Tag: depression

Kingfisher taking us home

Jess Guth7 Comments

So, 20 miles is a long way! Our long runs haven’t exactly gone to plan so it was good to get out and get it done today. We were sort of hoping we might get 23 in but that would have meant going quite a long way past home and coming back and I just wasn’t up for that mentally today.

So, here’s how it went:

  1. Wake up repeatedly in the night worrying about not being hydrated enough and to go to the loo because I clearly was hydrated enough
  2. Get up at 6am, pull on running gear, eat bagle with peanut butter, drink mug of hot water.
  3. Drive to Mum’s place at the bottom of the hill, get bus to station, get train into Leeds.
  4. Toilet stop, bottle of water and a short walk to the Leeds-Liverpool canal and we were off.
  5. First bit of Cliff bar (oh my goodness, the sugar rush) at about 6 miles
  6. Going quite well along the canal for a bit longer
  7. Canal towpath shut with diversion instructions next to useless – couple of miles or so of randomly following road/footpath vaguley in the right direction. Mentally really struggling with things not going to plan – walking a fair bit
  8. Met lovely bloke with lovely dog who gave us directions. Ran a bit
  9. Found canal
  10. 10 miles- first niggles and some additional walking
  11. Oh my goodness we made it to Shipley! More Cliff bar and a mobile catering van for water
  12. Saltaire – but shop boat shut so no more water
  13. Reversal of intervals – running one minute, walking 2. Hips now very tight and back beginning to ache
  14. Mentally nothing left. Resisting urge to call up in a ball and cry
  15. Called Mum to give her an ETA with 3.5 miles left
  16. Don’t remember – it hurt a bit but I just put one foot in front of the
    Common_Kingfisher_Alcedo_atthis
    This photo was taken by Andreas Trepte at http://www.photo-natur.de. I got it from Wikipedia

    other and then I saw the now almost familiar flash of blue. For about a mile or so we ran with a kingfisher. It kept flying out and then stopping a little further down the canal. We stopped to watch it just sitting on a branch and when it flew off we followed again. It kept me going.

  17. Half a mile left – I ran for 3 minutes.
  18. Less than a quarter of a mile left – we ran out of intervals on the garmin and had to restart it.
  19. 4 hours, 59 minutes and 20 seconds after we started we completed 20 miles. Slow but within RunDisney required minimum pace.

What did I learn?

  1. We need more water along the way. The small bottle to start and one at Shipley wasn’t enough, we both felt the lack of water later on
  2. I need to fuel more in the second half of the run – I had a bit of my Cliff bar at 6 miles and at 11ish but then nothing. Partly that’s a water issue, I don’t like eating anything without water. I only had about half the bar – I’ll need a full one for 26 miles – possibly even 1 and a half.
  3. I am mentally struggling at the minute – I’m tired and I don’t have anything left to push through when the running gets tough. I didn’t deal well with the diversion – it zapped all my energy
  4. I also didn’t deal well with the fact that I couldn’t keep to the intervals – I really wanted to be able to do that and not doing so zapped more energy because I started second guessing my ability to do this thing.

We got to Mum’s, had some water and a banana and then drove home. We did some stretches, had a bath and then great recovery food – a chicken breast on quinoa and mixed grains with avocado and cherry toms. Yummy.

Chicken on quinoa
Chicken breast on quinoa with avocado

I feel a little sore but I can move, my feet are in one piece and I suspect my hips are going to be tight tomorrow but let’s see!

Possibly entering panic mode

Jess Guth6 Comments

I didn’t sleep well – so be warned.

During the night I managed to convince myself that things went all wrong yesterday. We didn’t run the 23 miles, we only got out for a short loop. I huffed and puffed my way round that and it wasn’t even that fast. 26.2 miles – what was I thinking.

I had chocolate cake mid morning and a take-away curry in the evening with a bottle of beer. I am behind on the training, not losing weight and struggling even with the little bit of running I’m doing… I am very much in ‘I can’t do this’ mode. In fact every little bit of me is screaming at me to just go hide under the duvet until the 11th January when it will all be over.

Add to that the running anxiety dreams that started a little while ago. I have 3 that repeat and I had all three last night in my fits and starts of sleep. The first is me running our home loop and as I get to the slope that goes from the little wood to the golf course I slip, fall and break my leg. I’m going to have to refuse to go that way.

The second is that I get my days muddled and turn up at the startline a day late. The third is the worst. I start and within the first mile everyone – even those starting way back, have overtaken me. I keep going and all the way along spectators are telling me I should have stayed at home and not bothered etc. Then I can see the finish line and with just about 5 steps to go I get pulled and told they’d waited far too long already and had to close the course and when I ask if I can just finish and get the medal I’m told that for such a pathetic attempt there are no medals.

Feeling rubbish – hope you have a better Monday

Walking in the Rain

Jess Guth3 Comments

The marathon training plan had a 4 mile walk yesterday and a 10 mile walk today. I was quite looking forward to both of these because walking isn’t scary – I can walk. The 4 miles yesterday we did once Kath had finished work and we fed the sheep on the way – it was just a nice little walk really even though neither of us could really be bothered. We just walked round in almost, but not quite, grumpy silence and ticked it off.

