I suppose the come down was inevitable. Today I can barely make it off the sofa. I didn’t sleep well and this morning had a telephone appointment with the mental health service for a therapy assessment – turned out not to be a big deal and I am now on a waiting list for a stress management /anxiety course in the new year.

After that I was going to go for a run but the weather turned nasty so I didn’t. It’s gone down hill from there. I’ve felt rubbish about not being at work and all the stuff I’m not doing; I’ve been worrying about our sheep, I’ve been worrying about the travel for the trip, weather, delays… I have felt totally incompetent in pretty much everything.

Then I started worrying about the running, then about weight. I started the day quite healthily with muesli but then we had pizza and salad for lunch and then I was still hungry or bored or whatever and had a piece of quiche that was left, then I was still hungry and had a porridge bar… Then I worried about all of that and decided that the marathon was an utterly stupid idea anyway.

I picked up the last issue of Runner’s World to try and snap out of it but it is full of ‘proper runners’ and a marathon plan which just made me cry because it is so different from the one we’ve been following and it doesn’t look like anything I could do (neither does ours though, so…). I thought maybe looking at the Disney stuff would snap me out of it. I grabbed our folder (yeah, I know, we have a folder, how very me) and retreated to the sofa. It didn’t do the trick. I just started worrying about the dining reservations and wether we’d made the right call for pre and post race food, I started panicking about currency and wether we’ve ordered the right amount and when it will come; about what I’ve forgotten and what on earth I am going to take on our trip. Oh and actually, forget the trip because I shouldn’t be going, I should be, oh I don’t know but I shouldn’t be running a marathon.

So let’s just forget about today. Let’s just accept it for what it is. I’m obviously just worrying today – so let’s make today a worrying sort of day, watch crap TV, eat whatever and just start again tomorrow.

Post 20 Miles post

Jess Guth7 Comments

So it’s the day after the 20 mile day. Time to reflect on yesterday’s run. Well, good news I guess – nothing hurts. The toes on my right foot are a little tender and my hips are tight. I’ll do more stretches later.

I forget from long run to long run how hungry I get after. As I said we had a perfect recovery meal very quickly after the run and then we went out for tea –  early, before 5pm and I had another big meal (and chocolate cake – come on I just ran 20 miles!). I woke up hungry and I’ve been hungry ever since really. I had a bacon sarnie in the supermarket cafe before doing our food shop, our usual Saturday morning breakfast and I’ve nibbled my way through the morning and am now ready for lunch… I need to strategically place bananas, grapes and other healthy snacks so I don’t end up eating biscuits all afternoon.

I’m also tired. I didn’t sleep well again – probably because of the wind – it sounded wild out there. I was awake from just before 2am until who knows when and then from 7am ish. I was struggling to get comfy because my hips felt tight so I was tossing and turning a lot resulting in teh catten being attached to my feet a lot. And once awake of course my stupid brain kicks in.

So I have been over that 20 mile run/walk in detail, lots of detail. I shall spare you it all because it’s all depression induced crap. It’s all the usual ‘OMG how pathetic was I at that point’ and ‘I really should have done better there’ and ‘well if I can’t even cope there then let’s just forget the marathon…’. I think I might be getting a little stronger though, just a little, but still. My inner voice is still screaming at me to pull out and not embarrass myself; it’s still telling me I can’t do this but I’m a little more confident in the fact that it is probably a liar.

Kingfisher taking us home

Jess Guth7 Comments

So, 20 miles is a long way! Our long runs haven’t exactly gone to plan so it was good to get out and get it done today. We were sort of hoping we might get 23 in but that would have meant going quite a long way past home and coming back and I just wasn’t up for that mentally today.

So, here’s how it went:

  1. Wake up repeatedly in the night worrying about not being hydrated enough and to go to the loo because I clearly was hydrated enough
  2. Get up at 6am, pull on running gear, eat bagle with peanut butter, drink mug of hot water.
  3. Drive to Mum’s place at the bottom of the hill, get bus to station, get train into Leeds.
  4. Toilet stop, bottle of water and a short walk to the Leeds-Liverpool canal and we were off.
  5. First bit of Cliff bar (oh my goodness, the sugar rush) at about 6 miles
  6. Going quite well along the canal for a bit longer
  7. Canal towpath shut with diversion instructions next to useless – couple of miles or so of randomly following road/footpath vaguley in the right direction. Mentally really struggling with things not going to plan – walking a fair bit
  8. Met lovely bloke with lovely dog who gave us directions. Ran a bit
  9. Found canal
  10. 10 miles- first niggles and some additional walking
  11. Oh my goodness we made it to Shipley! More Cliff bar and a mobile catering van for water
  12. Saltaire – but shop boat shut so no more water
  13. Reversal of intervals – running one minute, walking 2. Hips now very tight and back beginning to ache
  14. Mentally nothing left. Resisting urge to call up in a ball and cry
  15. Called Mum to give her an ETA with 3.5 miles left
  16. Don’t remember – it hurt a bit but I just put one foot in front of the
    Common_Kingfisher_Alcedo_atthis
    This photo was taken by Andreas Trepte at http://www.photo-natur.de. I got it from Wikipedia

    other and then I saw the now almost familiar flash of blue. For about a mile or so we ran with a kingfisher. It kept flying out and then stopping a little further down the canal. We stopped to watch it just sitting on a branch and when it flew off we followed again. It kept me going.

  17. Half a mile left – I ran for 3 minutes.
  18. Less than a quarter of a mile left – we ran out of intervals on the garmin and had to restart it.
  19. 4 hours, 59 minutes and 20 seconds after we started we completed 20 miles. Slow but within RunDisney required minimum pace.

What did I learn?

  1. We need more water along the way. The small bottle to start and one at Shipley wasn’t enough, we both felt the lack of water later on
  2. I need to fuel more in the second half of the run – I had a bit of my Cliff bar at 6 miles and at 11ish but then nothing. Partly that’s a water issue, I don’t like eating anything without water. I only had about half the bar – I’ll need a full one for 26 miles – possibly even 1 and a half.
  3. I am mentally struggling at the minute – I’m tired and I don’t have anything left to push through when the running gets tough. I didn’t deal well with the diversion – it zapped all my energy
  4. I also didn’t deal well with the fact that I couldn’t keep to the intervals – I really wanted to be able to do that and not doing so zapped more energy because I started second guessing my ability to do this thing.

We got to Mum’s, had some water and a banana and then drove home. We did some stretches, had a bath and then great recovery food – a chicken breast on quinoa and mixed grains with avocado and cherry toms. Yummy.

Chicken on quinoa
Chicken breast on quinoa with avocado

I feel a little sore but I can move, my feet are in one piece and I suspect my hips are going to be tight tomorrow but let’s see!