Category: Depression

Possibly entering panic mode

Jess Guth6 Comments

I didn’t sleep well – so be warned.

During the night I managed to convince myself that things went all wrong yesterday. We didn’t run the 23 miles, we only got out for a short loop. I huffed and puffed my way round that and it wasn’t even that fast. 26.2 miles – what was I thinking.

I had chocolate cake mid morning and a take-away curry in the evening with a bottle of beer. I am behind on the training, not losing weight and struggling even with the little bit of running I’m doing… I am very much in ‘I can’t do this’ mode. In fact every little bit of me is screaming at me to just go hide under the duvet until the 11th January when it will all be over.

Add to that the running anxiety dreams that started a little while ago. I have 3 that repeat and I had all three last night in my fits and starts of sleep. The first is me running our home loop and as I get to the slope that goes from the little wood to the golf course I slip, fall and break my leg. I’m going to have to refuse to go that way.

The second is that I get my days muddled and turn up at the startline a day late. The third is the worst. I start and within the first mile everyone – even those starting way back, have overtaken me. I keep going and all the way along spectators are telling me I should have stayed at home and not bothered etc. Then I can see the finish line and with just about 5 steps to go I get pulled and told they’d waited far too long already and had to close the course and when I ask if I can just finish and get the medal I’m told that for such a pathetic attempt there are no medals.

Feeling rubbish – hope you have a better Monday

Walking in the Rain

Jess Guth3 Comments

The marathon training plan had a 4 mile walk yesterday and a 10 mile walk today. I was quite looking forward to both of these because walking isn’t scary – I can walk. The 4 miles yesterday we did once Kath had finished work and we fed the sheep on the way – it was just a nice little walk really even though neither of us could really be bothered. We just walked round in almost, but not quite, grumpy silence and ticked it off.

Today we had the 10 miles to do. We walked the 5 ish miles to Saltaire, had lunch and looked round Salts Mill (I bought a pair of shorts!) and then walked back. It’s probably a bit more than 10 miles door to door because the 5 miles were measured from the canal rather than from home when we ran it I think. It was drizzly on the way there but on the way back it was raining quite heavily for most of the way and we got soaked to our knickers. Still, it was nice to be out.

Walking doesn’t help with my depression/anxiety in the same way running does. Running gives me clarity and headspace that I am very conscious of, walking just helps me not think about anything at all. It’s probably at least as valuable because I suspect it is just letting my brain do its thing to get itself better. I noticed that after a little while surrounded by people I was overwhelmed by noise and busy-ness in my head. I was desperate to get back onto the near deserted canal towpath.

It was a good day for seeing birds along the canal. We saw a kingfisher early on and then a kestrel a bit further on. There were lots of ducks, geese and a few swans on the canal and we also saw some gulls. There were the usual blackbirds and blue tits, a few chaffinches and great tits but we also saw goldfinches and long tail tits. I do like them, they’re like little darts whizzing around and they always sound cheerful

It was good to get home and get into a warm bath and thaw out. It is funny how perception of distance changes – walking to Saltaire used to feel like a really really long way. Today walking there and back didn’t feel like such a big deal really. I was ready to be home with about a mile to go but that was just because I was soaked and getting quite cold. We’ve had a lovely tea of pasta with feta cheese, avocado and chorizo and are now both resting and drinking stupid amounts of water ready for our 23 mile training run tomorrow. I’d rather not think about that too much…

Do I or Don’t I?

Jess GuthLeave a comment

Yesterday was a rest day on the training plan. No running, no clarity, no headspace… Yesterday was a funny day and in many ways a day of two halves. I felt ok-ish in the morning. Worrying a lot about not being at work and all the stuff that therefore will never get done but I felt relatively calm. Then I went out for lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen for ages and it was good to have a catch up even though neither of us was firing on all cylinders. It was lovely to be out and lovely to see my friend. Then I got home and was exhausted, totally exhausted and drained and tearful and crappy. I retreated to the sofa for the rest of the day – literally.

Today my body feels rested and ready to run – no effects from the long walk left at all. My calf muscle is normal and any little aches I had Sunday are now definitly gone. Kath’s knee is still creaky so if I am going to do the 45 minute run today it will have to be by myself. Hm. I’ve only just had breakfast so I will have to wait a while before going anyway. Here’s what’s going on in my brain:

  1. I need to do a 45 minute run today – the plan says
  2. I want to run today – it will be good for my head
  3. I am already panicked about the marathon, missing a run will make that worse
  4. I should be panicked about the marathon, I can’t do a marathon
  5. I don’t think I can even run 45 minutes
  6. So I best not go because then I’d find out that I can’t run 45 minutes and then the marathon really is out of the question
  7. So if I just stay on the sofa we can all pretend that I might be able to do the marathon
  8. But then I definitly won’t make it round the course in January and then everyone will think ‘I knew she couldn’t do it’
  9. I’ll say ‘I knew I couldn’t do it’
  10. But I want to say ‘I didn’t think I could do it BUT I DID’
  11. So run your 45 minute run then you stupid woman
  12. Yes
  13. BUT
  14. No but – the plan says 45 minutes
  15. It’ll be good for my head
  16. Missing a run will make me worry more about the marathon
  17. I should be worrying about the marathon
  18. ..