Today we had the 10 miles to do. We walked the 5 ish miles to Saltaire, had lunch and looked round Salts Mill (I bought a pair of shorts!) and then walked back. It’s probably a bit more than 10 miles door to door because the 5 miles were measured from the canal rather than from home when we ran it I think. It was drizzly on the way there but on the way back it was raining quite heavily for most of the way and we got soaked to our knickers. Still, it was nice to be out.

Walking doesn’t help with my depression/anxiety in the same way running does. Running gives me clarity and headspace that I am very conscious of, walking just helps me not think about anything at all. It’s probably at least as valuable because I suspect it is just letting my brain do its thing to get itself better. I noticed that after a little while surrounded by people I was overwhelmed by noise and busy-ness in my head. I was desperate to get back onto the near deserted canal towpath.

It was a good day for seeing birds along the canal. We saw a kingfisher early on and then a kestrel a bit further on. There were lots of ducks, geese and a few swans on the canal and we also saw some gulls. There were the usual blackbirds and blue tits, a few chaffinches and great tits but we also saw goldfinches and long tail tits. I do like them, they’re like little darts whizzing around and they always sound cheerful

It was good to get home and get into a warm bath and thaw out. It is funny how perception of distance changes – walking to Saltaire used to feel like a really really long way. Today walking there and back didn’t feel like such a big deal really. I was ready to be home with about a mile to go but that was just because I was soaked and getting quite cold. We’ve had a lovely tea of pasta with feta cheese, avocado and chorizo and are now both resting and drinking stupid amounts of water ready for our 23 mile training run tomorrow. I’d rather not think about that too much…

I did and now I don’t

Jess Guth3 Comments

I managed to get out and do my 45 minute run. I did it step by step, getting dressed in running gear, telling myself I could just go as far as the sheep and that I could walk lots if I wanted to… I set off. I said in the blog post early today that my body felt rested and ready to run – hm. I think someone came along and stole my legs and replaced them with lead. I felt so heavy and sluggish but I just kept plodding. I ran the loop I showed you the other day. I had turn round a bit before the usual point at the bridge because there was a sheepdog without a human and I’m scared of dogs. Other than that it was non-eventful. I took a walk break about half way to take my jacket off and then took the next one as well because I just couldn’t get going again. Other than that I ran the entire 45 minutes and ended up doing 3.85 miles with a pace of 11.42 minutes per mile. Then I crawled up the hill. Did I enjoy it? Nope, but I am glad I got it done.

Not long after I got back we had back to back deliveries. The first was for Kath and she disappeared upstairs with it. While she was doing whatever she was doing another parcel came. A lovely hamper  (from Keelham Farm) sent to me by my work colleagues with a note telling me to ‘sit down, have a brew and relax’. They sent flowers yesterday, too – feeling completely overwhelmed. It’s just as well I got the run in before the parcels arrived because Kath appeared with a gift wrapped book – the Illustrated Herdwick Shepherd – so that’s me – I will be on the sofa stuffing my face and reading for the foreseeable future!

 

Do I or Don’t I?

Jess GuthLeave a comment

Yesterday was a rest day on the training plan. No running, no clarity, no headspace… Yesterday was a funny day and in many ways a day of two halves. I felt ok-ish in the morning. Worrying a lot about not being at work and all the stuff that therefore will never get done but I felt relatively calm. Then I went out for lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen for ages and it was good to have a catch up even though neither of us was firing on all cylinders. It was lovely to be out and lovely to see my friend. Then I got home and was exhausted, totally exhausted and drained and tearful and crappy. I retreated to the sofa for the rest of the day – literally.

Today my body feels rested and ready to run – no effects from the long walk left at all. My calf muscle is normal and any little aches I had Sunday are now definitly gone. Kath’s knee is still creaky so if I am going to do the 45 minute run today it will have to be by myself. Hm. I’ve only just had breakfast so I will have to wait a while before going anyway. Here’s what’s going on in my brain:

  1. I need to do a 45 minute run today – the plan says
  2. I want to run today – it will be good for my head
  3. I am already panicked about the marathon, missing a run will make that worse
  4. I should be panicked about the marathon, I can’t do a marathon
  5. I don’t think I can even run 45 minutes
  6. So I best not go because then I’d find out that I can’t run 45 minutes and then the marathon really is out of the question
  7. So if I just stay on the sofa we can all pretend that I might be able to do the marathon
  8. But then I definitly won’t make it round the course in January and then everyone will think ‘I knew she couldn’t do it’
  9. I’ll say ‘I knew I couldn’t do it’
  10. But I want to say ‘I didn’t think I could do it BUT I DID’
  11. So run your 45 minute run then you stupid woman
  12. Yes
  13. BUT
  14. No but – the plan says 45 minutes
  15. It’ll be good for my head
  16. Missing a run will make me worry more about the marathon
  17. I should be worrying about the marathon
  18. ..

This may take a while to resolve. I’ll let you know if I make it out the door.