This may take a while to resolve. I’ll let you know if I make it out the door.

Long walks, kit check and not doing the long run

Jess Guth3 Comments

Right now I am supposed to be roughly 4 miles into a 20 mile run (from Leeds to home along the Leeds-Liverpool canal) but that’s not happening. Apart from it being a change of plan I am ok about that. We were trying to catch up with the training plan but that turns out not to be very sensible. It would see us do 3 really long walks on Saturdays and long runs on Sundays for 3 consecutive weekends (the training plan actually has 2 ‘easy’ weeks inbetween). It’s too much and today our  bodies let us know. Kath has a twinge in her left knee which feels a bit like her right knee did just before it gave up the ghost for a while and if I am totally honest about it, my right calf muscle is screaming for a rest. So we did the sensible thing and turned this weekend into an ‘easy’ weekend and called the 10.68 miles walk yesterday it.

The walk was nice though. We walked from home along the Leeds-Liverpool canal to Skipton. We weren’t striding out  – just walking along nicely and the pace ended up being about 19 minutes per mile. We stopped at the post office on the way and had a couple of stops early on to watch the kingfisher whizz up and down the canal alongside us and then to watch a second kingfisher further along. It was cold, there was a dusting of snow on the hills and in places the wind was biting. It was nice to be out though. I wouldn’t say it cleared my mind but it stopped me thinking about anything at all. Once in Skipton we went into a pub for food and enjoyed a lovely beef stew before having a little look round the shops and getting the train home. So not much running news!

Skipton walk small
View on way to Skipton with flooded washland and snow capped hills

Last week I went through all my running gear and also bought the last bits and pieces I might need. So I now have a choice of kit to take. I tried the Salomon trainers I hadn’t worn yet on a short run and they were great. I will try them for one long run and providing they’re ok I will take them and my New Balance ones and see how I feel on the day. I have 4 pairs of 3/4 length running pants (including a new pair and a pair I have had years which I can now fit into – for the first time since 2013 and fit in easily for the first time ever!) and I also have a selection of t-shirts and vests to choose from. I will have one last trying on session before I pack but it is looking pretty good. I also have a new Shock Absorber Ultimate Run Sports Bra (catchy name!) which I am not 100% sure on yet. It is comfy and it eliminates bounce completely but there is something comforting about wearing an old worn in (out?) sports bra – like taking an old loyal supportive friend with you… We’ll see. Maybe the new one and I will bond over a long run next weekend. So the kit is sorted bar the final decisions about what travels with me.

It’s weigh in day. I have lost 2.4 pounds. I am really chuffed with that (it puts me on a round number) and it means I have now lost exactly 2.5 stone this year – that’s 35 pounds – that’s 15.8 kg. With every pound that comes off the running gets a little bit easier – there’s less of me to drag round and that in turn makes it easier to keep the weight off and keep losing a bit more. I’d love to shift another half stone before the marathon to make it a round 3 stone loss on 2015. That would be great but I am just going to keep going as I have been – running, eating relatively healthily and doing yoga most days.

I don’t quite know what to do  with myself today – the plan was run 20 miles which was going to take most of the day… I’m not good with changes of plan at the moment so I am on my safe sofa for now. I’ll do more yoga later, more blogging, more Disney planning, more writing… more anything as long as it means I don’t have to leave the sofa or engage with people

 

 

Not a Good Day

Jess Guth3 Comments

Just a quick update. Today has not been a good day. I barely made it off the sofa. I went to do the food shop with Kath this morning and that about finished me off. I have also really been struggling with the concept of not being at work – I’ve just been worrying about all the things I am not doing and someone else now has to do… I wasn’t really for leaving my safe space sofa at all. I tried to sleep a bit but whenever I try my brain kicks in and I worry…

So running – we were going to do another 45 minutes today, we didn’t. Instead we ran non-stop to our sheep, fed them and then ran non-stop back. That’s less than two miles in total. Oh well. There was a small win though, we managed to run up the road leading to our road – it’s a steady slope which doesn’t look like much but I’ve never made it without walking before – must have been the call of the sofa! The clarity that came with running yesterday didn’t come but the doubts did – on the way there more so than on the way back. If I am struggling this much on a 10 minute stretch it is idiotic to think I can make it through 26.2 miles… Urgh